Friday, February 03, 2006
i feel so sad.
i feel so upset.
i feel so alone.
nobody likes me.
nobody wants me.
give me a small room.
let me be alone.
let me cry my heart out.
let me be alone.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
feeling so lousy..
i guess the stress is finally getting to me..
ya, like finally..
there the exams coming in about a month,
which obviously im not prepared for..
so much back-logged homework to finish..
so much things to catch up on..
looks like ive been dreaming my way through the term..
and then of course there is the financial stuff..
man..
that is killing me..
just the thought about it suxs..
well, ns in 55 days..
need i say more?
i guess that last point is pretty much self-explainitory..
well, the only good news ive gotten so far is about the blood..
hiaz.. and i feel like im spending lesser and lesser time with you..
your school is just so hectic..
and now is all i have..
exams in a month..
gonna start studying in about 2 weeks time..
so ill only be really free for 2 weeks..
after exams, im going into ns..
cherish the time u have with me baby..
cus when i go in..
it would even be difficult for you to hear my voice..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Saturday, December 31, 2005
baby, i know you are upset i cut my hair..
i'm sorry, i wont cut it so short again ok?
hiaz... hoping i can spend more time with you..
but you are just so tired!
i guess i just gotta be contented with what i have..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Sunday, December 18, 2005
i'm finally back to blog after about a month.
lately, ive had no inspiration about anything at all.
and interestingly, i dont remember anything that ive done this past 1 month.
mad huh?
life has just been very simple.
me and my baby.
***
the other night,
before i fell asleep,
thoughts of you came into my head.
we were best friends.
tuition together.
swimming together.
polo together.
remeber the nights i spent over your place.
the hours we spent on PS.
yeah, those were the days.
i guess my mom drilled me too much about the bad effects of porn.
so when you showed me that cd,
i kinda told you what my mom always tells me about porn.
heh. interesting.
but i guess,
that was when our relationship detiorated.
when we didnt meeet up anymore.
when we didnt talk.
there was a distance,
and neither of us bothered to fill it back.
well, that was pretty much about 8 or 9 years ago.
yea, its been a while.
but you were my friend before.
and still am now.
*just happen to reminiscent about the past.
***
to you,
you broke my trust.
and in one way or another, it affected me,
alot more then u think.
i felt lied to.
cheated.
i felt like a fool.
i know this is very backdated,
but i wanted to make sure i didnt type anything i would regret.
basically, i was very proud of you.
proud of who you are.
proud of who you had become.
but after i found out about what you had done,
i just felt all that pride slip away.
dont misunderstand me.
i will still be your best friend.
i will still be there for you.
i will still help you when you need me.
people change, i guess, sometimes, you don't even notice it.
***
baby, i realised something tonight.
i have sacrificed everything i have to be with you, to make you happy.
i don't regret a single thing i have done.
all i ask is for you not to let me down.
cus i have fallen to deep.
and my heart is on the line.
don't break it.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
Friday, November 11, 2005
i just love the way i can sit u down and talk to you.
i love it when i can treat you just for that moment as a close friend and tell you my problems.
tell you what i am not happy about.
even if its about you.
i love how patient you are with me.
how understanding.
i just love the way we work out our problems.
you are like my girlfriend and good friend all rolled into one!
baby..
i am really happy.
especially after everytime we can sit down and work out problems together.
darling, i love you.
muacks.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
i never realised "simple life" meant eating apples and watching tv all day.
sleeping 12+ hours a day.
this is REALLY slacking.
sometimes i really wonder if you are really ok with it.
i know you are happy with me.
i know you love me.
i know you want to spend time with me.
but how long of this "simple life" can u take?
perhaps i am thinking too much.
***
10 reasons why i won't get bored of you.
1.) because i can meet you everyday, but yet can talk to you endlessly when im with you.
2.) because you are so silly, it is entertaining.
3.) because you are able to put up with my nonsense, and play along with me.
4.) because everytime we go out shopping, you never fail to remind me of a little girl.
5.) because you always make me laugh until my stomach hurts at least once a day.
6.) because we are similliar in what we do. what i like, u also like. like that, how to get bored?!?!
7.) because your head is so big, everytime i see you, i wanna laugh.
8.) because you would do anything for me, because you love me.
9.) because i have never been this happy with anyone for the longest time.
10.) because i love you. and i wont get bored of someone i truly love.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
mmm...
im back :)
well.. basically nothing much new in my life has happened.
everythings the same.
im just getting happier, thats all :)
well, lets do a quick update on my week.
monday
was spent with the girlfriend.
nothing much.
slacking around.
went down to exotic tattoo.
tuesday
was spent with the girlfriend.
watched tv/vcd.
went thomson to eat prata.
met kenneth eric and sy at night.
played mj :)
won $15.
haha
wensday
woke up at 6.
went to pick the girlfriend up from school.
she stayed over.
excercise excercise excercise.
haha
thursday
went down to exotic tattoo.
completed my tattoo.
like FINALLY.
mm... the girlfriend paid for it :)
as my bdae present :)
really sweet, made me very happy :)
after that i became a bai ka.
and we went out for dinner with my parents.
Friday
woke up late. as usual.
went thomson to eat with wenn again. heh.
met up with daryl.
chilled at his place.
went down to zouk at 3am.
haha.
got in for free.
danced for 11/2 hrs.
went home.
-K.O-
saturday
woke up around mid-day.
was damn tired.
me and wenn were falling sick.
but i hear the music calling me.
SO...
we went down to liquid.
met up with sy, eric, LJ, ming, yan, veron, janson, bi.
alot of gay dancing. and stripping. mm..
only one word to describe liquid.
FUN.
went to river valley for supper after that.
chilled. talked. had fun. :)
went home, bathed and chatted with wenn till 11am!!!
ROAR!!
-K.O-
Sunday
woke up late.
whats new.
met up with janson and veron.
and bryan too. who we bumped into along the way.
we went to primative,
wenn wanted to touch up her tattoo.
and then it was crazy ktving.
haha
yup, cine k-box.
manz..
me and janson should never get hold off the mike..
hahahaha
MOnday
which would be today.
suppose to have class at 11.
which im prob not going for.
hiaz..
studying is really getting me down man..
and school is so freaking far!!!
ARGHH!!
prob gonna slack ard @ hm..
need to start saving cash man.
getting BROKE.
gonna pick the girlfriend up later when she ends school.
well.
b4 i go,
i just wanna say..
I LOVE MY BABY
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Friday, November 04, 2005
| Three Things | |
| 3 Words To Decribe yourself | |
| 1.: | analytical |
| 2.: | street wise |
| 3.: | introverted |
| 3 Things You want to do | |
| 1.: | tattoos |
| 2.: | go to the beach |
| 3.: | go clubbing |
| 3 People You Love | |
| 1.: | mom |
| 2.: | dad |
| 3.: | joel |
| 3 People You Hate | |
| 1.: | bill clinton |
| 2.: | lee kuan yew |
| 3.: | my neighbour |
| 3 Of your favorite Colors | |
| 1: | black |
| 2.: | brown |
| 3.: | pink |
| 3 oF your best friends | |
| 1.: | eric |
| 2.: | kenneth |
| 3.: | sarah |
| 3 Favorite Holidays | |
| 1.: | korea |
| 2.: | bangkok |
| 3.: | newzealand |
| 3 Things u couldnt Live With Out | |
| 1.: | hand phone |
| 2.: | cigarettes |
| 3.: | air |
| 3 favorite Foods | |
| 1.: | fried chicken |
| 2.: | nasi briyani |
| 3.: | sushi |
| 3 things you wish you were doing | |
| 1.: | watching movie |
| 2.: | going shopping |
| 3.: | getting tattooed |
| 3 things you like about yourself | |
| 1.: | my nose |
| 2.: | my tattoo |
| 3.: | my dimples |
| 3 things you dislike about your self | |
| 1.: | my fat stomach |
| 2.: | my dick |
| 3.: | my butt |
| 3 Things You Would Never do | |
| 1.: | murder |
| 2.: | bungee jump |
| 3.: | take drugs |
| Three influential people in your life | |
| 1.: | dad |
| 2.: | sarah |
| 3.: | mom |
| 3 words to describe you | |
| 1.: | analytical |
| 2.: | friendly |
| 3.: | street-wise |
| Three people who have caused you pain | |
| 1.: | sarah |
| 2.: | wennie |
| 3.: | christine |
| 3 People you wish you never met | |
| 1.: | tom |
| 2.: | dick |
| 3.: | hairy |
| 3 People who brighten up your day? | |
| 1.: | wennie |
| 2.: | wennie |
| 3.: | wennie |
| 3 Names you go by | |
| 1.: | ivan |
| 2.: | van |
| 3.: | xianyi |
| Two truths and a lie | |
| 1.: | im a boy |
| 2.: | im a man |
| 3.: | im a girl |
| Things you want in a relationship: | |
| 1.: | to be loved |
| 2.: | security |
| 3.: | being happy |
| 3 girl names u hate | |
| 1.: | eunice |
| 2.: | cheryl |
| 3.: | serene |
| 3 Girl Names You Love | |
| 1.: | seraphina |
| 2.: | michelle |
| 3.: | samantha |
| 3 Boy Names you Hate | |
| 1.: | Ernest |
| 2.: | Benson |
| 3.: | Ray |
| 3 Boy names You love | |
| 1.: | David |
| 2.: | Joshua |
| 3.: | Ryan |
| 3 Things you Dont wanna do | |
| 1.: | study |
| 2.: | work |
| 3.: | this survey |
| 3 things y wanna do | |
| 1.: | get tattoos |
| 2.: | go on holiday |
| 3.: | PARTY |
| 3 peopel u would die for | |
| 1.: | Dad |
| 2.: | Mom |
| 3.: | Joel |
| 2 things You cant stand | |
| 1.: | unfaithfulness |
| 2.: | lateness |
| Take this survey Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d | |
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
you know what..
i am so damn happy.
seriously.
and thats why i havent been blogging!
cus i only blog when i feel down/sad,
thats when my words are able to flow freely.
i just find that when im happy,
i have so many more things to do than sit in front of the freaking com!
hahahha..
well, im happy cus my baby has been making me happy.
*BIG SCHMILE*
it was what you said, rather then what you did.
"it's ok darling, go put your tattoo.. its ok if we dont club. we can stay at home. i love simple life. i love you."
and that makes me so happy.
because just a month ago, clubbing was your life.
now, i feel like i have replaced clubbing. and now, i am your life. :)
well, also because of the small little things you do,
like buying me breakfast.
patting me to sleep.
putting up with my whinning.
behaving in the club.
and just being nice to me.
doing what you know will make me happy.
it makes me happy to know that when im happy, you are too.
i have always been so caught up with money, and stressed over it.
but you have shown me that it isnt important what we do.
or how much money we have.
or who pays.
so long as we have fun and are happy together :)
my baby..
thank you for everything you have done.
for everything you have sacrificed.
we may only have been together 11/2 months.
but this 11/2 months has been long,
and trying..
but we managed to overcome all our problems.
and now all we are left with are happier times :)
i miss ya baby.. cant wait to see ya later :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
well, you probably wont want to talk to me now.
so ill apologise to you here.
im sorry.
sorry for being such a lousy bf.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
i asked you to go home because you didnt even seem the least keen to come over.
you looked so disintrested and sian.
and its like when your fren was there, everything was fine.
after she left,
suddenly everything turned the other way.
***
so then we had a quarrell about pms.
you smsed me: "I only know that when i'm having pms, u will be the last person i will turn to. I will meet you up when i feel better. yup."
i wanted to reply you telling you about how i went to pick you up dispite the rain, despite my tiredness, my growling tummy, etc, etc, etc..
and then i realised,
there was no point in smsing you back.
no point arguing about who was right or wrong.
because the msg you sent me was clear.
you just feel that i am a lousy bf.
i dont understand you.
and when you feel something like that.
it really dosent matter who is in the right or wrong anymore now does it?
i may be in the right.
but the fact is u feel i am a lousy bf.
that during the few days when you feel the most terrible,
you cant count on me.
and that hit me like a ton of bricks.
crushing everything i had left in me.
i took a slow walk all the way back home from the mrt.
my eyes never leaving the pavement.
i just dunnno what to do.
i dont know what to say.
i am feeling so low now.
so lost, and confused.
we were so happy just yesterday,
what happened?
perhaps you are right..
i am the world's lousiest boyfriend.
i feel depression sinking in.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
advice.
is a very good way to asess how a person thinks.
the advice a person gives reflects how a person would handle the same situation.
well, theroetically.
pratically, it's a diffrent situation.
but then again, theory is all we have.
i'm very happy.
with the advice you gave her.
because from there i see the reflection of your changed attitude.
you have learnt to treasure what is important.
and i am happy,
because then it isn't only me anymore pushing.
a joint-effort.
something we are both working towards.
many many little things you have done.
shows me that you have changed.
and i appreciate the effort you are putting in.
"words mean nothing, only your action will prove to me wether your heart is in it or not."
this is what i told you a few weeks ago.
and today,
i can proudly say that i know,
your heart is in us.
completley.
the thought that perhaps you were playing me with your good acting did come across my mind.
but i shoved it aside.
because, what is important is the feeling.
the feeling you give me.
the love.
the care.
the concern.
i feel it all.
i feel your heart.
all of it.
i know you are still afrriad i am playing with you.
but i won't tell you anymore that i am not playing with you.
i will tell you to trust your heart.
let it guide you.
follow how you feel.
trust the vibes you get from me.
believe in me, my love.
and trust that i am true to you.
trust that i love you.
i may not be the best.
but i love you.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Friday, October 21, 2005
Hi.
i am wennie's sex slave.
-_-
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Thursday, October 20, 2005
i can see it.
see us.
i love having those talks with you.
i always feel better after that.
i always understand you better after that.
i feel good. now.
"everyone can change, it just takes time, and dedication."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
i dont want a girl friend like veron.
i want a girl friend like you.
i will accept you for who you are.
both your good points, and bad as well.
i dont want you to change into something that you are not.
i dont want you being with me, to be a chore.
i really like clubbing.
but i want to go clubbing because it is fun.
not just for the sake of clubbing.
sometimes i dont have money.
or i just dont have the mood.
and you have to try to understand.
i try to compromise with you.
go with you whenever i can.
but sometimes, i just dont have the means financially to go.
but i know you are trying.
i know you are putting your heart in.
i can feel it.
and i am very happy about what you have done.
perhaps, all we need is just a little more understanding and compromise.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Monday, October 17, 2005
happiness dosen't last forever.
nothing does.
take each day,
step by step.
appreciate what you have.
be satisfied.
i am not looking for a fairy-tale ending.
all i'm looking for is a happy ending.
Que que natura~
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
| Your IQ Is 105 |
 Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Average |
| You're an Expert Kisser |
 You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable |
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Sunday, October 16, 2005
so apparently, some people have been complaining i've been missing in action.
well, its just that i dont have much inspiration recently to blog about anything at all.
perhaps, my life has just been good.
and i only like to post about sappy stuff.
haha.
well, blogging about my daily life would be just to mundane.
i'm just a simple guy with a simple life ya know.
haha.
well, also perhaps because i've had a permanent resident at my house the last month!
so ive got to entertain her!
haha.
well, but the moment i do have free time im back here blogging right?
that shows that you guys are still important!! :)
***
well, yesterday, i finally got to meet up with the guys after 2 weeks.
and ken was real nice :)
bought me a t-shirt.
for my birthday, which is this TUESDAY 18 OCTOBER!
haha.
so ya, we just went down to suntec area to chill.
went to moonfish for dinner.
hmm, the pasta was pretty good. some chicken scalipino.
or something like that. yea.
after that we headed over to paulania to have a drink.
OUR 1 LITRE BEER.
haha, if you guys dont know, i will melt at the sight of beer.
im a BEER LOVER!
haha.
yea, after that we went to catch the great raid.
some war epic about WW2 and the Japanese occupation.
yea. was just alright i guess.
so that pretty sums up my meeting with the guys.
was cool thou, alot of talking, chatting.
basically catching up. :)
***
well, my baby did something really nice for me yesterday.
and i was really happy.
i know that i dont have trust.
probably not about you.
but probably i don't trust myself.
that i am good enough for you.
so give me some time.
just a little.
and i will be ready.
but i really do apprecaite what u did.
thanks darling.
muacks ! :)
***
well, today is a lazy sunday.
nothing much to do.
and its raining cats and dogs.
probably pigs and cows too.
damn.
but one good thing is that my baby is on her way down now :)
hehe.
happy i get to see her again :)
***
you may not be the perfect girl.
not the best.
i may be able to find better girls.
slimmer.
prettier.
cleverer.
but you are the one i want to be with.
you are the one i want to be happy with.
you are the one i want to cry with.
you are the one i want to spend my time with.
baby, i'm all about you.
i love you.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
i simply dont have trust.
so how can u expect me to accept you working in that kind of place.
i dont think it is overboard.
nor is it possesive.
i didnt say you can't.
i said, would you not work there.
i cannot live with the worries every single night.
waiting for a call at 1 am in the morning to tell me you are ok.
hoping not to get a call from you telling me you made another mistake.
you tell me its ok,
you tell me you will be fine,
but how can i trust you.
you said that thrice.
i cant.
i just cant.
this is how i feel.
and now you know how i feel.
you make the choice.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Monday, October 10, 2005
me: How do i know when u have finally decided to put your whole heart into the realtionship?
You: when all your flaws becomes strengths to me.
i can see a change.
not really see, but rather, feel a change.
i feel you emersing yourself deeper and deeper in.
and i am happy.
genuinly happy.
i want to trust you again.
i want to let you be alone,
and not worry about you.
i am waiting for that day.
i really hope that kind of thing won't happen again.
i don't want to be knocked over evertime i get back onto my feet.
love me.
don't play with me.
because i love you too.
"you have to learn the patience of love. because love isn't perfect, love is just love."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
when a GIRL is quiet.millions of things are running in her mind.
when a GIRL is not arguing.she is thinking deeply.
when a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions.she is wondering how long you will be around.
when a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds.she is not at all fine.
when a GIRL stares at you.she is wondering why you are lying.
when a GIRL lays on your chest.she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
when a GIRL wants to see you everyday.she wants to be pampered.
when a GIRL says "i love you".she means it.
when a GIRL says "i miss you".no one in this world can miss you more than that
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Sunday, October 02, 2005
please don't disappoint me again...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Friday, September 30, 2005
"i have been controlling myself from playing."
thats what you told me.
controlling?
i would expect that you would do it willingly because you love me.
that it would be natural to be faithful to me,
and not something you need to constantly tell yourself not to do.
perhaps you may be used to playing already.
i dont really know.
all i know is that you are trying. really trying.
and i appreciate everything you have done.
***
im really happy.
happy with you.
you bring a smile to my face.
im happy being together with you.
and i finally see something forming.
i see a future appearing.
i see a vague shadow in the mist.
a goal.
something for us to aim for.
i lub yewww :)
***
you told me that you dont think i treasure you,
i was really puzzled,
becasue up till now,
you have been the no1 priority in my life all the way.
and i was really unhappy you felt that way.
but its ok,
a hump in the road only slows me down temporarily,
everything after that is going to be smooth.
so if you cant feel it,
i will prove it to you.
i will show you that i treausre you.
i will show you that you are the no1 in my life.
***
well congrats to MR J***** and MS V**** on getting attached. :)
im really happy for both of you.
both wen and I are.
at least my phone bill didnt go to waste!
hahha!!
jia you!!
i'm sure you guys are happy babies now,
making out in the bukit panjang...
hahahahah
shalalalala... :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Thursday, September 29, 2005
In the darkness of my room,
your face was set ablaze by the monitor.
your furious typing keeping me out of my slumber.
when the majority of my consciousness returned,
from under the duvet,
i gazed on at you as you were typing.
not thinking about anything.
just looking at you.
and then it dawned on me,
i realised i still don't trust you,
not after what you have done.
and i find it so difficult when you ask me to trust you.
what you promised me,
i know you will not keep.
but i guess,
for a consistent clubber,
just for you to mouth that promise was a great step.
eventually, i will have to learn to trust you again,
because whats is love without trust?
love is magical, but magic, can be an illusion.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Monday, September 26, 2005
ok, im happy.
*big SMILEZ*
so it was planned that by monday i would get a surprise.
but it so happened, i got it TODAY.
and yes, i was SURPRISED.
so i was really rotting at home,
and out of the blue,
my stupid ringtone starts wailing.
my fat hands reach across for my 7200.
Wennie: " Darling, come down NOW. "
me: " WHY?"
*looks out of the window*
*stunned*
*slams shut the phone*
so as if instinctively,
i grab the keys and scramble down the flights of stairs.
i couldn't contain the smile trying to burst its way through.
and yes, childish giggles followed.
so i slotted the key into the keyhole and unlocked the gate.
i tried my best to keep my composure and pretend not to be surprised.
like i was expecting it.
but as soon as i saw her,
i started beaming all over again.
wahahah..
so i got along with the surprise visit,
5 bottles of yakult,
and mac&cheese which she promised a LONG time ago to do for me! :)
"blood is good" - enuff said.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Saturday, September 24, 2005
treasure me.
because in a 1000 years time,
i won't be here anymore.
and there is no one like me.
i am unique.
i am ivan.
***
i don't know what i am doing.
i want to play on the safe side,
so i dont get hurt.
but unfortunately, i am not in control of my emotions.
it has become like wild stallions running free.
going wherever the wind may blow.
sometimes i really am tired.
but i dont know why,
why i keep trying.
i cant spot the diffrence with you and anyone else.
why do i still hang on.
why do i still maintain a firm grasp?
why don't i just let go and move on.
i will probably find someone again.
i really dont know.
but i trust i can change you.
a friend once told me: "character is burnt into a person. the character cannot be changed.but mindset can be changed."
playing im sure is a mindset.
and i am sure that one day,
one fine day,
i will change you.
i am strong.
i can take whatever comes.
i am prepared.
i have full knowledge of what is going on.
i will not fall over.
i will be your pilliar of strength.
supporting you.
taking care of you.
i will be there.
for you.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Friday, September 23, 2005
you are right.
you are not the perfect girl for me.
you are not the ideal girl for me.
you are not good enough for me.
you don't deserve me.
but the reason i still choose to stay by you is because i love you.
you may think you are not worth it.
but you are.
i stay by you because i want to.
i stay by you because i want to take care of you.
i stay by you because you love me too.
yes you could have prevented it, but you didnt.
but that is the past now.
and as i said before.
the past stays in the past.
i will try,
and try,
and try,
till you give me a reason not to anymore.
***
sometimes i wonder,
i have this delusion that i am a nice guy.
that i would do anything in the name of love.
but why is it i always get betrayed.
why is it i always get unappreciated.
why can't someone just treasure what they have?
why can't someone just be faithful to me.
i try my best,
sometimes i look at people.
namely, players.
and i think,
perhaps, it isn't such a bad idea to be a player.
***
There are only a few nice guys left nowadays.
they get together with girls.
and the girls break their hearts.
they get over the hurt.
they heal.
and they try again with a new girl.
the girl breaks his heart again.
he heals. again.
and he tries, again.
and he gets hurt. again.
he then gets tired of it,
and he becomes a player.
and then, all the girls wonder why guys are all such jerks.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Thursday, September 22, 2005
tequila would be good now.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
a good friend of mine once told me..
"let the past remain in the past. keep it buried. sieze the oppurtunities you have in front of you. don't let it slip away, because it will never come back again."
some people have been asking me why i am so silly as to continue on despite the mistakes.
well, above is my answer.
i have something good coming for me.
and i am not going to let it slip away.
love, just like life, is a gamble.
a chance taken.
there is no 100% guarantee of success.
all we can do is try. and try. and try.
again. and again. and again. and again.
till the right person comes along.
ok, so i might get hurt again.
but i will heal.
and a scar will remain.
whatever dosen't kill me just makes me stronger.
i have matured. alot.
and i have realised, good things are not easy to come by.
and i am going to hold on to this one.
what i told you, i told you for your knowledge.
not as a threat.
yes, we may have been hurt before.
yes, we have been betrayed.
yes, we have been through the pits of hell and back.
but it has only made us stronger.
there is nothing to fear.
the only thing there is left in me is the optimism that the future is bright.
i know you are afraid.
i know you are weary.
i know.
believe me, i know.
i am too.
trust me.
give me your trust.
at least, the benefit of the doubt.
for i have done nothing to misplace it.
i can promise you over an over again about a million and one things.
but what is important isn't the promises.
but rather, the feeling.
for the first time in my life,
i am following my heart.
and not my head.
in the past, i made all descisions based on rationallity.
based on logic.
this time, i am going against the odds,
defying everything around me,
standing up against adversity,
following my emotions,
following my heart,
going wherever it may lead me,
all for you.
and you alone.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
to my dearest friend.
you know how much you mean to me.
how precious you are to me.
i cannot be there for you 24 hours a day.
we all have our lives to lead.
the only thing i can promise you,
is that i will always be there for you when you need me.
i will always be the one to pick you up when you fall down.
and i will always be there if you need a shoulder to cry on.
*love*
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
The past no matter how much we deem insignificant,
will always come back to haunt us.
The past is an important part of anyone,
and no matter how much we try to shove it away,
at the back of our mind,
it still fights its way to the surface and emerges.
similliarly, the past has come back to haunt me.
not my past,
her past.
well 'haunt' is a rather exaggerated word.
i would prefer 'bother'.
ok, so yea, her past bothers me.
well not to the extent of being detremental to our relationship.
but rather to the extent of making me dream about him and her.
well, i got the admittance i wanted yesterday.
the embeded clues,
the suttle hints.
the codded enteries.
nope.
they didn't work.
i guess i had to wait for her to be ready with herself, before she could take that step forward to tell me.
i couldn't make peace with myself the night i found out.
it already happened to me twice.
and yea, ok, so no status.
but i mean, cummon, a third time??
no status, dosen't mean no commitment.
now that is what i have learnt.
there are still the sub-conscious rules and guidelines.
perhaps we aren't possesive by nature.
so the 'other' rules don't come in.
but whether one, or a hundred.
they are still rules.
and the rules have to be followed.
not broken.
respect me.
respect my feelings. emotions.
i was really broken.
torn apart again. again. again.
u told me you were sorry.
u told me it was a mistake.
your mistake.
and i accept you back.
for whatever you are.
but it dosent mean because i forgive you,
i forget.
i still think.
my mind wanders. uncontrollably.
and i can't help but have lost a bit of trust in you.
but trust can be earned.
it can be gotten back.
the imaginative scene of the two of you together is still a frequent visitor of my mind.
you declared your love.
openly.
to me.
and i declared mine.
and i honestly thought for a moment that i was really happy.
out of the darkness.
brought out into the light of day.
but i am suddenly flung back into the eternal abyss of darkness.
i hide in a corner, head tucked between my knees.
the phobia of darkness creeping under my skin.
chills running down my spine.
beads of sweat down my face.
i light a cigarette.
and all suddenly seems better.
hell hath no wrath like my scorn.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
i never had a best friend.
and i never bother to keep relations with accquaintances.
my social circle is small.
probably the size of about all my fingers.
but i do have a group of extremly close friends.
who i share everything with.
namely, eric, kenneth, daryl, and sarah.
and these four people are the four most important people in my life.
we have gone through weal and woe.
we have countless experiences together.
and we know each other at the tip of our fingers.
but when one of them chooses to leave you.
and tell you that they can no longer be good friends with you.
it just breaks my heart.
i just stared at the monitor.
lost for words.
sub-conciously, out of the four of them.
one will be the closest.
and that one, has choosen to leave me today.
and we have resumed the status of platonic friends.
perhaps it was my fault.
but what hurts more, is when that person tells you that you cannot be counted on.
i dont know what to say.
to:" you know who you are, you are very important to me. you mean alot to me. we have gone through so much together. we have known each other so long. we even know how the other is feeling over msn. perhaps i am unable to meet up to your expectations as a good friend. perhaps as you said, i dont have the time. but you made me tear again after you said that. because once again, i felt as if i lost something so important to me. i probably cant say anything to improve the situation, all i want you to remember are the memories we've had together."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Monday, September 19, 2005
deep inside me, i feel happy today.
i don't really know why.
but i feel content.
perhaps my life is completing itself.
my life is getting better everyday.
where problems i have dont revolve around emotions but rather monetary.
i was browsing blogs just a little while back.
and i decided to go into christine's blog.
i haven't viewed her blog for a pretty long time.
and i was happy for her.
her life is going on good.
there is a nice guy there for her.
and then i went over to sarah's blog and i was happy to know that she and joel are going on fine.
it just makes me happy to know that two of my ex's are happy living their life.
in a recent post.
i mentioned that hate is the flip side of a coin.
and i realised that, after a breakup.
when you begin to hate your ex for whatever reason.
it is because you still love him/her.
and only when you can get over the hate can u honestly say that you are over that person.
i remember a point in time when i was devastated.
and i felt as if nothing would ever make me feel better.
but i do feel better now.
time really does heal all wounds.
well, someone's status has been changed to ivan status.
and that made me very happy.
someone also sweared that she will not play again.
and that made me very happy too.
it just makes me feel better.
it just makes me want to invest more of myself into 'us'.
life always has unexpected turns.
and i realised,
love hits you when you least expect it.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Sunday, September 18, 2005
my guy must have style.
my guy must be good looking.
my guy must be financially surpportive.
my guy must be able to entertain me.
me: so do i meet those requirements?
well you do have style.
you are acceptable looking.
you are able to entertain me.
but you are not really financially surpportive.
***
ok, right now, my aim is to be financially surpportive.
at least den,
she will be happy :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
i Don't know if any of you noticed, but i changed my blog title.
My lips may promise, but my heart is a whore.
that was Sy's nick, and i found it so very appropriate.
what it means is pretty much self-expalnitory.
throughout my life, i have always tried my best to retain my innocence.
i always tried to play on the safe side, to avoid getting hurt.
but still, i got hurt time and time again.
and this time, i realised i shall not put myself on the line anymore.
i know i am contridicting myself again.
but something i read recently made me make that descision.
if someone isn't serious, then i don't think i should be either.
all of you know that it is easy to get my love.
it is easy to make me care for you.
and the 2 of you out there know that i am quite a nice bf.
so until u can prove to me that you are deserving, then i will shower u with an endless amount of love.
i told you many times before time and time again that i trust you.
but i don't know why i feel that pilliar of trust wayning.
just like you i am afraid of getting hurt all over again.
you may say we aren't attached so we won't get hurt.
but you're grosly mistaken.
my feelings are still put into 'us'.
i will still get hurt.
i am still human.
i have told veron before. it makes no diffrence wether we are attached or not.
the title of bf and gf means nothing to me.
the title of bf and gf dosen't mean you love each other more.
and you told me before that it is hard to find nice guys who don't play anymore.
but you can't really blame those players now can you.
i'm sure they were hurt countless times before and finally they gave up and they played.
everyone is similliar. everyone can only take THAT amount of hurt.
i am trying. very hard. very very hard.
please don't make me give up.
hurt me once. hurt me twice, and there won't be a thrice.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
me: no matter what, i have realised, wether consciously or sub-consciously i always compare girls i'm involved with to sarah.
Daryl: Ya, of course, i do the exact same thing. thats because she was your first love.
me: first love. true. so?
Daryl: so.. it was special. and somehow, whenever we want to compare anything, we always use our first experience.
me: mmm..very true. but why is it so difficult to find nice girls nowadays?
Daryl: *laughs* it's not that it is difficult to find nice girls, it's just that everyone isn't as innocent as before.
me: what has innocence gotta do with being nice or not?
Daryl: well, it's not that the girls aren't nice. they are. but they have been corrupted by society. it isn't like secondary school anymore. girls know what they want, and they go after it. and that is why sometimes, girls are materialisitic and stuff.
me: but what i really don't understand is, if u love someone, don't you stay with him purely on the basis of love and happiness? and not on what he can buy for you?
Daryl: well bro, that is just naive. trust me, you are never ever going to find a girl like sarah again. even if you go back to her, everything will be diffrent from before, for she too has been corrupted by society.
ok, that was my conversation with D a few days back.
and what he said just kept me thinking, and thinking.
in a warped sense, D was right.
innocence does make a diffrence.
innocence isn't lost when a girl picks up smoking/drinking/clubbing.
society.
the sole cause of the lost of innocence.
I still remmeber during secondary school, when i was together with sarah.
we would go out with like $10 bucks.
and $10 bucks to us would be like damn alot!
and we had fun, real fun. just playing, chatting.
no hidden agendas, no ulterior motives.
we were together on the basis that we loved each other.
yes it was special.
and for a long period of time, i kept wondering why we broke up.
some people have asked me before,
why did you break up with sarah? the two of you are good together!
i never knew how to answer them.
raftly, yea i knew. but i could never put my finger on it.
now i know why.
when she entered poly,
or rather,
when WE entered poly, we changed.
i never knew why we changed,
i always wondered if it was just my wild imagination.
or i just had too high expectations.
tonight, i realised it was because we were no longer the innocent children we were in secondary school.
instead we have morphed into manipulative, evil little things.(of course, an exaggeration.)
but yea, you get the gist of it all.
she had become caught up in her studies, determined to strive for better results.
she became competetive.
and i on the other hand, as you all know.. yea..
so we couldn't get along anymore.
as innocent kids,
all that was important was the feeling.
all that was important was the chemistry.
nothing else.
it was really, just sweet. beautiful.
but that was in the past.
and the past will remain in the past. forever.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Saturday, September 17, 2005
i know 264 hours isn't a long time.
and i probably don't know anything at all.
but what i feel is true.
how i feel is sincere.
we live in a time of complexity.
everything is in codes and cryptex.
and we can't understand.
we live in a time where innocence is lost.
and all that is left is evil.
i really don't know how you feel.
i always tell myself,
a chance, just one more chance.
me self confidence is really rock bottom.
and just like you,
i am afraid of getting hurt.again.
but i am taking the risk.
even thou everything around me is telling me not to.
i am putting myself on the line all over again.
giving you the benefit of the doubt.
i know my thoughts may be naive.
but if i never take the risk i will never know.
i know there is no status.
no clearly drawn lines.
everything is in grey.
neither white nor black.
i dare not take anything on face value.
ulterior-motives reign.
i don't know what to do.
the light at the end has been snubbed out.
and i have been tossed further into darkness.
i know all these may just be my wild-illusion.
my random thoughts.
so if it is, then just take this as my incoherrent ranting.
but no doubt, despite the greyness, i feel insecure.
i know you need your space.
your own time.
and that is why i have never pushed you.
never taken you over your comfort zone.
i am grateful of what i have now.
i am happy.
i am happy with you.
and yes you are important to me.
not in the sense of possesivness, or out of control.
but you are important because you mean something to me.
perhaps the feelings may not be mutual.
perhaps it may be my wishful desires.
i honestly can't tell.
it isn't so much the time we spent together.
or
how long we have know each other.
but rather,
how we feel towards each other.
No. i am not saying we should take this further.
like i said. nothing over your comfort zone.
i know you are just as happy as me with what we have.
and honestly i am content.
i just need to know something that you cannot tell me.
i need to know something that only time can tell.
but for now,
i will trust you.
you have the benefit of the doubt.
uncontrollable emotions.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Friday, September 16, 2005
It really is interesting.
It really makes me think.
Formerly lovers. never apart.
Then, seemingly strangers.
Now, bad blood brews.
ain't it interesting?
how hate is just the other side on the coin of love.
i keep wondering to myself,
how do lovers become enemies in a matter of seconds.
does time play tricks on us?
well i have to admit to something.
you were right from the very begining.
we were never right for each other.
and i'm sure you have to admit to something as well,
you're are mother fucking immature.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Thursday, September 15, 2005
tequila, tequila, tequila.
where art thou my tequila.
tequila really is a very intriguing drink.
tequila has the ability of making a person fall in love with the dustbin.
tequila has the ability of making a person hug the toilet bowl.
tequila has the ability to make you knock your head into everything around you.
tequila has the ability to make you tired.
tequila has the ability to make you do stupid things.
tequila has the ability to make you very happy.
1 tequila shot.
+
1 tequila shots.
+
1 tequila shots.
+
1 tequila shots.
___________
4 tequila shots.
hence, 4 tequila shots = a drunk chewy.
hahahahahahha.
damn man.. she was as drunk like a german ass dog.
***
ok, i know i havent been posting lately.
but i have an EXCEPTIONALLY good reason.
exams.
now who dosent know that word.
yea, and today's paper was a total bitch.
it was tough man.
i seriously wonder if i'll be able to pull through.
so please excuse the cobwebs around here.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
chewy is a bitch cus she dun care about me.
chewy is a bitch cus she dun want to entertain me.
chewy is a bitch cus she is so damn lazy.
chewy is a bitch cus she has been at my house the past 6 days.
chewy is a bitch cus she has been sleeping the whole day.
chewy is a bitch cus she always make me cook for her.
chewy is a bitch cus she likes to eat unusual food.
chewy is a bitch cus she likes to kiss me when shes sick.
chewy is a bitch cus she like to leave everyone testimonials except me.
chewy is a bitch cus she misses everyone except me.
chewy is a bitch cus she hates me.
chewy is a bitch cus she says im an ass.
i hate chewy.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
Monday, September 12, 2005
feeling so fucked up.
and so pathetic.
its my fucking responsibility.
and i cant even handle it.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(6) comments
apparently, someone has misinterpreted my post.
well, i dont see the need to explain myself to you.
when in the first place i wasnt even talking about you in this post.
but just for your information,
i still take my stand.
you choose this road. this path.
live with it.
i am no longer your bf.
i tried to get you back.
but you rejected me.
everyone knows i tried my best.
now that i am moving on with my life, and happy with who i am, you try to stop me from moving on.
im sorry.
but i have gotten over you.
i have ALREADY moved on.
like i told you.
make your descision wisely.
once i decide on what to do, i wont turn back.
and on a diffrent note.
if you actually believe i would play with your feelings, then i'm sorry, you don't know me at all.
so leave me alone.
i have a wonderful girl now.
someone who appreciates me for who i am.
someone who cares for me.
someone who makes me happy.
my life is good.
i am content.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Sunday, September 11, 2005
i am uncertain.
walking through a dark alley.
no lights overhead.
just pitch darkness.
i feel my way through.
carefully placing each step.
it's my first time in the darkness.
and my eyes are unacustomed.
i cant see the vagueness of shapes.
but you are there for me in the darkness.
holding my hand.
walking me through.
taking care that i dont trip.
but how hard do i hold on.
i want to grasp on with all my might.
and feel safe in your arms.
but at the same time i cant.
i dont want to scare you.
and cause you to run away.
leaving me, alone in the darkness.
but i am afraid.
afraid of the unknown.
it scares me.
take me through the alley.
that we may be able to see the light of day again.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
My feelings are true.
My feelings are pure.
The past is locked in the past.
Never to emerge again.
Our time together gold.
each second a gem.
treasured like a precious stone.
Happy, you should feel.
you love the dustbin.
I know.
but seriously,
I think i'm a better choice.
im glad it isnt a game.
my confidence restored.
You didn't rate me.
but i know what i have is enough.
ern, a small matter.
a speck in my eye.
it dosen't really matter.
be true to me.
and i will be true to you.
love is in the air.
i think.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Saturday, September 10, 2005
The game is over.
But it has just begun.
A new chapter.
Your touch as light as a feather.
Seduction.
Your forte.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
Friday, September 09, 2005
being a permanent resident at my house is oh-so-good.
and shit rocks.
chewy tribal butterfly.
sha la la la la :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Your Hair was soft.
Your dimple deep.
Your smile charming.
Your legs smooth.
Your tattoos astonishing.
The smell of fresh shampoo.
The curious touch.
The girly giggles.
The pierced belly.
Your tired eyes.
The constant phone calls.
The warm hugs.
Your cold feet.
The unusual food.
The contentment in my heart.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
it was zouk last wenesday. mahjong at night.
double O last thursday. dead drunk.
zouk last friday. mahjong at night.
zouk last saturday. mahjong at night.
mahjong on sunday.
boat quay on monday. mahjong at night.
zouk yesterday. mahjong at night.
zouk today. probably dead dunk.
singlehood isnt that bad after all :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHh...
I just need to scream.
to get everything out.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
I am really so tired already.
Tell me what u want.
take it.
and let me have a good rest.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Monday, September 05, 2005
CONGRAGULATIONS
to my blog on reaching a 1,000 hits. :)
ya i know its really little to some of you..
but my counter was started on 16th aug...
so its young :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
ok, we played from 11 to 530.
a total of 6 and a half hours.
i lost $33.
but i was so happy she was playing with me.
i would gladly pay $33 again just to see you for another 6 and a half hours.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Sunday, September 04, 2005
It amazes me.
Time.
yes it really does.
I constantly wonder how time has the ability to manipulate us.
to change our thoughts.
to change our mindset.
to heal our wounds.
***
In solitude.
i watched as the rain drops smashed themselves one by one into the drenched window.
millions of tiny droplets.
i stretched out a curious finger and the droplet lost its shape almost immediately.
there is something about the rain.
something about a rainy sunday afternoon.
something magical.
somehow, the weather constanly reflects my mood.
i watch silently.
as the trees sway with the strong wind.
i watch but i do not see.
my mind drifts off to a wonderful place.
a place of serenity.
and i feel peace.
***
It has been just but fourteen days.
and time has worked it's magic.
i used to be everything.
but now, i am pretty much nothing.
silently, in the deepest pits of my soul.
lies hope.
dormant.
not dead.
***
A sudden gust of wind goes by without much of a warning.
a chill runs under my skin.
a divine sensation.
The wind continues to blow.
and with each passing gust, the chill intensifies.
i huddle up.
bringing my legs to my chest.
my hands wrapped over.
the wind manages to find its way through the nooks and crannies of my body.
causing a shiver to run through me.
a shadow appears from behind me.
and a pair of arms appear from the darkness behind.
they wrap around me.
saving what warmth i have left.
i was appreciative.
i turned my head back,
i wanted a look at the good samaritan.
the samaritan had extremly familliar features.
very much like mine.
I was looking Straight into my own face.
just like a reflection.
it was all so surreal.
He was me.
and i am him.
***
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
-B O Y F R I E N D.
-S P E C I A L F R I E N D.
-G O O D F R I E N D.
-C L O S E F R I E N D.
-P L A T O N I C F R I E N D.
-A C C Q U A I N T A N C E.
-S T R A N G E R.
self-explanitory.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
and i havent seen her ever since then.
the reason why i have been extremly elated the past few days was because we had planned to meet up and play mj with eric ken and chris tonight.
i finally had a chance to meet up with her.
well, eric couldnt make it because of work.
chris cant make it cus she has no money.
and kenneth feels that playing 3 people mj is very sian.
well, shit happens.
Disappointment is a part of life.
we arent meeting up tonight after all.
Like is said in my previous entries.
just because i decided to get on with my life, dosent mean that i have gotten over you.
yes i do.
i do miss you.
and still love you.
very very much.
When will i see you again...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Love is patient,
Love is kind,
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
It is not proud,
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never ends.
after reading this. i wonder to myself, have i ever been in love?
It is so complex. so hard for me to comprehend. i don't understand the emotion anymore.
i guess to me,
love will always be, Just Love.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Friday, September 02, 2005
ok, this is a chain blog message passed down by iris.
"lets describe 5 of my curious habits and nominate 5 other friends to continue the chain"
-_-
i got alot of curious habbits meh.... HAR!??!
mmm...
1.) I dream of furnitures coming to life. (is that a CURIOUS HABIT?)
2.) I bite my finger nails.
3.) I cut my own hair. every two days.
4.) I brush my teeth once a day.
5.) I masturbate 24 hrs a day.
hahaha... this one ah... pai sei.. cannot show.. lol
but hor, can show you an EXAMPLE..
hahahahhah ... and yes, the size is the same.. wahahhahaha
ok, now for the next 5 people.. mmmm..
they are... *DrumROLL*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sarah.
Jean.
Evelyn.
Yunz.
Meiling.
sha la la la la la la la la la ... weeeeeeeeeeeee~~~*
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Thursday, September 01, 2005
i was just talking to GIRL S over the phone..
and i just realised that guys are fucking jerky assholic ass cracks
who dont appreciate what they have. -period-
yes me included.
she deserves much much much much much much much much much much much much better.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
ok, so yesterday i had a dream.
and it was damn freaking wierd.
ok, i know my drawing
but that thing is suppose to be a book shelf.
and OBVIOUSLY that guy is me.
so freak, yesterday i had a dream about furniture coming to life.
seriously.. WHAT THE HELL.
i mean furniture?!?!
ok, for your info, it wasnt just the book shelf!
but the bloody chair and the television as well..
by the way, on the left is the chair, and on the right is the teevee. (just in case my drawing is THAT bad..)
i feel like a stoopid 2 year old kid having nightmares.
i mean seriously, who dreams about furniture coming to life!!!
i seriously doubt that even two year old kids have this kinda dreams!!!!!!!
but hor...
IT WAS FUCKING SCARY...
i woke up flooded in cold sweat..
and found myself on the floor -_-
i can't really remember all the details..
but all i remember is that i was REALLY trying v hard to 'siam' all the furniture!!!
then i remember the bookshelf caught me.
and i cant remember what it did.
but he flattened me.
he probably sat down on me with his blardie fat arse..
hiaz..
they say dreams are your subconcious thoughts..
does that mean my secret ambition is to bring furnitures to life?
hmmm....
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
i am coughing.
when i swallow, my throat hurts.
when i poke my nostrils, got mucus come out.
when i stand up, my whole body aching.
my eyelids feel very blardie heavy.
my head feels dizzy.
my forehead is hot.
my neck is hot.
my groin hurts.
i think i am falling sick.
i dont feel as happy as yesterday.
why ah?
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
alot of people have been telling me that i am very contradiciting.
one moment i dont want to give up.
the next, i want to move on with my life.
well, now im going to explain to you what i mean :)
when i said im going to move on with my life, what i meant was that i dont want to wallow in my self pity anymore.
i want to lead a normal life.
a happy life.
be who i was before.
the happy crazy ivan. :)
but just because i want to move on with my life, it dosent mean that i dont love her anymore.
nor does it mean that i have gotten over her.
it just means that i have made a concious choice to stay happy.
not to think about all the unhappy things.
and ever since i made that choice.. life has been much better.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
"We realize how important something is to us, only when we lose it."
I only realised how important christine was when we broke up.
I only realised how important sarah was when we broke up.
i dont ever want to learn how important something is to me again by losing it.
today, i went to have supper with my two buddies.
eric and ken.
as we were walking to the shop, ken was asking me, "aye ivan, why u so cheerful today ah?"
and i replied, "just happy lor, happy got wrong meh.. haha "
but after that, i was really puzzled by it.
was i really happy?
i havent been happy for the longest time!
ken sent me home, and deep in my heart, i was still smilling
i felt.. genuinely HAPPY!
i always thought that i didnt have much friends.
i always thought that i was very much a loner.
but tonight, i realised that it isnt the quantity, but rather the quality that counts. isnt it?
i am really happy having those two asses as my good friends.
they have been with me through thick and thin, up and downs
always being there for me
and i really appreciate them :)
after my descision to get on with my life last night
i was able to open my eyes, and notice all the beautiful things around me.
i realised that i am a very lucky *cough* young boy.
i have everything i need all around me.
a caring family.
two very good friends
and two ex girlfriends that i am trying to work up to the same status as well :)
when i got back home from supper.
BN GIRL was online as well, and we were chatting, about some of her problems.
and the end of the conversation.
she mentioned that she really enjoyed talking to me, that im really nice
it's just small little things like this that makes my day EVEN more meaningful!
today has really been a good day.
i am really very very happy :)
since i opened my eyes, and got back onto my feet, i am able to see things around me, things i never took notice of.
things i now really appreciate. things that may be small, but mean so much to me.
i realised that there is a whole bunch of people out there who are concerned about me
and i'm not going to find out how important they are to me by letting them go.
i will not make the same mistake thrice.
twice is bad enough..
i learn to treasure everything i have now.
i shall learn to be content.
to be satisfied with what i have.
i am a happy baby :)
sha la la :)
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Have you ever wondered..
How life can change in an instant..
Where getting second chances..
and getting closure is a rarity..
Destiny..
She always finds her way..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Once upon a time.
there lived a princess.
She was locked in a tower.
try she did, she couldn't get out.
Her evil step mother.
constantly getting in her way.
One fine day, a young prince on his white steed rode past the tower.
The princess cried out to him for help.
The young prince saw the princess and immediately fell in love with her.
It was love at first sight.
His heart pulpitated at an immense speed.
He had difficulty breathing.
His palms began to pespire as he scaled up the high tower wall.
He finally reached the top.
He gazed intensly into the princess's eyes.
They had a moment.
and he siezed it.
They shared a wonderful, fulfiling, passionate kiss.
The prince was in love.
The princess was having the time of her life.
The prince spent the afternoon with the princess.
and by night fall, he tried to persuade the princess to return to his majestic castle with him.
However the princess declined, she was afraid of her evil step mother who locked her in the tower.
The prince returned without fail every day. to spend time with the princess.
to keep her from getting lonely.
to keep her from being unhappy.
all he wanted was to see her smile.
With every passing day, the prince fell more and more in love.
he wanted to spend eternity with her.
she was just so special.
The prince brought expensive gifts.
perfumes. gourmet food. jewellery. gold. silver.
just so the princess would smile.
nothing else seemed important to him anymore.
the only thing important was the smile on his princess's face.
He thought to himself:
"this is going to end like all fairytales do." "They rode on into the sunset, and lived Happily ever after."
One fine day, he plucked up enough courage and decided to propose to his princess.
He chose the most brilliant diamond ring. and the most beautiful bouquet of roses.
He mounted his steed, and galloped off towards the tower.
when he reached the base, he cried out to the princess.
butterflies flying in his stomach.
anixety flowing through his veins.
However there was no response from above.
There was no sign of anyone.
The prince began to worry.
Inside his head, the most terrible thoughts began to churn.
afriad that something dreadful might have happened to his beloved princess, he looked around for a vine.
nearby, hanging from a branch, on a mighty oak tree, the prince found what he was looking for.
He flung the vine up, and managed to hook it onto the window seal.
He scaled up the wall as he usually did.
beads of perspiration dripping down his forehead.
not due to the heat, nor the physical workout.
he was used to this daily routine.
It was cold sweat, due to his worrying of what might have happened to his princess.
finally he managed his way to the top.
but just as he put his first leg through, the vine lost it's grip and plummeted to the ground bellow.
he wasnt very bothered about the vine.
he scanned the small chamber.
no sign of his princess.
he ran towards the cupboard that was staring at him.
he swung the cupboard door open.
empty.
the princess had left.
The prince fell into a nearby chair, devastated.
his dreams shattered.
but he had faith in the princess.
he waited.
waited in the tower.
praying, hoping, that one fine day the princess will return.
He thought about her when he was awake.
He dreamt about her when he was sleeping.
one glorious morning, as the sun was shinning brightly, he fell back into his usual chair. and cried his heart out.
he cried.
and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.
for days, weeks and months he waited.
till one fine day, he got up from the bed.
and he realised, the princess was never coming back.
his hopes and dreams shattered.
yes, reality is painful.
but he took in his stride.
he walked over to the window.
he remembered that the vine had lost it's grip and fallen down.
he climbed out onto the window ledge.
he turned his head to take a final look at the chamber.
to him, it wasnt JUST a chamber.
it was a place that stored all his beautiful memories.
memories he will always treasure, of the girl he will always love.
he shed one last drop of tear.
he then took the very painful leap out of the window and fell to the ground.
the pain was excruciating.
but he took control of his emotions.
he cut loose his pain.
he gathered himself, and mounted his ever faithful steed.
he then rode back to the castle.
alone.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
i just feel like we are drifting further and further apart.
i cant even see you anymore.
formerly lovers, now seemingly strangers.
perhaps forever was too much to ask for.
i had my hopes, my dreams.
but the reality is drawing nearer.
drawing so near.
but still, i refuse to see it.
i close my eyes to what is in front of me.
i dream of what i want to see.
what i want the future to hold.
but something awoke me.
something opened my eyes.
the sound of the hung line.
ever too often.
i dont know you anymore.
i dont know who you are.
i gave you my time. my love. my life. my heart.
i know you are busy and all.
but that is no excuse.
they say, if you don't have time for the person now, in the future, he wont have time for you either.
and i say its true.
i had always dreamed of getting back together with you.
being a good friend wasnt a bad idea in itself.
but now that my eyes are open.
reality is staring me straight in the eyes.
burning its way into my cornea.
i feel so stupid.
so naive.
i have realised my mistake.
now i fully understand the complexity of the whole situation.
i'm tired.
and i will not succumb to the pain again.
i am getting on with my life.
standing up.
perhaps it was your ploy to behave the way you are.
to get rid of me. get rid of my feelings.
i'm tearing my heart open just on the hope that i could be with you.
i sold myself short.
not anymore.
there are good things in life. better things.
the scars remind me that the past is real.
i know i tried.
i tried my best.
it is ok if you dont appreciate it.
emotions cant be controled.
love gone is gone forever.
i am satisfied just by knowing i did everything i possibly could.
you seem happier without me.
once the page is turned, we should be content in the fact that whatever we had was beautiful.
all i have left are the memories.
and the scars.
i am getting on with my life.
moving on.
never looking back.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Monday, August 29, 2005
"It is important to let certain things go. to release them. to cut lose. people need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards. sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.don't expect recgonition for your efforts of your loveto be understood. complete the circle. not out of pride, inability or arrogance. but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. stop being who you were and become who you are."
it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Chris and me have no more chance whatsoever.
the moment i made the descision to remain as friends in bangkok, the cards were dealt.
i have really given my best. given my all.
i don't know what else i can do.
i am so tired.
mentally tired. thinking and thinking. trying to get her back. trying to be nice.
it is draining me of my energy.
sapping me dry of my life source.
"i den remembered how much i used to loved him.so deeply.so madly."
this is an extract from her blog.
past-tense noted.
and i just feel useless, and drained, and pathetic at the end of it all.
i feel like i cant do anything.
and my self confidence is like shattered. to oblivion.
perhaps i am still wallowing in my cess-pool of self pity.
i dont know. and honestly, i dont really care.
i am so tired of everything.
at the begining. the only wrong i commited was i didnt love you as much as you loved me when we were first together.
so when i couldn't respond to you, the way you wanted me to.
you killed your own feelings for me. you killed your emotions.
so that you could expect less from me.
but with time, my feelings for you grew. while your feelings for me gradually depleted.
i know i tried.
i gave my best.
and my best is all i can give.
have you every heard a single hand clap?
of course not.
because a single hand cannot clap. it takes two hands.
just like even if i try very fucking hard for fucking forever, its not going to work.
why?
because firstly you don't love me anymore.
and secondly, you don't want to be together with me anymore EVEN if you still had feelings.
my legs are giving way under me
i can stand no longer.
i typed this post in the afternoon.
and i hesitated posting it.
after alot of thought.
i realised.
NO. i will not give up
i love you.
and i will try.
and try and try and try and try.
i will make a single hand clap.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments