Friday, February 03, 2006
i feel so sad.
i feel so upset.
i feel so alone.
nobody likes me.
nobody wants me.
give me a small room.
let me be alone.
let me cry my heart out.
let me be alone.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
feeling so lousy..
i guess the stress is finally getting to me..
ya, like finally..
there the exams coming in about a month,
which obviously im not prepared for..
so much back-logged homework to finish..
so much things to catch up on..
looks like ive been dreaming my way through the term..
and then of course there is the financial stuff..
man..
that is killing me..
just the thought about it suxs..
well, ns in 55 days..
need i say more?
i guess that last point is pretty much self-explainitory..
well, the only good news ive gotten so far is about the blood..
hiaz.. and i feel like im spending lesser and lesser time with you..
your school is just so hectic..
and now is all i have..
exams in a month..
gonna start studying in about 2 weeks time..
so ill only be really free for 2 weeks..
after exams, im going into ns..
cherish the time u have with me baby..
cus when i go in..
it would even be difficult for you to hear my voice..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Saturday, December 31, 2005
baby, i know you are upset i cut my hair..
i'm sorry, i wont cut it so short again ok?
hiaz... hoping i can spend more time with you..
but you are just so tired!
i guess i just gotta be contented with what i have..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Sunday, December 18, 2005
i'm finally back to blog after about a month.
lately, ive had no inspiration about anything at all.
and interestingly, i dont remember anything that ive done this past 1 month.
mad huh?
life has just been very simple.
me and my baby.
***
the other night,
before i fell asleep,
thoughts of you came into my head.
we were best friends.
tuition together.
swimming together.
polo together.
remeber the nights i spent over your place.
the hours we spent on PS.
yeah, those were the days.
i guess my mom drilled me too much about the bad effects of porn.
so when you showed me that cd,
i kinda told you what my mom always tells me about porn.
heh. interesting.
but i guess,
that was when our relationship detiorated.
when we didnt meeet up anymore.
when we didnt talk.
there was a distance,
and neither of us bothered to fill it back.
well, that was pretty much about 8 or 9 years ago.
yea, its been a while.
but you were my friend before.
and still am now.
*just happen to reminiscent about the past.
***
to you,
you broke my trust.
and in one way or another, it affected me,
alot more then u think.
i felt lied to.
cheated.
i felt like a fool.
i know this is very backdated,
but i wanted to make sure i didnt type anything i would regret.
basically, i was very proud of you.
proud of who you are.
proud of who you had become.
but after i found out about what you had done,
i just felt all that pride slip away.
dont misunderstand me.
i will still be your best friend.
i will still be there for you.
i will still help you when you need me.
people change, i guess, sometimes, you don't even notice it.
***
baby, i realised something tonight.
i have sacrificed everything i have to be with you, to make you happy.
i don't regret a single thing i have done.
all i ask is for you not to let me down.
cus i have fallen to deep.
and my heart is on the line.
don't break it.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
Friday, November 11, 2005
i just love the way i can sit u down and talk to you.
i love it when i can treat you just for that moment as a close friend and tell you my problems.
tell you what i am not happy about.
even if its about you.
i love how patient you are with me.
how understanding.
i just love the way we work out our problems.
you are like my girlfriend and good friend all rolled into one!
baby..
i am really happy.
especially after everytime we can sit down and work out problems together.
darling, i love you.
muacks.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
i never realised "simple life" meant eating apples and watching tv all day.
sleeping 12+ hours a day.
this is REALLY slacking.
sometimes i really wonder if you are really ok with it.
i know you are happy with me.
i know you love me.
i know you want to spend time with me.
but how long of this "simple life" can u take?
perhaps i am thinking too much.
***
10 reasons why i won't get bored of you.
1.) because i can meet you everyday, but yet can talk to you endlessly when im with you.
2.) because you are so silly, it is entertaining.
3.) because you are able to put up with my nonsense, and play along with me.
4.) because everytime we go out shopping, you never fail to remind me of a little girl.
5.) because you always make me laugh until my stomach hurts at least once a day.
6.) because we are similliar in what we do. what i like, u also like. like that, how to get bored?!?!
7.) because your head is so big, everytime i see you, i wanna laugh.
8.) because you would do anything for me, because you love me.
9.) because i have never been this happy with anyone for the longest time.
10.) because i love you. and i wont get bored of someone i truly love.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
mmm...
im back :)
well.. basically nothing much new in my life has happened.
everythings the same.
im just getting happier, thats all :)
well, lets do a quick update on my week.
monday
was spent with the girlfriend.
nothing much.
slacking around.
went down to exotic tattoo.
tuesday
was spent with the girlfriend.
watched tv/vcd.
went thomson to eat prata.
met kenneth eric and sy at night.
played mj :)
won $15.
haha
wensday
woke up at 6.
went to pick the girlfriend up from school.
she stayed over.
excercise excercise excercise.
haha
thursday
went down to exotic tattoo.
completed my tattoo.
like FINALLY.
mm... the girlfriend paid for it :)
as my bdae present :)
really sweet, made me very happy :)
after that i became a bai ka.
and we went out for dinner with my parents.
Friday
woke up late. as usual.
went thomson to eat with wenn again. heh.
met up with daryl.
chilled at his place.
went down to zouk at 3am.
haha.
got in for free.
danced for 11/2 hrs.
went home.
-K.O-
saturday
woke up around mid-day.
was damn tired.
me and wenn were falling sick.
but i hear the music calling me.
SO...
we went down to liquid.
met up with sy, eric, LJ, ming, yan, veron, janson, bi.
alot of gay dancing. and stripping. mm..
only one word to describe liquid.
FUN.
went to river valley for supper after that.
chilled. talked. had fun. :)
went home, bathed and chatted with wenn till 11am!!!
ROAR!!
-K.O-
Sunday
woke up late.
whats new.
met up with janson and veron.
and bryan too. who we bumped into along the way.
we went to primative,
wenn wanted to touch up her tattoo.
and then it was crazy ktving.
haha
yup, cine k-box.
manz..
me and janson should never get hold off the mike..
hahahaha
MOnday
which would be today.
suppose to have class at 11.
which im prob not going for.
hiaz..
studying is really getting me down man..
and school is so freaking far!!!
ARGHH!!
prob gonna slack ard @ hm..
need to start saving cash man.
getting BROKE.
gonna pick the girlfriend up later when she ends school.
well.
b4 i go,
i just wanna say..
I LOVE MY BABY
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Friday, November 04, 2005
| Three Things | |
| 3 Words To Decribe yourself | |
| 1.: | analytical |
| 2.: | street wise |
| 3.: | introverted |
| 3 Things You want to do | |
| 1.: | tattoos |
| 2.: | go to the beach |
| 3.: | go clubbing |
| 3 People You Love | |
| 1.: | mom |
| 2.: | dad |
| 3.: | joel |
| 3 People You Hate | |
| 1.: | bill clinton |
| 2.: | lee kuan yew |
| 3.: | my neighbour |
| 3 Of your favorite Colors | |
| 1: | black |
| 2.: | brown |
| 3.: | pink |
| 3 oF your best friends | |
| 1.: | eric |
| 2.: | kenneth |
| 3.: | sarah |
| 3 Favorite Holidays | |
| 1.: | korea |
| 2.: | bangkok |
| 3.: | newzealand |
| 3 Things u couldnt Live With Out | |
| 1.: | hand phone |
| 2.: | cigarettes |
| 3.: | air |
| 3 favorite Foods | |
| 1.: | fried chicken |
| 2.: | nasi briyani |
| 3.: | sushi |
| 3 things you wish you were doing | |
| 1.: | watching movie |
| 2.: | going shopping |
| 3.: | getting tattooed |
| 3 things you like about yourself | |
| 1.: | my nose |
| 2.: | my tattoo |
| 3.: | my dimples |
| 3 things you dislike about your self | |
| 1.: | my fat stomach |
| 2.: | my dick |
| 3.: | my butt |
| 3 Things You Would Never do | |
| 1.: | murder |
| 2.: | bungee jump |
| 3.: | take drugs |
| Three influential people in your life | |
| 1.: | dad |
| 2.: | sarah |
| 3.: | mom |
| 3 words to describe you | |
| 1.: | analytical |
| 2.: | friendly |
| 3.: | street-wise |
| Three people who have caused you pain | |
| 1.: | sarah |
| 2.: | wennie |
| 3.: | christine |
| 3 People you wish you never met | |
| 1.: | tom |
| 2.: | dick |
| 3.: | hairy |
| 3 People who brighten up your day? | |
| 1.: | wennie |
| 2.: | wennie |
| 3.: | wennie |
| 3 Names you go by | |
| 1.: | ivan |
| 2.: | van |
| 3.: | xianyi |
| Two truths and a lie | |
| 1.: | im a boy |
| 2.: | im a man |
| 3.: | im a girl |
| Things you want in a relationship: | |
| 1.: | to be loved |
| 2.: | security |
| 3.: | being happy |
| 3 girl names u hate | |
| 1.: | eunice |
| 2.: | cheryl |
| 3.: | serene |
| 3 Girl Names You Love | |
| 1.: | seraphina |
| 2.: | michelle |
| 3.: | samantha |
| 3 Boy Names you Hate | |
| 1.: | Ernest |
| 2.: | Benson |
| 3.: | Ray |
| 3 Boy names You love | |
| 1.: | David |
| 2.: | Joshua |
| 3.: | Ryan |
| 3 Things you Dont wanna do | |
| 1.: | study |
| 2.: | work |
| 3.: | this survey |
| 3 things y wanna do | |
| 1.: | get tattoos |
| 2.: | go on holiday |
| 3.: | PARTY |
| 3 peopel u would die for | |
| 1.: | Dad |
| 2.: | Mom |
| 3.: | Joel |
| 2 things You cant stand | |
| 1.: | unfaithfulness |
| 2.: | lateness |
| Take this survey Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d | |
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
I LOVE MY BABY
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
you know what..
i am so damn happy.
seriously.
and thats why i havent been blogging!
cus i only blog when i feel down/sad,
thats when my words are able to flow freely.
i just find that when im happy,
i have so many more things to do than sit in front of the freaking com!
hahahha..
well, im happy cus my baby has been making me happy.
*BIG SCHMILE*
it was what you said, rather then what you did.
"it's ok darling, go put your tattoo.. its ok if we dont club. we can stay at home. i love simple life. i love you."
and that makes me so happy.
because just a month ago, clubbing was your life.
now, i feel like i have replaced clubbing. and now, i am your life. :)
well, also because of the small little things you do,
like buying me breakfast.
patting me to sleep.
putting up with my whinning.
behaving in the club.
and just being nice to me.
doing what you know will make me happy.
it makes me happy to know that when im happy, you are too.
i have always been so caught up with money, and stressed over it.
but you have shown me that it isnt important what we do.
or how much money we have.
or who pays.
so long as we have fun and are happy together :)
my baby..
thank you for everything you have done.
for everything you have sacrificed.
we may only have been together 11/2 months.
but this 11/2 months has been long,
and trying..
but we managed to overcome all our problems.
and now all we are left with are happier times :)
i miss ya baby.. cant wait to see ya later :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
well, you probably wont want to talk to me now.
so ill apologise to you here.
im sorry.
sorry for being such a lousy bf.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
i asked you to go home because you didnt even seem the least keen to come over.
you looked so disintrested and sian.
and its like when your fren was there, everything was fine.
after she left,
suddenly everything turned the other way.
***
so then we had a quarrell about pms.
you smsed me: "I only know that when i'm having pms, u will be the last person i will turn to. I will meet you up when i feel better. yup."
i wanted to reply you telling you about how i went to pick you up dispite the rain, despite my tiredness, my growling tummy, etc, etc, etc..
and then i realised,
there was no point in smsing you back.
no point arguing about who was right or wrong.
because the msg you sent me was clear.
you just feel that i am a lousy bf.
i dont understand you.
and when you feel something like that.
it really dosent matter who is in the right or wrong anymore now does it?
i may be in the right.
but the fact is u feel i am a lousy bf.
that during the few days when you feel the most terrible,
you cant count on me.
and that hit me like a ton of bricks.
crushing everything i had left in me.
i took a slow walk all the way back home from the mrt.
my eyes never leaving the pavement.
i just dunnno what to do.
i dont know what to say.
i am feeling so low now.
so lost, and confused.
we were so happy just yesterday,
what happened?
perhaps you are right..
i am the world's lousiest boyfriend.
i feel depression sinking in.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
advice.
is a very good way to asess how a person thinks.
the advice a person gives reflects how a person would handle the same situation.
well, theroetically.
pratically, it's a diffrent situation.
but then again, theory is all we have.
i'm very happy.
with the advice you gave her.
because from there i see the reflection of your changed attitude.
you have learnt to treasure what is important.
and i am happy,
because then it isn't only me anymore pushing.
a joint-effort.
something we are both working towards.
many many little things you have done.
shows me that you have changed.
and i appreciate the effort you are putting in.
"words mean nothing, only your action will prove to me wether your heart is in it or not."
this is what i told you a few weeks ago.
and today,
i can proudly say that i know,
your heart is in us.
completley.
the thought that perhaps you were playing me with your good acting did come across my mind.
but i shoved it aside.
because, what is important is the feeling.
the feeling you give me.
the love.
the care.
the concern.
i feel it all.
i feel your heart.
all of it.
i know you are still afrriad i am playing with you.
but i won't tell you anymore that i am not playing with you.
i will tell you to trust your heart.
let it guide you.
follow how you feel.
trust the vibes you get from me.
believe in me, my love.
and trust that i am true to you.
trust that i love you.
i may not be the best.
but i love you.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Friday, October 21, 2005
Hi.
i am wennie's sex slave.
-_-
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Thursday, October 20, 2005
i can see it.
see us.
i love having those talks with you.
i always feel better after that.
i always understand you better after that.
i feel good. now.
"everyone can change, it just takes time, and dedication."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
i dont want a girl friend like veron.
i want a girl friend like you.
i will accept you for who you are.
both your good points, and bad as well.
i dont want you to change into something that you are not.
i dont want you being with me, to be a chore.
i really like clubbing.
but i want to go clubbing because it is fun.
not just for the sake of clubbing.
sometimes i dont have money.
or i just dont have the mood.
and you have to try to understand.
i try to compromise with you.
go with you whenever i can.
but sometimes, i just dont have the means financially to go.
but i know you are trying.
i know you are putting your heart in.
i can feel it.
and i am very happy about what you have done.
perhaps, all we need is just a little more understanding and compromise.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Monday, October 17, 2005
happiness dosen't last forever.
nothing does.
take each day,
step by step.
appreciate what you have.
be satisfied.
i am not looking for a fairy-tale ending.
all i'm looking for is a happy ending.
Que que natura~
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
| Your IQ Is 105 |
 Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Average |
| You're an Expert Kisser |
 You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable |
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Sunday, October 16, 2005
so apparently, some people have been complaining i've been missing in action.
well, its just that i dont have much inspiration recently to blog about anything at all.
perhaps, my life has just been good.
and i only like to post about sappy stuff.
haha.
well, blogging about my daily life would be just to mundane.
i'm just a simple guy with a simple life ya know.
haha.
well, also perhaps because i've had a permanent resident at my house the last month!
so ive got to entertain her!
haha.
well, but the moment i do have free time im back here blogging right?
that shows that you guys are still important!! :)
***
well, yesterday, i finally got to meet up with the guys after 2 weeks.
and ken was real nice :)
bought me a t-shirt.
for my birthday, which is this TUESDAY 18 OCTOBER!
haha.
so ya, we just went down to suntec area to chill.
went to moonfish for dinner.
hmm, the pasta was pretty good. some chicken scalipino.
or something like that. yea.
after that we headed over to paulania to have a drink.
OUR 1 LITRE BEER.
haha, if you guys dont know, i will melt at the sight of beer.
im a BEER LOVER!
haha.
yea, after that we went to catch the great raid.
some war epic about WW2 and the Japanese occupation.
yea. was just alright i guess.
so that pretty sums up my meeting with the guys.
was cool thou, alot of talking, chatting.
basically catching up. :)
***
well, my baby did something really nice for me yesterday.
and i was really happy.
i know that i dont have trust.
probably not about you.
but probably i don't trust myself.
that i am good enough for you.
so give me some time.
just a little.
and i will be ready.
but i really do apprecaite what u did.
thanks darling.
muacks ! :)
***
well, today is a lazy sunday.
nothing much to do.
and its raining cats and dogs.
probably pigs and cows too.
damn.
but one good thing is that my baby is on her way down now :)
hehe.
happy i get to see her again :)
***
you may not be the perfect girl.
not the best.
i may be able to find better girls.
slimmer.
prettier.
cleverer.
but you are the one i want to be with.
you are the one i want to be happy with.
you are the one i want to cry with.
you are the one i want to spend my time with.
baby, i'm all about you.
i love you.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
i simply dont have trust.
so how can u expect me to accept you working in that kind of place.
i dont think it is overboard.
nor is it possesive.
i didnt say you can't.
i said, would you not work there.
i cannot live with the worries every single night.
waiting for a call at 1 am in the morning to tell me you are ok.
hoping not to get a call from you telling me you made another mistake.
you tell me its ok,
you tell me you will be fine,
but how can i trust you.
you said that thrice.
i cant.
i just cant.
this is how i feel.
and now you know how i feel.
you make the choice.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Monday, October 10, 2005
me: How do i know when u have finally decided to put your whole heart into the realtionship?
You: when all your flaws becomes strengths to me.
i can see a change.
not really see, but rather, feel a change.
i feel you emersing yourself deeper and deeper in.
and i am happy.
genuinly happy.
i want to trust you again.
i want to let you be alone,
and not worry about you.
i am waiting for that day.
i really hope that kind of thing won't happen again.
i don't want to be knocked over evertime i get back onto my feet.
love me.
don't play with me.
because i love you too.
"you have to learn the patience of love. because love isn't perfect, love is just love."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
when a GIRL is quiet.millions of things are running in her mind.
when a GIRL is not arguing.she is thinking deeply.
when a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions.she is wondering how long you will be around.
when a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds.she is not at all fine.
when a GIRL stares at you.she is wondering why you are lying.
when a GIRL lays on your chest.she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
when a GIRL wants to see you everyday.she wants to be pampered.
when a GIRL says "i love you".she means it.
when a GIRL says "i miss you".no one in this world can miss you more than that
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Sunday, October 02, 2005
please don't disappoint me again...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Friday, September 30, 2005
"i have been controlling myself from playing."
thats what you told me.
controlling?
i would expect that you would do it willingly because you love me.
that it would be natural to be faithful to me,
and not something you need to constantly tell yourself not to do.
perhaps you may be used to playing already.
i dont really know.
all i know is that you are trying. really trying.
and i appreciate everything you have done.
***
im really happy.
happy with you.
you bring a smile to my face.
im happy being together with you.
and i finally see something forming.
i see a future appearing.
i see a vague shadow in the mist.
a goal.
something for us to aim for.
i lub yewww :)
***
you told me that you dont think i treasure you,
i was really puzzled,
becasue up till now,
you have been the no1 priority in my life all the way.
and i was really unhappy you felt that way.
but its ok,
a hump in the road only slows me down temporarily,
everything after that is going to be smooth.
so if you cant feel it,
i will prove it to you.
i will show you that i treausre you.
i will show you that you are the no1 in my life.
***
well congrats to MR J***** and MS V**** on getting attached. :)
im really happy for both of you.
both wen and I are.
at least my phone bill didnt go to waste!
hahha!!
jia you!!
i'm sure you guys are happy babies now,
making out in the bukit panjang...
hahahahah
shalalalala... :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Thursday, September 29, 2005
In the darkness of my room,
your face was set ablaze by the monitor.
your furious typing keeping me out of my slumber.
when the majority of my consciousness returned,
from under the duvet,
i gazed on at you as you were typing.
not thinking about anything.
just looking at you.
and then it dawned on me,
i realised i still don't trust you,
not after what you have done.
and i find it so difficult when you ask me to trust you.
what you promised me,
i know you will not keep.
but i guess,
for a consistent clubber,
just for you to mouth that promise was a great step.
eventually, i will have to learn to trust you again,
because whats is love without trust?
love is magical, but magic, can be an illusion.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Monday, September 26, 2005
ok, im happy.
*big SMILEZ*
so it was planned that by monday i would get a surprise.
but it so happened, i got it TODAY.
and yes, i was SURPRISED.
so i was really rotting at home,
and out of the blue,
my stupid ringtone starts wailing.
my fat hands reach across for my 7200.
Wennie: " Darling, come down NOW. "
me: " WHY?"
*looks out of the window*
*stunned*
*slams shut the phone*
so as if instinctively,
i grab the keys and scramble down the flights of stairs.
i couldn't contain the smile trying to burst its way through.
and yes, childish giggles followed.
so i slotted the key into the keyhole and unlocked the gate.
i tried my best to keep my composure and pretend not to be surprised.
like i was expecting it.
but as soon as i saw her,
i started beaming all over again.
wahahah..
so i got along with the surprise visit,
5 bottles of yakult,
and mac&cheese which she promised a LONG time ago to do for me! :)
"blood is good" - enuff said.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Saturday, September 24, 2005
treasure me.
because in a 1000 years time,
i won't be here anymore.
and there is no one like me.
i am unique.
i am ivan.
***
i don't know what i am doing.
i want to play on the safe side,
so i dont get hurt.
but unfortunately, i am not in control of my emotions.
it has become like wild stallions running free.
going wherever the wind may blow.
sometimes i really am tired.
but i dont know why,
why i keep trying.
i cant spot the diffrence with you and anyone else.
why do i still hang on.
why do i still maintain a firm grasp?
why don't i just let go and move on.
i will probably find someone again.
i really dont know.
but i trust i can change you.
a friend once told me: "character is burnt into a person. the character cannot be changed.but mindset can be changed."
playing im sure is a mindset.
and i am sure that one day,
one fine day,
i will change you.
i am strong.
i can take whatever comes.
i am prepared.
i have full knowledge of what is going on.
i will not fall over.
i will be your pilliar of strength.
supporting you.
taking care of you.
i will be there.
for you.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Friday, September 23, 2005
you are right.
you are not the perfect girl for me.
you are not the ideal girl for me.
you are not good enough for me.
you don't deserve me.
but the reason i still choose to stay by you is because i love you.
you may think you are not worth it.
but you are.
i stay by you because i want to.
i stay by you because i want to take care of you.
i stay by you because you love me too.
yes you could have prevented it, but you didnt.
but that is the past now.
and as i said before.
the past stays in the past.
i will try,
and try,
and try,
till you give me a reason not to anymore.
***
sometimes i wonder,
i have this delusion that i am a nice guy.
that i would do anything in the name of love.
but why is it i always get betrayed.
why is it i always get unappreciated.
why can't someone just treasure what they have?
why can't someone just be faithful to me.
i try my best,
sometimes i look at people.
namely, players.
and i think,
perhaps, it isn't such a bad idea to be a player.
***
There are only a few nice guys left nowadays.
they get together with girls.
and the girls break their hearts.
they get over the hurt.
they heal.
and they try again with a new girl.
the girl breaks his heart again.
he heals. again.
and he tries, again.
and he gets hurt. again.
he then gets tired of it,
and he becomes a player.
and then, all the girls wonder why guys are all such jerks.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Thursday, September 22, 2005
tequila would be good now.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
a good friend of mine once told me..
"let the past remain in the past. keep it buried. sieze the oppurtunities you have in front of you. don't let it slip away, because it will never come back again."
some people have been asking me why i am so silly as to continue on despite the mistakes.
well, above is my answer.
i have something good coming for me.
and i am not going to let it slip away.
love, just like life, is a gamble.
a chance taken.
there is no 100% guarantee of success.
all we can do is try. and try. and try.
again. and again. and again. and again.
till the right person comes along.
ok, so i might get hurt again.
but i will heal.
and a scar will remain.
whatever dosen't kill me just makes me stronger.
i have matured. alot.
and i have realised, good things are not easy to come by.
and i am going to hold on to this one.
what i told you, i told you for your knowledge.
not as a threat.
yes, we may have been hurt before.
yes, we have been betrayed.
yes, we have been through the pits of hell and back.
but it has only made us stronger.
there is nothing to fear.
the only thing there is left in me is the optimism that the future is bright.
i know you are afraid.
i know you are weary.
i know.
believe me, i know.
i am too.
trust me.
give me your trust.
at least, the benefit of the doubt.
for i have done nothing to misplace it.
i can promise you over an over again about a million and one things.
but what is important isn't the promises.
but rather, the feeling.
for the first time in my life,
i am following my heart.
and not my head.
in the past, i made all descisions based on rationallity.
based on logic.
this time, i am going against the odds,
defying everything around me,
standing up against adversity,
following my emotions,
following my heart,
going wherever it may lead me,
all for you.
and you alone.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
to my dearest friend.
you know how much you mean to me.
how precious you are to me.
i cannot be there for you 24 hours a day.
we all have our lives to lead.
the only thing i can promise you,
is that i will always be there for you when you need me.
i will always be the one to pick you up when you fall down.
and i will always be there if you need a shoulder to cry on.
*love*
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
The past no matter how much we deem insignificant,
will always come back to haunt us.
The past is an important part of anyone,
and no matter how much we try to shove it away,
at the back of our mind,
it still fights its way to the surface and emerges.
similliarly, the past has come back to haunt me.
not my past,
her past.
well 'haunt' is a rather exaggerated word.
i would prefer 'bother'.
ok, so yea, her past bothers me.
well not to the extent of being detremental to our relationship.
but rather to the extent of making me dream about him and her.
well, i got the admittance i wanted yesterday.
the embeded clues,
the suttle hints.
the codded enteries.
nope.
they didn't work.
i guess i had to wait for her to be ready with herself, before she could take that step forward to tell me.
i couldn't make peace with myself the night i found out.
it already happened to me twice.
and yea, ok, so no status.
but i mean, cummon, a third time??
no status, dosen't mean no commitment.
now that is what i have learnt.
there are still the sub-conscious rules and guidelines.
perhaps we aren't possesive by nature.
so the 'other' rules don't come in.
but whether one, or a hundred.
they are still rules.
and the rules have to be followed.
not broken.
respect me.
respect my feelings. emotions.
i was really broken.
torn apart again. again. again.
u told me you were sorry.
u told me it was a mistake.
your mistake.
and i accept you back.
for whatever you are.
but it dosent mean because i forgive you,
i forget.
i still think.
my mind wanders. uncontrollably.
and i can't help but have lost a bit of trust in you.
but trust can be earned.
it can be gotten back.
the imaginative scene of the two of you together is still a frequent visitor of my mind.
you declared your love.
openly.
to me.
and i declared mine.
and i honestly thought for a moment that i was really happy.
out of the darkness.
brought out into the light of day.
but i am suddenly flung back into the eternal abyss of darkness.
i hide in a corner, head tucked between my knees.
the phobia of darkness creeping under my skin.
chills running down my spine.
beads of sweat down my face.
i light a cigarette.
and all suddenly seems better.
hell hath no wrath like my scorn.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
i never had a best friend.
and i never bother to keep relations with accquaintances.
my social circle is small.
probably the size of about all my fingers.
but i do have a group of extremly close friends.
who i share everything with.
namely, eric, kenneth, daryl, and sarah.
and these four people are the four most important people in my life.
we have gone through weal and woe.
we have countless experiences together.
and we know each other at the tip of our fingers.
but when one of them chooses to leave you.
and tell you that they can no longer be good friends with you.
it just breaks my heart.
i just stared at the monitor.
lost for words.
sub-conciously, out of the four of them.
one will be the closest.
and that one, has choosen to leave me today.
and we have resumed the status of platonic friends.
perhaps it was my fault.
but what hurts more, is when that person tells you that you cannot be counted on.
i dont know what to say.
to:" you know who you are, you are very important to me. you mean alot to me. we have gone through so much together. we have known each other so long. we even know how the other is feeling over msn. perhaps i am unable to meet up to your expectations as a good friend. perhaps as you said, i dont have the time. but you made me tear again after you said that. because once again, i felt as if i lost something so important to me. i probably cant say anything to improve the situation, all i want you to remember are the memories we've had together."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Monday, September 19, 2005
deep inside me, i feel happy today.
i don't really know why.
but i feel content.
perhaps my life is completing itself.
my life is getting better everyday.
where problems i have dont revolve around emotions but rather monetary.
i was browsing blogs just a little while back.
and i decided to go into christine's blog.
i haven't viewed her blog for a pretty long time.
and i was happy for her.
her life is going on good.
there is a nice guy there for her.
and then i went over to sarah's blog and i was happy to know that she and joel are going on fine.
it just makes me happy to know that two of my ex's are happy living their life.
in a recent post.
i mentioned that hate is the flip side of a coin.
and i realised that, after a breakup.
when you begin to hate your ex for whatever reason.
it is because you still love him/her.
and only when you can get over the hate can u honestly say that you are over that person.
i remember a point in time when i was devastated.
and i felt as if nothing would ever make me feel better.
but i do feel better now.
time really does heal all wounds.
well, someone's status has been changed to ivan status.
and that made me very happy.
someone also sweared that she will not play again.
and that made me very happy too.
it just makes me feel better.
it just makes me want to invest more of myself into 'us'.
life always has unexpected turns.
and i realised,
love hits you when you least expect it.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Sunday, September 18, 2005
my guy must have style.
my guy must be good looking.
my guy must be financially surpportive.
my guy must be able to entertain me.
me: so do i meet those requirements?
well you do have style.
you are acceptable looking.
you are able to entertain me.
but you are not really financially surpportive.
***
ok, right now, my aim is to be financially surpportive.
at least den,
she will be happy :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
i Don't know if any of you noticed, but i changed my blog title.
My lips may promise, but my heart is a whore.
that was Sy's nick, and i found it so very appropriate.
what it means is pretty much self-expalnitory.
throughout my life, i have always tried my best to retain my innocence.
i always tried to play on the safe side, to avoid getting hurt.
but still, i got hurt time and time again.
and this time, i realised i shall not put myself on the line anymore.
i know i am contridicting myself again.
but something i read recently made me make that descision.
if someone isn't serious, then i don't think i should be either.
all of you know that it is easy to get my love.
it is easy to make me care for you.
and the 2 of you out there know that i am quite a nice bf.
so until u can prove to me that you are deserving, then i will shower u with an endless amount of love.
i told you many times before time and time again that i trust you.
but i don't know why i feel that pilliar of trust wayning.
just like you i am afraid of getting hurt all over again.
you may say we aren't attached so we won't get hurt.
but you're grosly mistaken.
my feelings are still put into 'us'.
i will still get hurt.
i am still human.
i have told veron before. it makes no diffrence wether we are attached or not.
the title of bf and gf means nothing to me.
the title of bf and gf dosen't mean you love each other more.
and you told me before that it is hard to find nice guys who don't play anymore.
but you can't really blame those players now can you.
i'm sure they were hurt countless times before and finally they gave up and they played.
everyone is similliar. everyone can only take THAT amount of hurt.
i am trying. very hard. very very hard.
please don't make me give up.
hurt me once. hurt me twice, and there won't be a thrice.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
me: no matter what, i have realised, wether consciously or sub-consciously i always compare girls i'm involved with to sarah.
Daryl: Ya, of course, i do the exact same thing. thats because she was your first love.
me: first love. true. so?
Daryl: so.. it was special. and somehow, whenever we want to compare anything, we always use our first experience.
me: mmm..very true. but why is it so difficult to find nice girls nowadays?
Daryl: *laughs* it's not that it is difficult to find nice girls, it's just that everyone isn't as innocent as before.
me: what has innocence gotta do with being nice or not?
Daryl: well, it's not that the girls aren't nice. they are. but they have been corrupted by society. it isn't like secondary school anymore. girls know what they want, and they go after it. and that is why sometimes, girls are materialisitic and stuff.
me: but what i really don't understand is, if u love someone, don't you stay with him purely on the basis of love and happiness? and not on what he can buy for you?
Daryl: well bro, that is just naive. trust me, you are never ever going to find a girl like sarah again. even if you go back to her, everything will be diffrent from before, for she too has been corrupted by society.
ok, that was my conversation with D a few days back.
and what he said just kept me thinking, and thinking.
in a warped sense, D was right.
innocence does make a diffrence.
innocence isn't lost when a girl picks up smoking/drinking/clubbing.
society.
the sole cause of the lost of innocence.
I still remmeber during secondary school, when i was together with sarah.
we would go out with like $10 bucks.
and $10 bucks to us would be like damn alot!
and we had fun, real fun. just playing, chatting.
no hidden agendas, no ulterior motives.
we were together on the basis that we loved each other.
yes it was special.
and for a long period of time, i kept wondering why we broke up.
some people have asked me before,
why did you break up with sarah? the two of you are good together!
i never knew how to answer them.
raftly, yea i knew. but i could never put my finger on it.
now i know why.
when she entered poly,
or rather,
when WE entered poly, we changed.
i never knew why we changed,
i always wondered if it was just my wild imagination.
or i just had too high expectations.
tonight, i realised it was because we were no longer the innocent children we were in secondary school.
instead we have morphed into manipulative, evil little things.(of course, an exaggeration.)
but yea, you get the gist of it all.
she had become caught up in her studies, determined to strive for better results.
she became competetive.
and i on the other hand, as you all know.. yea..
so we couldn't get along anymore.
as innocent kids,
all that was important was the feeling.
all that was important was the chemistry.
nothing else.
it was really, just sweet. beautiful.
but that was in the past.
and the past will remain in the past. forever.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Saturday, September 17, 2005
i know 264 hours isn't a long time.
and i probably don't know anything at all.
but what i feel is true.
how i feel is sincere.
we live in a time of complexity.
everything is in codes and cryptex.
and we can't understand.
we live in a time where innocence is lost.
and all that is left is evil.
i really don't know how you feel.
i always tell myself,
a chance, just one more chance.
me self confidence is really rock bottom.
and just like you,
i am afraid of getting hurt.again.
but i am taking the risk.
even thou everything around me is telling me not to.
i am putting myself on the line all over again.
giving you the benefit of the doubt.
i know my thoughts may be naive.
but if i never take the risk i will never know.
i know there is no status.
no clearly drawn lines.
everything is in grey.
neither white nor black.
i dare not take anything on face value.
ulterior-motives reign.
i don't know what to do.
the light at the end has been snubbed out.
and i have been tossed further into darkness.
i know all these may just be my wild-illusion.
my random thoughts.
so if it is, then just take this as my incoherrent ranting.
but no doubt, despite the greyness, i feel insecure.
i know you need your space.
your own time.
and that is why i have never pushed you.
never taken you over your comfort zone.
i am grateful of what i have now.
i am happy.
i am happy with you.
and yes you are important to me.
not in the sense of possesivness, or out of control.
but you are important because you mean something to me.
perhaps the feelings may not be mutual.
perhaps it may be my wishful desires.
i honestly can't tell.
it isn't so much the time we spent together.
or
how long we have know each other.
but rather,
how we feel towards each other.
No. i am not saying we should take this further.
like i said. nothing over your comfort zone.
i know you are just as happy as me with what we have.
and honestly i am content.
i just need to know something that you cannot tell me.
i need to know something that only time can tell.
but for now,
i will trust you.
you have the benefit of the doubt.
uncontrollable emotions.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Friday, September 16, 2005
It really is interesting.
It really makes me think.
Formerly lovers. never apart.
Then, seemingly strangers.
Now, bad blood brews.
ain't it interesting?
how hate is just the other side on the coin of love.
i keep wondering to myself,
how do lovers become enemies in a matter of seconds.
does time play tricks on us?
well i have to admit to something.
you were right from the very begining.
we were never right for each other.
and i'm sure you have to admit to something as well,
you're are mother fucking immature.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Thursday, September 15, 2005
tequila, tequila, tequila.
where art thou my tequila.
tequila really is a very intriguing drink.
tequila has the ability of making a person fall in love with the dustbin.
tequila has the ability of making a person hug the toilet bowl.
tequila has the ability to make you knock your head into everything around you.
tequila has the ability to make you tired.
tequila has the ability to make you do stupid things.
tequila has the ability to make you very happy.
1 tequila shot.
+
1 tequila shots.
+
1 tequila shots.
+
1 tequila shots.
___________
4 tequila shots.
hence, 4 tequila shots = a drunk chewy.
hahahahahahha.
damn man.. she was as drunk like a german ass dog.
***
ok, i know i havent been posting lately.
but i have an EXCEPTIONALLY good reason.
exams.
now who dosent know that word.
yea, and today's paper was a total bitch.
it was tough man.
i seriously wonder if i'll be able to pull through.
so please excuse the cobwebs around here.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
chewy is a bitch cus she dun care about me.
chewy is a bitch cus she dun want to entertain me.
chewy is a bitch cus she is so damn lazy.
chewy is a bitch cus she has been at my house the past 6 days.
chewy is a bitch cus she has been sleeping the whole day.
chewy is a bitch cus she always make me cook for her.
chewy is a bitch cus she likes to eat unusual food.
chewy is a bitch cus she likes to kiss me when shes sick.
chewy is a bitch cus she like to leave everyone testimonials except me.
chewy is a bitch cus she misses everyone except me.
chewy is a bitch cus she hates me.
chewy is a bitch cus she says im an ass.
i hate chewy.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
Monday, September 12, 2005
feeling so fucked up.
and so pathetic.
its my fucking responsibility.
and i cant even handle it.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(6) comments
apparently, someone has misinterpreted my post.
well, i dont see the need to explain myself to you.
when in the first place i wasnt even talking about you in this post.
but just for your information,
i still take my stand.
you choose this road. this path.
live with it.
i am no longer your bf.
i tried to get you back.
but you rejected me.
everyone knows i tried my best.
now that i am moving on with my life, and happy with who i am, you try to stop me from moving on.
im sorry.
but i have gotten over you.
i have ALREADY moved on.
like i told you.
make your descision wisely.
once i decide on what to do, i wont turn back.
and on a diffrent note.
if you actually believe i would play with your feelings, then i'm sorry, you don't know me at all.
so leave me alone.
i have a wonderful girl now.
someone who appreciates me for who i am.
someone who cares for me.
someone who makes me happy.
my life is good.
i am content.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Sunday, September 11, 2005
i am uncertain.
walking through a dark alley.
no lights overhead.
just pitch darkness.
i feel my way through.
carefully placing each step.
it's my first time in the darkness.
and my eyes are unacustomed.
i cant see the vagueness of shapes.
but you are there for me in the darkness.
holding my hand.
walking me through.
taking care that i dont trip.
but how hard do i hold on.
i want to grasp on with all my might.
and feel safe in your arms.
but at the same time i cant.
i dont want to scare you.
and cause you to run away.
leaving me, alone in the darkness.
but i am afraid.
afraid of the unknown.
it scares me.
take me through the alley.
that we may be able to see the light of day again.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
My feelings are true.
My feelings are pure.
The past is locked in the past.
Never to emerge again.
Our time together gold.
each second a gem.
treasured like a precious stone.
Happy, you should feel.
you love the dustbin.
I know.
but seriously,
I think i'm a better choice.
im glad it isnt a game.
my confidence restored.
You didn't rate me.
but i know what i have is enough.
ern, a small matter.
a speck in my eye.
it dosen't really matter.
be true to me.
and i will be true to you.
love is in the air.
i think.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Saturday, September 10, 2005
The game is over.
But it has just begun.
A new chapter.
Your touch as light as a feather.
Seduction.
Your forte.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
Friday, September 09, 2005
being a permanent resident at my house is oh-so-good.
and shit rocks.
chewy tribal butterfly.
sha la la la la :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Your Hair was soft.
Your dimple deep.
Your smile charming.
Your legs smooth.
Your tattoos astonishing.
The smell of fresh shampoo.
The curious touch.
The girly giggles.
The pierced belly.
Your tired eyes.
The constant phone calls.
The warm hugs.
Your cold feet.
The unusual food.
The contentment in my heart.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
it was zouk last wenesday. mahjong at night.
double O last thursday. dead drunk.
zouk last friday. mahjong at night.
zouk last saturday. mahjong at night.
mahjong on sunday.
boat quay on monday. mahjong at night.
zouk yesterday. mahjong at night.
zouk today. probably dead dunk.
singlehood isnt that bad after all :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHh...
I just need to scream.
to get everything out.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
I am really so tired already.
Tell me what u want.
take it.
and let me have a good rest.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Monday, September 05, 2005
CONGRAGULATIONS
to my blog on reaching a 1,000 hits. :)
ya i know its really little to some of you..
but my counter was started on 16th aug...
so its young :)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
ok, we played from 11 to 530.
a total of 6 and a half hours.
i lost $33.
but i was so happy she was playing with me.
i would gladly pay $33 again just to see you for another 6 and a half hours.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Sunday, September 04, 2005
It amazes me.
Time.
yes it really does.
I constantly wonder how time has the ability to manipulate us.
to change our thoughts.
to change our mindset.
to heal our wounds.
***
In solitude.
i watched as the rain drops smashed themselves one by one into the drenched window.
millions of tiny droplets.
i stretched out a curious finger and the droplet lost its shape almost immediately.
there is something about the rain.
something about a rainy sunday afternoon.
something magical.
somehow, the weather constanly reflects my mood.
i watch silently.
as the trees sway with the strong wind.
i watch but i do not see.
my mind drifts off to a wonderful place.
a place of serenity.
and i feel peace.
***
It has been just but fourteen days.
and time has worked it's magic.
i used to be everything.
but now, i am pretty much nothing.
silently, in the deepest pits of my soul.
lies hope.
dormant.
not dead.
***
A sudden gust of wind goes by without much of a warning.
a chill runs under my skin.
a divine sensation.
The wind continues to blow.
and with each passing gust, the chill intensifies.
i huddle up.
bringing my legs to my chest.
my hands wrapped over.
the wind manages to find its way through the nooks and crannies of my body.
causing a shiver to run through me.
a shadow appears from behind me.
and a pair of arms appear from the darkness behind.
they wrap around me.
saving what warmth i have left.
i was appreciative.
i turned my head back,
i wanted a look at the good samaritan.
the samaritan had extremly familliar features.
very much like mine.
I was looking Straight into my own face.
just like a reflection.
it was all so surreal.
He was me.
and i am him.
***
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
-B O Y F R I E N D.
-S P E C I A L F R I E N D.
-G O O D F R I E N D.
-C L O S E F R I E N D.
-P L A T O N I C F R I E N D.
-A C C Q U A I N T A N C E.
-S T R A N G E R.
self-explanitory.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
and i havent seen her ever since then.
the reason why i have been extremly elated the past few days was because we had planned to meet up and play mj with eric ken and chris tonight.
i finally had a chance to meet up with her.
well, eric couldnt make it because of work.
chris cant make it cus she has no money.
and kenneth feels that playing 3 people mj is very sian.
well, shit happens.
Disappointment is a part of life.
we arent meeting up tonight after all.
Like is said in my previous entries.
just because i decided to get on with my life, dosent mean that i have gotten over you.
yes i do.
i do miss you.
and still love you.
very very much.
When will i see you again...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Love is patient,
Love is kind,
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
It is not proud,
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never ends.
after reading this. i wonder to myself, have i ever been in love?
It is so complex. so hard for me to comprehend. i don't understand the emotion anymore.
i guess to me,
love will always be, Just Love.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Friday, September 02, 2005
ok, this is a chain blog message passed down by iris.
"lets describe 5 of my curious habits and nominate 5 other friends to continue the chain"
-_-
i got alot of curious habbits meh.... HAR!??!
mmm...
1.) I dream of furnitures coming to life. (is that a CURIOUS HABIT?)
2.) I bite my finger nails.
3.) I cut my own hair. every two days.
4.) I brush my teeth once a day.
5.) I masturbate 24 hrs a day.
hahaha... this one ah... pai sei.. cannot show.. lol
but hor, can show you an EXAMPLE..
hahahahhah ... and yes, the size is the same.. wahahhahaha
ok, now for the next 5 people.. mmmm..
they are... *DrumROLL*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sarah.
Jean.
Evelyn.
Yunz.
Meiling.
sha la la la la la la la la la ... weeeeeeeeeeeee~~~*
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Thursday, September 01, 2005
i was just talking to GIRL S over the phone..
and i just realised that guys are fucking jerky assholic ass cracks
who dont appreciate what they have. -period-
yes me included.
she deserves much much much much much much much much much much much much better.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
ok, so yesterday i had a dream.
and it was damn freaking wierd.
ok, i know my drawing
but that thing is suppose to be a book shelf.
and OBVIOUSLY that guy is me.
so freak, yesterday i had a dream about furniture coming to life.
seriously.. WHAT THE HELL.
i mean furniture?!?!
ok, for your info, it wasnt just the book shelf!
but the bloody chair and the television as well..
by the way, on the left is the chair, and on the right is the teevee. (just in case my drawing is THAT bad..)
i feel like a stoopid 2 year old kid having nightmares.
i mean seriously, who dreams about furniture coming to life!!!
i seriously doubt that even two year old kids have this kinda dreams!!!!!!!
but hor...
IT WAS FUCKING SCARY...
i woke up flooded in cold sweat..
and found myself on the floor -_-
i can't really remember all the details..
but all i remember is that i was REALLY trying v hard to 'siam' all the furniture!!!
then i remember the bookshelf caught me.
and i cant remember what it did.
but he flattened me.
he probably sat down on me with his blardie fat arse..
hiaz..
they say dreams are your subconcious thoughts..
does that mean my secret ambition is to bring furnitures to life?
hmmm....
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
i am coughing.
when i swallow, my throat hurts.
when i poke my nostrils, got mucus come out.
when i stand up, my whole body aching.
my eyelids feel very blardie heavy.
my head feels dizzy.
my forehead is hot.
my neck is hot.
my groin hurts.
i think i am falling sick.
i dont feel as happy as yesterday.
why ah?
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
alot of people have been telling me that i am very contradiciting.
one moment i dont want to give up.
the next, i want to move on with my life.
well, now im going to explain to you what i mean :)
when i said im going to move on with my life, what i meant was that i dont want to wallow in my self pity anymore.
i want to lead a normal life.
a happy life.
be who i was before.
the happy crazy ivan. :)
but just because i want to move on with my life, it dosent mean that i dont love her anymore.
nor does it mean that i have gotten over her.
it just means that i have made a concious choice to stay happy.
not to think about all the unhappy things.
and ever since i made that choice.. life has been much better.
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
"We realize how important something is to us, only when we lose it."
I only realised how important christine was when we broke up.
I only realised how important sarah was when we broke up.
i dont ever want to learn how important something is to me again by losing it.
today, i went to have supper with my two buddies.
eric and ken.
as we were walking to the shop, ken was asking me, "aye ivan, why u so cheerful today ah?"
and i replied, "just happy lor, happy got wrong meh.. haha "
but after that, i was really puzzled by it.
was i really happy?
i havent been happy for the longest time!
ken sent me home, and deep in my heart, i was still smilling
i felt.. genuinely HAPPY!
i always thought that i didnt have much friends.
i always thought that i was very much a loner.
but tonight, i realised that it isnt the quantity, but rather the quality that counts. isnt it?
i am really happy having those two asses as my good friends.
they have been with me through thick and thin, up and downs
always being there for me
and i really appreciate them :)
after my descision to get on with my life last night
i was able to open my eyes, and notice all the beautiful things around me.
i realised that i am a very lucky *cough* young boy.
i have everything i need all around me.
a caring family.
two very good friends
and two ex girlfriends that i am trying to work up to the same status as well :)
when i got back home from supper.
BN GIRL was online as well, and we were chatting, about some of her problems.
and the end of the conversation.
she mentioned that she really enjoyed talking to me, that im really nice
it's just small little things like this that makes my day EVEN more meaningful!
today has really been a good day.
i am really very very happy :)
since i opened my eyes, and got back onto my feet, i am able to see things around me, things i never took notice of.
things i now really appreciate. things that may be small, but mean so much to me.
i realised that there is a whole bunch of people out there who are concerned about me
and i'm not going to find out how important they are to me by letting them go.
i will not make the same mistake thrice.
twice is bad enough..
i learn to treasure everything i have now.
i shall learn to be content.
to be satisfied with what i have.
i am a happy baby :)
sha la la :)
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Have you ever wondered..
How life can change in an instant..
Where getting second chances..
and getting closure is a rarity..
Destiny..
She always finds her way..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Once upon a time.
there lived a princess.
She was locked in a tower.
try she did, she couldn't get out.
Her evil step mother.
constantly getting in her way.
One fine day, a young prince on his white steed rode past the tower.
The princess cried out to him for help.
The young prince saw the princess and immediately fell in love with her.
It was love at first sight.
His heart pulpitated at an immense speed.
He had difficulty breathing.
His palms began to pespire as he scaled up the high tower wall.
He finally reached the top.
He gazed intensly into the princess's eyes.
They had a moment.
and he siezed it.
They shared a wonderful, fulfiling, passionate kiss.
The prince was in love.
The princess was having the time of her life.
The prince spent the afternoon with the princess.
and by night fall, he tried to persuade the princess to return to his majestic castle with him.
However the princess declined, she was afraid of her evil step mother who locked her in the tower.
The prince returned without fail every day. to spend time with the princess.
to keep her from getting lonely.
to keep her from being unhappy.
all he wanted was to see her smile.
With every passing day, the prince fell more and more in love.
he wanted to spend eternity with her.
she was just so special.
The prince brought expensive gifts.
perfumes. gourmet food. jewellery. gold. silver.
just so the princess would smile.
nothing else seemed important to him anymore.
the only thing important was the smile on his princess's face.
He thought to himself:
"this is going to end like all fairytales do." "They rode on into the sunset, and lived Happily ever after."
One fine day, he plucked up enough courage and decided to propose to his princess.
He chose the most brilliant diamond ring. and the most beautiful bouquet of roses.
He mounted his steed, and galloped off towards the tower.
when he reached the base, he cried out to the princess.
butterflies flying in his stomach.
anixety flowing through his veins.
However there was no response from above.
There was no sign of anyone.
The prince began to worry.
Inside his head, the most terrible thoughts began to churn.
afriad that something dreadful might have happened to his beloved princess, he looked around for a vine.
nearby, hanging from a branch, on a mighty oak tree, the prince found what he was looking for.
He flung the vine up, and managed to hook it onto the window seal.
He scaled up the wall as he usually did.
beads of perspiration dripping down his forehead.
not due to the heat, nor the physical workout.
he was used to this daily routine.
It was cold sweat, due to his worrying of what might have happened to his princess.
finally he managed his way to the top.
but just as he put his first leg through, the vine lost it's grip and plummeted to the ground bellow.
he wasnt very bothered about the vine.
he scanned the small chamber.
no sign of his princess.
he ran towards the cupboard that was staring at him.
he swung the cupboard door open.
empty.
the princess had left.
The prince fell into a nearby chair, devastated.
his dreams shattered.
but he had faith in the princess.
he waited.
waited in the tower.
praying, hoping, that one fine day the princess will return.
He thought about her when he was awake.
He dreamt about her when he was sleeping.
one glorious morning, as the sun was shinning brightly, he fell back into his usual chair. and cried his heart out.
he cried.
and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.
for days, weeks and months he waited.
till one fine day, he got up from the bed.
and he realised, the princess was never coming back.
his hopes and dreams shattered.
yes, reality is painful.
but he took in his stride.
he walked over to the window.
he remembered that the vine had lost it's grip and fallen down.
he climbed out onto the window ledge.
he turned his head to take a final look at the chamber.
to him, it wasnt JUST a chamber.
it was a place that stored all his beautiful memories.
memories he will always treasure, of the girl he will always love.
he shed one last drop of tear.
he then took the very painful leap out of the window and fell to the ground.
the pain was excruciating.
but he took control of his emotions.
he cut loose his pain.
he gathered himself, and mounted his ever faithful steed.
he then rode back to the castle.
alone.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
i just feel like we are drifting further and further apart.
i cant even see you anymore.
formerly lovers, now seemingly strangers.
perhaps forever was too much to ask for.
i had my hopes, my dreams.
but the reality is drawing nearer.
drawing so near.
but still, i refuse to see it.
i close my eyes to what is in front of me.
i dream of what i want to see.
what i want the future to hold.
but something awoke me.
something opened my eyes.
the sound of the hung line.
ever too often.
i dont know you anymore.
i dont know who you are.
i gave you my time. my love. my life. my heart.
i know you are busy and all.
but that is no excuse.
they say, if you don't have time for the person now, in the future, he wont have time for you either.
and i say its true.
i had always dreamed of getting back together with you.
being a good friend wasnt a bad idea in itself.
but now that my eyes are open.
reality is staring me straight in the eyes.
burning its way into my cornea.
i feel so stupid.
so naive.
i have realised my mistake.
now i fully understand the complexity of the whole situation.
i'm tired.
and i will not succumb to the pain again.
i am getting on with my life.
standing up.
perhaps it was your ploy to behave the way you are.
to get rid of me. get rid of my feelings.
i'm tearing my heart open just on the hope that i could be with you.
i sold myself short.
not anymore.
there are good things in life. better things.
the scars remind me that the past is real.
i know i tried.
i tried my best.
it is ok if you dont appreciate it.
emotions cant be controled.
love gone is gone forever.
i am satisfied just by knowing i did everything i possibly could.
you seem happier without me.
once the page is turned, we should be content in the fact that whatever we had was beautiful.
all i have left are the memories.
and the scars.
i am getting on with my life.
moving on.
never looking back.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Monday, August 29, 2005
"It is important to let certain things go. to release them. to cut lose. people need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards. sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.don't expect recgonition for your efforts of your loveto be understood. complete the circle. not out of pride, inability or arrogance. but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. stop being who you were and become who you are."
it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Chris and me have no more chance whatsoever.
the moment i made the descision to remain as friends in bangkok, the cards were dealt.
i have really given my best. given my all.
i don't know what else i can do.
i am so tired.
mentally tired. thinking and thinking. trying to get her back. trying to be nice.
it is draining me of my energy.
sapping me dry of my life source.
"i den remembered how much i used to loved him.so deeply.so madly."
this is an extract from her blog.
past-tense noted.
and i just feel useless, and drained, and pathetic at the end of it all.
i feel like i cant do anything.
and my self confidence is like shattered. to oblivion.
perhaps i am still wallowing in my cess-pool of self pity.
i dont know. and honestly, i dont really care.
i am so tired of everything.
at the begining. the only wrong i commited was i didnt love you as much as you loved me when we were first together.
so when i couldn't respond to you, the way you wanted me to.
you killed your own feelings for me. you killed your emotions.
so that you could expect less from me.
but with time, my feelings for you grew. while your feelings for me gradually depleted.
i know i tried.
i gave my best.
and my best is all i can give.
have you every heard a single hand clap?
of course not.
because a single hand cannot clap. it takes two hands.
just like even if i try very fucking hard for fucking forever, its not going to work.
why?
because firstly you don't love me anymore.
and secondly, you don't want to be together with me anymore EVEN if you still had feelings.
my legs are giving way under me
i can stand no longer.
i typed this post in the afternoon.
and i hesitated posting it.
after alot of thought.
i realised.
NO. i will not give up
i love you.
and i will try.
and try and try and try and try.
i will make a single hand clap.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Saturday, August 27, 2005
"where is my mummy" is me.
"janicism" is my friend.
where is my mummy. says:
i wish she can appear in front of me now and hug me
where is my mummy. says:
dat would make my day :)
Janicism™ - Need a little hug says:
delusional ah
where is my mummy. says:
not delusional.. just keeping my hopes alive.
Janicism™ - Need a little hug says:
sometimes it's good.....
Janicism™ - Need a little hug says:
but sometimes.... *tiny voice* it can b badddd....
where is my mummy. says:
wat do u mean?
Janicism™ - Need a little hug says:
sometimes these hopes may be false hopes....
where is my mummy. says:
everyone has hopes, dreams, wishes. and i am just like everyone else. with my own hopes and dreams.they may never come true. they may be false, or just wishful thinking. but everyone needs hopes and dreams. without them we would have no goals, and our life would be empty
Janicism™ - Need a little hug says:
relationships can sometimes be a man's greatest pitfall
Janicism™ - Need a little hug says:
it is mine...
Janicism™ - Need a little hug says:
and seems like... it's urs too
where is my mummy. says:
yes it is.
where is my mummy. says:
thats true.
where is my mummy. says:
but everything is a risk.
where is my mummy. says:
life itself is a gamble.
where is my mummy. says:
and i am willing to gamble on my feelings.
where is my mummy. says:
for something that is, to me, worth it.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Thursday, August 25, 2005
mummy.. ni zai na li..
remember when we loved to ask this question?
do you remember when we first held hands?
we met at toa payoh,and we took a train down to rochard? and i was LATE!
haha.. and we went to watch anacondas!!
and we held hands inside...remember? :)
do you remember the time when we went to the zoo?
it was the first time i went with anyone to the zoo.
it was fun wasnt it?
taking pictures with animals.
just walking around.
remember we met at woodlands.
then we took a cab to mandai?
remember when i first was together with you?
i would always go to your workplace to find you?
then i would secretly wait in the storeroom.
hehe..
those days were really fun..
can you remember this photo?
haha, it was nt taken so long ago?
remmeber you said i looked like i sturck 4-D !!! hahaha
do you remember the times when you would come over to my house?
even thou you were so tired.
and the weather was so so so hot??
haha..
you were so sweet to me then..
and we would eat the macaroni with ALOT ALOT ALOT of ba chor?
or those fried praws that you like so much?? heeeeeez
do you remember when we would just slack in my room?
just hang around
and TAKe PHOTOS!!!
hahah we loved to just lie around in bed and keep snapping the camera..
remember??
haha ...all those nonsense pictures??
remmeber how zi lian we were!!! kekek :P
rememeber there was one time my brother was taking pictures for us?? haha
and we went crazy!!!
all sorts of stupid faces and poses!!! haha
it was really fun wasnt it!! :)
not only that!!!
remember how YOU LOVED to take neoprints!!! haha
and i so hated it!
so we came to an agreement that we would like take a neoprint ONCE every month!!
and you would be so happy and grinning from cheek to cheek when we took it!!!
haha...
oh ya, and do u remember your 21st birthday?
when i gave you the diamond ring?
YES! you were the first person i ever gave it too, cus i was so in love with yOU!!!
and can you remembr HOW HAPPY YOU WERE!!
you couldnt believe i bought you a diamond ring!!
i still remember that look on your face!!
PRICELESS!!!
a look of surprise! and happiness!! all rolled in one!!
and can you remember we went to marina south?
and we had steamboat with eric val iris and ken?
and i bought you a cake?
and you had to stand up on the chair while we sang the song for you?!
do u remember after that we went to your place?
and i stayed over?
and we were like so bloated and full already?
but your mom bought you a cake as well! haha
and we sand you a song another time!! :)
i know your 21st birthday was really simple..
but i know you were happy
and thats all that matter right?
do you remember one time we were coming to my house..
and you kept laughing at this face i gave you?
haha you remember this face?
cute right? hahha, it kept making you laugh..and laugh and laugh and laugh..laugh until you teared..ahhaha
then you tried to sabo me cus you were tearing out of HAPPINESS...
but you wanted everyone to think you were sad!!
so you TRIED to give a sad look so people would think i BULLIED you
but the moment i showed you that face again!! you would burst out laughing!!!
haha... that was damn farnie...
do you remember when i used to go to your house to play mario!!
and i would get so irritated i cant get the stupid mushroom..
haha, but of course you were always there...hehee... then can you remember one point of time we would play mario like siao! then we would save all the feathers to use at the last stage!! :)
do you remember the time when we were playing with that balloon thing..
where we put this ball of sticky stuff onto a straw?? and we blew it into a balloon??
haha and we trying to see who could blow a bigger one!!! remember!! hahah
hahahahahahah....we were cute werent we ? :)
can u rememebr when you stayed over at my place and we has nothing to do!!
and we played CARDS!!!
and the winner was allowed to put something in the room onto the loser..hahahhahahahhaha
it was so damn fun!!
remember when we used to play mj?
hahaha...and we would lose like siao!! and ill be in a bad mood?
hahahahhaha.... and remeber we would take pics outside the house? and steal a kiss or a hug when eric and ken werent looking...hahahahhaha :)
remember there was once you help me DYE MY HAIR!!!
hahah and you were so thrilled...hahah so excited!!! LOL
remember how fucking smelly the dye was!!! *yuck* lol...
remember when we went to ang mio kio?
i DIDNT WANT TO!!! hahah
but i pei you to sing KTV!!!
and in the end we had so much fun!!! we didnt even want to go!!!
weeeeeeeeeeeeee~* wo yi gi ren tiao wu!!!!
remember when we got caught in the rain at JLN KAYU!!!
hahaha...and i didnt want to get wet the NEW cap you bought for me!! remember the black suede wan?
and we ended up taking pictures at the busstop!! waiting for the rain to stop!! remember!!! haha
remmeber when we would always talk and talk on our bed... and we'll talk until one of us fell asleep!!!
hahahahha....
remember when we went to sentosa!!! and we had so much FUN!!!!
pulling each other around in the water... playing with the sand!!! floating in the water...
ekekekkekeke.... and then we would be sun tanning and we would go home looking like lobsters!!! remember!!! :)
and then everytime after sentosa i would go to your house, cus we would already be so super duper tired!!! when i got to your house i would just collapse on your bed and fall asleep!!hehe
but all the time no matter how tired you were, you would always help me put moisturiser on my skin as i was lying down so that when i wake up i would feel better!!
those were fun times weren't they?
remmeber how you alwasy took such good care of me
stroking me to sleep
singing to me
and thats how i ended up calling you MUMMY right!!! hahaha
i was so happy... eveyrthing was so care free...
everything was so laid back...
i woke up every morning happy..
hahahaha do you remember how you used to wake me up??
and i would look like this:
hahah...the grumpy old me :)
remmeber how you will pull me up to a sitting position...and quickly scramble behind me so that i wont fall back down!!!! hahahahhahah
remember how you always liked to squeeze my pimples!!!
and i would be so damn irritated cus it hurt so much!!!! hahahahhaha
***
everything has changed so much.
and realy typing this post didn't make me sad.
it helped focus on all the good times we have had
and i was beaming and laughing to myself at all the crazy things we did..
life was good then
life was perfect.
it always is when you have someone to love.
i met chris yesterday.
for a breif moment..
as i was send her back, we held hands again, i was so sad. and i did try to keep up my best strong appearance, but she saw right through it..
at that moment, i realised alot of things...
i realised i had regretted alot of things.
i regret not holding your hand more.
i regret not hugging you more.
i regret not kissing you more.
i regret not calling you more.
i regret not meeting you.
i regret not giving you everything you wanted.
i regret not being a better bf.
i regret having shouted at you.
i regret having made you cry.
i regret not always being there for you.
i regret never buying lilies for you.
i regret never buying a teddy bear for you.
i regret not talking to you longer on the phone.
i reget forgetting how important you were to me.
i regret going to jln kayu and not spending time with you.
i regret smilling more when im with you.
i regret being so demanding.
i regret being so possesive.
i regret letting you go.
i regret not making you happy all the time.
i regret not picking you up from schoool.
i regret not picking you up from work.
i regret not writting more letters to you when you wanted it.
i regret not smsing you whenever i had the chance to.
i regret not going to stay at your place when you asked me to.
i regret , i regret , i regret.
i regret because, i will never have the chance to do all these again.
***
i decided to leave the toothbrush there.
i will wait.
i will not give up.
and i dont care what the world says.
perhaps if i show you enough that i am in love with you, perhaps you may cahnge your mind.
the toothbrush is still there for you to use anytime you want to.
***
i love you.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
pain does evoke such exquisite eloquence.
it sucks you dry because you have to delve within the corest of core to find the apposite of expressions to beautifully express your pain.
that's why i say wallowing is great fun.
i want to scream my lungs out, but no voice emerges from within.
i want people to hear me, i want to express myself. but i cant.
my heart is hurting.
the pain ripples to very abyss of my soul.
causing my insides to vibrate and churn.
destroying everything that is left off me.
i am naked. stripped down to the bone.
someone is cutting me open. slowly.
where is my mummy?
my handphone sits on the table, mocking me. beckoning me to call her.
but i won't.
i can't.
i can't call her. i don't know what to say.
i need help.
a kind of divine intervention.
i need a miracle to take place.
someone help me.
drag me out of this pit.
it is only sucking me deeper and deeper inside.
leaving me there to rot.
i am stoney, all over again.
staring at the blank wall. watching time go by.
the music dosen't help anymore.
neither does blogging it out. it dosent help because i cannot express myself. i cannot type out how i feel. i cannot put my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, and my pain into words.
they have surpassed all that now.
so all i can do.
is wallow in this cesspool of self-pity.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
mummy..
i dont know if you would even get to read this post..
but i want to tell you that i finished those little fruits you bought for me in bangkok..
i finished it even thou i dont like it..
im a good boy...
mummy...i miss you...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
i would give everything i have.
everything i own.
everything that is precious to me.
to turn back time.
to go back to the plane ride back to singapore.
to hold her again.
to cry my heart out again.
to feel her hand in mine.
to hear her breathe into my ears.
to feel the warmth of her embrace.
to hear her tell me that she loves me.
that one hour, will be the moment i will treasure the most in this life and the next.
telling you we should be friends, is the most difficult thing i have ever done in my life.
but its time to face the truth.
i will never be with you.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Monday, August 22, 2005
She changed into her sleeping attire.
it was nearing midnight, and her eyelids were on the verge of shutting.
we had an extremly hectic day.
i told her to wait up for me while i took a shower.
5 minutes in the bathroom.
time i used wisely to think of how to approach this topic.
***
7 days back
i was chatting with her on msn.
it was a friendly chat.
carefree.
no hidden words.
no hidden meanings.
just, a carefree chat about each others lives and how we were doing.
then we touched on the topic about our feeling towards each other..
her: " you know, sometimes i wonder if i made the correct descision."
her: " i really wonder if one day, i will regret my descision."
her: " but i really don't know what to do. i am so lost. so confused."
me: " you should know how i feel about you. towards you."
me: " we never know the future, we don't know whether or not, our efforts would be a futile one or not."
me: " but i would rather try, and get hurt, rather then spend the rest of my life looking back at this and wondering if it could have been."
her: " but i really don't know. won't it be better if we stay as friends now? we may get back and be together for the next 1 or 2 years. but if we break up after that, we would only get more hurt."
me: " Love is a risk. a gamble. we don't know if it would work. all we can do is try."
me: " you take your time and think."
me: " but i hope you can give me an answer by the bangkok trip. i don't want to be caught in the middle. it hurts."
her: "ok. ill think about it.i love you, take care."
me: " i know you do. and i love you too."
me: " good night."
***
7 days later.
friday morning.
we set off for the airport.
bangkok, here we come.
eric stayed over my place the night before.
and ken took a cab from his place, and picked us up.
the girls were already at the airport.
we were late. as usual.
got to the airport, we had breakfeast and burger king.
i was awfully quiet.
and the tension in the air was thick.
the akwardness was overwhelming.
i hadn't seen her for two weeks already.
val and iris occasionaly put in a chirpy tone to lighten the mood.
a bad start to an expected wonderful holiday.
it was going to get worst.
***
eleven-twenty.
we touched down in Bangkok international airport.
i had barley spoken to her.
but the akwardness was fading.
very quickly.
it was becoming sadness.
it was as if the situation was mocking me.
like dangling a carrot in front of the donkey.
there she was.
always an arms length away from me.
close enough for me to touch.
for me to hold.
but i could never get her.
not ever again.
we settled down quickly into our new hotel room.
of course, she was my room mate.
eric and val, took one room.
ken and iris, took the other.
well i could see that she was trying her best to lighten the mood.
chatting non-stop about how excited she was.
about what she wants to buy.
and of course, about how blardie cheap the cigarettes are.
no matter how much i tried.
i could not feel happy.
it was just like there is this unbearable pressure going against me.
and i was breaking under it.
to make things worst.
throughout the trip, we were seperated.
on the cab, we split into two cabs, 3 and 3.
of course, me and her were the extra ones in the group. so we got seperated.
i really wanted to spend time with her. quality time. and i didnt mind paying that extra for the cab.
her company was well worth more then 100 baht.
during meals.
we were the "chairmen" of the table.
me and her would sit at opposite ends of the table.
i really wanted to sit next to her.
it would be easier to talk to her.
easier to get her attention.
and perhaps if really need be, grab her hand for a little support.
but no.
these chances never came.
not even on the plane.
we were seperated by a 1 foot aile in between us.
but that 1 foot felt like a kilometer.
***
i dried mysef off with the fury white towel.
a puddle of water started accumulating below my feet.
i didnt even notice.
there i was, just taken a shower.
but deep in thought.
gazing into the mirror.
planning my words very carefully.
there was no room for mistake at all.
i slid the door open, and walked out of the toilet.
she was propped up against the wall beside her bed.
covered to her waist with the duvet
dilligently waiting for me as promised.
me: " you tired? long day today."
her: " yea, pretty exhausted. anyway, what did you wanna talk about?"
me: " well, i told you over msn a week ago that i would like an answer in bangkok."
me: " have you put any thought into it?"
her: " i still dont know."
her: " i don't know if it will work."
her: " i have gotten used to my single life. a life of freedom. all i want to do now is work, work, work and work."
her: " i need the money."
me: " you mean to say, you have gotten used to being alone after only 3 weeks? but dont i mean anything to you at all?"
her: " i honestly don't know what i want. give me somemore time."
her: " its really late now. i wanna sleep. we'll talk about it tom ok?"
me: " after we broke up, i was devastated. but after a while, i could begin to control my emotions. i was still hurt. but i could control my tears."
me: " when you told me over msn that we might still have hope, i put my heart on the line again."
me: " i really believed that we might have a chance."
me: " and waiting , and waiting and waiting. is painful. just so painful. like my heart is split open."
me: " if you dont give me hope, at least i have a goal. i have an aim to ge over you."
me: " if you tell me you want to be with me and give it another try, at least i have a goal as well, i can try to improve the relationship. work on our problems."
me: " but if u tell me to wait, and keep me hanging in the middle. i have no where to go, nothing to do, except wait."
*trying to tame my tears.
me: " i really love you and i want to be with you."
her: " i know, but i need time to think. i dont want to make the same mistake again."
her: " its late, and we have another long day tommorow, sleep ok?
*she switches off the light.
me: " goonight mummy.... "
*cry softly.
***
it was a brand new day.
and the weather was good.
went to the flea market, and god, did the girls go crazy.
buying everything within their grasp.
we speant the whole afternoon there.
we guys as usual were wandering aimlessly around, nothing to do.
so we decided to get a place to chill, maybe a beer or two.
didn't really buy much there, just a pair of jeans and a few tops.
but it was fun.
alot of interesting things we dont get to see.
we agreed to meet the girls back at the entrance at 6pm.
it was only 5.
and other hour.
so.....
we went for ANOTHER beer!
as we were chugging the fabulous drink, i made a joke that the girls probably bought so much stuff by now, perhaps they should just buy a luggage to put all their stuff in.
so after our drinks.
we headed back for the entrance.
we reach there at 5.50pm
so we decided to just have a seat, and enjoy the street performers.
6.15pm
6.30pm
6.45pm
three familliar figures come walking through the crowds of sweaty people and low and behold!!!
EACH of them were dragging a bag FILLED with clothes.
talk about a premonition.
perhaps i might have a future career as a fortune teller.
mmm...
girls will always be girls now wont they?
we were exhausted.
not so much due to the walking, but more so because of the scorching sun. it was draining our energy.
we decided to go back to the hotel and have a short rest, and perhaps a much desired bath.
then came the taxi ride.
it was literally like a scene out of "need for speed 2- underground"
apparently, on the roads of thailand, you make your own rules -_-
so 6 of us crammed into a taxi.
and all roads, to the driver, happens to be one way.
even on a two way road, he goes driving against traffic at 100km/h.
and we i gave a gasp off surprise.
he turned and game me a smile of glee.
he cut lanes on the road as if he were a bike.
beat red lights.
and almost gave me a heart attack.
but i like!
if only taxis in singapore are like that.
i'll never be late for school!
***
i turned the aircon to "high"
and dumped our purchases on the carpeted floor.
i heaved a sigh of relief as i slummped wearily onto the chari neck to me.
i propped my feet up on the table and lit a cigarette.
my eyes threatened to shut.
but i forced them to keep open.
we only had 3 days in bangkok!
no time for sleep!
being the nice guy i am, i obviously let her take a shower first :)
and then it was my turn.
i felt that i had become more comfortable around her already.
i felt happy.
***
our meeting time was one hour from the time we stepped into the hotel room.
we had barley enough time to bathe and wash up.
"knock- knock"
it was eric and val at the door.
it only took me one glance at eric's body language and facial expression to know he was unhappy.
he was indiffrent, and had a look of confusion.
she was still putting on her makeup.
and val was busy talking to her about some nonsense.
so i took the chance to ask eric what had gone wrong.
me: " hey bro, whats wrong? you dont look too happy."
eric: " ya, im not. not convinent to say now. tell you later."
eric strolled out of the door and might i say, maintained a convincing front that nothing was wrong.
at least to val and her.
i got the hint, and strolled out after him, on the pretence that i was going to check if kenneth was
ready.
i closed the door quietly behind me as i left the room.
there he was. looking out of the window along the corridor.
a look of despair on his face.
one i am all too familliar with.
eric: " i found out the truth."
eric: " remember i told you i wanted to find out if val had another guy, or wether or not she still
loved me?"
me: " ya i remember. so what did u find out?"
eric: " i found out that she has been messaging and calling this other guy."
eric: " BM. thats his name. and her whole inbox is filled with his name. i dont know what to do. i
just feel like breaking up with her."
me: " relax man, it may not be as bad as it seems. you should have a talk with her, dont assume
anythign before she confirms it."
the rest of the night was terrible. eric did not utter a single sound throughout the night.
we went to patpong after dinner.
also another flea market.
and eric and val lagged behind the group for privacy as they began to discuss what was wrong.
they broke up.
so now, instead of one akward couple. it became two.
but this trip could only get worst.
we got back to the hotel.
and eric and val went into their room to talk things out.
***
me and her went back to our room as well.
me: " so how? have you thought about it?"
her: " i think i would prefer for us to be friends."
after that i just kept quiet.
i didnt utter a sound.
nor did i respond to her.
i just kept silent and gazed at the wall.
my mind unable to process what i had just heard.
all along, my hopes were so high.
i never expected this to happen!
i put on my jeans and walked out of the room.
i needed space.
i needed to be alone.
i didnt want her to see me cry. again.
she ran out after me.
her: " HEY! where are you going!?"
her: " can u please answer me? this isnt singapore. its not SAFE!"
me: " ill just be at the corridor."
with that. i sat on the floor outside my room.
in my left hand a cigarette , in the right, heineken.
her: " just come back in ok?"
and she went on, persisting. not allowing me to be alone by myself.
i stood up abruptly and walked straight back into my room.
sat back into my usual chair.
me: " you happy now?"
she picked up the phone,
and dialled the extension 410.
kenneth's room.
her: " hey ken ah, could i go over to your room. ivan wants to be alone."
ken: " ya, sure."
her: " ivan, im going over to ken's room. you want space. ill give you space."
her: " but please dont go anywhere. it is dangerous."
i didnt answer.
i almost didnt hear her.
i was too deep into my thoughts to bother.
she closed the door quietly behind her.
and the tears rolled.
unending.
i sang a song.
a song that i learnt when i was young.
to keep my mind of things for a while.
to keep me calm.
but the tears kept flooding my eyes.
and i couldnt stop crying.
i was broken.
all over again.
***
the phone rang.
it was eric.
he asked if he could change rooms with her.
meaning.
i would sleep with him.
and val would sleep with her.
i didnt have any mood to talk.
so i told him to call her at kenneth's room.
***
we switched rooms.
i was pretty sad.
i had wanted to at least spend the last night together with her.
but i guess eric was pretty upset.
so fine.
***
i holed up in the toilet crying.
outside, kenneth, eric, chris and iris were walking around, packing up their stuff.
i was still sad. very sad.
and i didnt want to see her.
i would cry again.
***
an hour later.
i emerged from my hole, and walk to the fridge to get another beer.
kenneth was talking to eric. consoling him.
i opened the sliding door and set at the balcony.
ken had pretty much finished talking to eric.
he turned to me and told me he had talked to her.
she wanted to tell me, that i had two options.
1.) we can have a clean break, be friends and never bring up this topic again.
2.) we can patch. and try to work things out.
i didn't answer ken.
my mind already had more then enough to think about.
***
i sat at the balcony for another 15 minutes or so, finishing my beer.
i walked over to room 405.
val's room.
i wanted to talk to her.
i needed some company.
someone in the same plight as me.
someone who was feeling how i was feeling.
i had so many questions on my mind.
- why did she ask ken to convey the message to me? if she was sincere, why didnt she ask me
herself?
- did she cave in due to pressure, or guilt, and thats why she asked me if i want to
patch? or does she really want to try.
- if her mindset is one of "eventually we will break up" will she still put effort into the relationship?
- is a diffrence in perspective and mindset very important?- will i be able to get the relationship to work?
these were the questions on my mind.
and i asked val about them.
i asked kenneth about them.
i asked iris about them.
and they all gave me diffrent answers.
i guess, people react in diffrent ways.
but the one thing that all of them told me, was that i should take this oppurtunity.
rather then regret or wonder what it would have been like.
***
chris was in val's room along with iris keeping val company.
i knocked on the door, and iris opened.
i asked to speak with chris.
we went to ken's room to have a good talk.
no one was there after all.
her: " so how? have you come to a descision?"
me: " wait, i have a few questions to ask u first."
i asked her many questions alot of them along the line of those above.
as she answered me, she was painting her toe nails. she was impatient with her answers and i
felt that she was a little irritated.
i wondered if she was interested in the conversation at all.
so i stop what i was asking her.
and i asked her two simple questions.
me: " if i patch with you, will you be happy or sad?"
her: " neither."
me: " if i stay friends with you, will you be happy or sad?"
her: " neither."
i sat there quietly, thinking about her answers.
hoping i would not regret what i was about to do.
i stood up and walked over to her.
i gave a very big hug.
and used all the strength in me to refrain from crying.
i didnt want this conversation to be filled with emotions.
the hug was.. i cant describe it in words.
but it felt good.
to be hugged by someone you love.
knowing that she loves you to.
after the hug.
i told her i want to be friends.
me: " the answer you gave me for those two questions shows that you have no interest in me."
me: " it tells me that whether or not you have me as your boyfriend, it dosent really matter to
you."
me: " and this shows me that you want to patch with me, only because i want you back."
me: " even if i choose to patch with you, and try my very best, we will never work out."
me: " it will never work out because you wont try. in your head, we will break up sooner or
later."
she didnt say anything.
but i saw the tears running down her cheek.
i so wanted to run over and hug her again.
i so wanted to tell her that i love her.
i so wanted to wipe off her tears.
and i so wanted to be her boyfriend again.
it took all the strength i had left to turn around and walk out of the room.
i closed the door quietly behind me.
tears running down my face again.
my heart aching.
***
kenneth went over to talk to her again.
after their conversation, kenneth came over and looked me up.
he told me that chris was really really very sad when i told her that i wanted to be friends.
and that gave me a glimmer of hope. again.
***
i ran out of my room looking for chris.
i found her still in kenneths room.
downing the last few drops from a can of singha beer.
i sat down at the other end of the bed.
i didnt want to be too close.
me: " i thought you told me you wouldnt be sad if i chose to be your friend?"
she didnt reply me.
she was evidently sad.
me: " what are you unhappy with me about?"
me: " dont tell me we have a diffrence in mindset. that is nonsense. what is the real reason. what
dont you like about me?"
her: " you are immature."
me: " why do you say that?"
her: " you are already 20, and you keep telling me you dont want to go to school. and why? not
for any vakid reason but because you are lazy, or you dont like the people there. a school is fr
you to study and learn, not to make friends."
her: " you save your money to put your tattoos. they are not a must. they are just a want. but
after you put them, you always tell me you have no money. you always tell me you think i hear already not sian meh? you know your parents dont like it, but you dont care, you just conitnue putting it."
her: " you are so childish, for example, just now when you were upset, you just walked out of the
room, and you dont care whether or not ill be worried about you. you just want to do what you want to do when you want to do it and odnt bother about the consequences."
me: " anything else about why we wont work out?"
her: " yes, religion. you are a christian. i am a budhist. i dont see you changing religon in the
future. and i wont become a christian. besides my mum dosent like christians. if this is the case we cant get married and eventually will still break up!"
me: " love has to be worked at. it dosent come easy. it is full of bumps and it s a tough road."
her: " i know that, and i know your purpose of coming in here is to ask me to patch since you
found out that i am sad."
her: " but let me think again. just now when i was alone, i was thinking through and i realised
that i dont want what other people are tellign me to affect my descision."
her: " give me more time to think."
her: " i promise ill tell you latest by tuesday."
***
5.20 am.
we both walked out together and went to our respective rooms.
but eric was already asleep inside!
so i couldnt get in.
i decided to bunk in with chris and val.
i slept on the floor of course.
but it really didnt matter because i was so tired.
i feel asleep the moment i touched the floor.
***
we woke up at 11 am the next day.
our final day in bangkok.
our checkout time was at 12.
but i was really still so tired.
i walked over to eric's room and was hoping he would be awake.
well he was.
i went it to wash up. bathe. and pack my bag.
we were ready very quickly.
and me and eric were having a smoke together.
we were talking about val and chris.
what we thought about it.
and how life was going to be like in the future with or without them.
***
our flight back home was at 8.05 pm.
we reached the airport at 7.30 and quickly rushed to check in.
i was so so so delighted when i realised that my seat on the plane was right next to chris!
i was OVER THE MOON.
when we got onto the plane, and reach our assigned seats.
we realised iris was sitting next to chris.
chris decided to give up her seat so that ken could sit with iris.
i have no words to describe how i felt.
but basically so so dissappointed.
i didnt know when the next time i would see her would be when we reached singapore.
and i wanted to treasure every single moment with her on the flight.
but after she changed seats.
i was so sad.
i just kept quiet.
i had nothing to say to her anymore.
everything was just so obvious.
she really didnt have much feelings left for me.
everyone knew i was sian.
it is pretty obvious when i am.
ill just keep quiet, and ignore everyone around me.
kenneth decided to cahnge seats back with chris.
and honestly, i find that there is no point in changing back once you have decided.
what is important to me was her first action.
changin back after knowing im angry just to appease me, is honestly, useless.
and so, i continued being pissed. and i ignored her.
and then she started crying.
but still i ignored her.
she took of my jacket which she was wearing and threw it back at me.
now that action made my blood BOIL.
i was so fucking pissed. i had to bite down on my teeth so hard just to control it.
kenneth turned to talk to me.
ken: " what the fuck man?"
me: (in a loud voice) " what do u mean what the fuck!!! just cause chris is crying means im in the
wrong ISIT!"
ken: "you ruined it for yourself lor."
i was super pissed by then. i was ready to blow up.
but i controlled and refused to utter a single sound until i cooled down.
luckily for me.
refreshments were served.
4 neat, scotch whiskeys and 2 cans of beers.
in less then 5 minutes.
what it took to cool me down.
and get me half drunk.
when i was about done drinking, chris turned over and offered me peanuts.
i was still a little angry, so i just shook my head without saying anything.
there was only about an hr left before we landed.
5 minutes later.
she offered the peanuts again.
well i dont think its so much about the peanuts but more about a peace offering.
i told her i dont want the peanuts.
she retracted her hand.
i shifted my body and faced her.
me: " mummy, i miss you."
me: " i really do love you."
her: " i know."
me:(struggling with my tears) " but we should be friends"
me: " if we patch back again, i dont know what will happen, i dont know wether or not we will be able to make it."
i couldnt control my tears anymore. and hugged her and burried my face into the crook of her neck.
i was just letting everyting out, i couldnt hold it in anymore.
i was crying uncontrollably and i didnt care whether other people heard it or not.
she was crying too.
me: " all i know is that you are so important to me. if we break up again, i know we will never be able to be good friends. we will walk past each other in orchard and act as if we dont know each other. and i dont want that to happen!"
me: " i would rather not be your boyfriend and get hurt now, rather then take the chance of losing you forever."
by that time i was crying so badly that someone gave me tissue. :/
she had also shifted her body to hug me.
she was consoling me.
being there for me.
and i just felt so good hugging onto her.
no more words were said.
except those of "i love you".
we just enjoyed the rest of our time together.
we hugged each other.
kissed.
held hands.
and for that beautiful hour in the sky.
i felt like her bf again.
and i was truly so happy.
but i couldnt control my tears because i knew it would end soon.
and i just didnt want it too.
when our bodies got tired from the akward postion.
we sat back properly and i held her hand tightly.
i brushed across the diamond ring i gave her.
and all the memories came flooding back.
i started to cry again.
she leaned over towards me and kissed my cheek.
it was really sweet.
i held her tight.
and my heart sank when i felt the plane land.
but she didnt stop there.
she continued to take care of me.
she held me hand throughout the airport.
and it was really very nice of her.
it made me so happy.
but i was still in tears.
***
i had made up with chris.
we had said everything we wanted to say.
and it ended beautifully.
i felt that everyting was alright.
nothing else could go wrong.
but something else did go wrong.
***
something extremly bad happened to eric.
he was distraught.
and shocked by the sudden news.
i dont know much about it.
so this is all im going to say about it here.
***
when we got out of the terminal.
my parents were waiting for me outside.
it was really nice to see familliar faces.
but i wished they hadnt seen me in that state.
my eyes were swollen.
and i was still crying.
i knew that soon, very soon, chris was going to go home.
and this was the last time i could ever hold her hand.
i grasped onto it tightly.
i asked my dad to give me 10 minutes to talk to chris.
***
we went out for a smoke.
i hugged onto her tightly.
as i smoked my cigarette.
i held onto her hand tightly.
crying uncontrollably again.
it was the last few romantic minutes i had left with her.
she kissed me
a long kiss.
the last kiss.
as i was kissing her, all the memories of happy times came flooding back into my mind.
and then it ended.
i placed a salty one on her cheek.
i gave her a weak smile.
she hugged me
our last hug.
i held onto her with all that i had.
i didnt know what to do.
i wanted to hold onto her forever.
i didnt want this moment to end.
i cried again when i let go of her.
we picked up our bags and walked in.
she held my hand
i tamed my tears from overflowing.
i didnt want them to see me crying.
i grasped on tightly.
i played with her ring with my fingers.
remembering happy times.
forgetting unhappy ones.
the last stetch.
from outside to the burger king.
the last stretch of road where i could hold onto her hand.
where i could tell her i missed her.
i kept telling her i loved her.
i kept telling her over and over again.
i held on to her hand.
and even when we reached my parents i didnt want to let go.
she gave me a last hug.
i didnt have to ask.
she knew i wanted it.
i cried.
i just couldnt help it.
i love her so much.
the moment i let go of her this time.
i could never hold her again.
i savoured every moment of it.
i enjoyed it.
and beneath the tears.
my heart was smilling.
i was happy she was holding onto me.
she only let go after i did.
she whispered into my ears.
"all we have left are the memories. i treasured my time with you. i love you."
i couldnt say anything.
a single tear rolled down my cheek.
she wiped it off.
she carrassed my face.
we had a last look.
and then she turned to walk away.
we didnt say bye.
i didnt want to.
i watched her walk away.
and from a distance.
i vaguely saw her turn back.
i will always remeber the words she told me.
all i am left with are the memories.
and i will never forget them.
i will always treasure them.
***
i am broken.
i am hurt.
i am sad.
all over again.
it feels like i broke up with her.
all over again.
but at the same time.
i am happy.
i finally had a conclusion i was looking for.
and i couldnt have dreamnt of it any better.
it was perfect.
i cannot describe how i feel now.
i just want someone to come and take care of me.
someone to hug me.
tell me that everything is ok.
i may look strong.
but i am weak.
i may look brave.
but i am afraid.
i may look unfeeling.
but i am very emotional.
i need a hug.
i want a hug.
i want my mummy back...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
friday, saturday, sunday.
was in bangkok.
it wasnt really much of a holiday.
more of a realisation of what we really want.
what each wants rather.
alot of unhappy thingd happened.
one of the couples that went, broke up.
and on the last day,
something EXTREMLY bad happend.
but i shall not touch on that at the moment.
i just reached home, and thought ill just give a brief update.
well, about me and chris..
all i can say is,
not everything we hope for comes true.
dissapointment is part of life.
and i cried.
very tired now.
will give a full update tom.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Thursday, August 18, 2005
"Just a word..."
what is love if it is just a word?
exactly.
it is just a word. period.
just like some people worship idols.
stautes.
exactly, they are just statues.
love is just another word.
a word we cannot even begin to fanthom.
a word so deep.
and yet at the same time so shallow.
deep in the sense that, we cannot describe the feeling.
it is an intrinsic feeling.
one we cannot begin to describe.
one we can only barely scrape the surface off.
shallow because people are so frivalous with it.
they say it, day in, day out.
every morning.
every night.
every single day.
it loses its meaning.
it becomes one of those everyday chores.
instead of being beautiful.
and i am one of those people.
up till now, i cannot comprehend what "love" means.
what is love?
is there such a thing?
how do u classify love.
you say you love your girlfriend. a romatic love.
you want to hold her hand.
you want to hold onto her.
you want to kiss her.
shag her.
you say you love your friends.
you say you love your mom.
so then do you want to shag your friends and your mom?
isn't love JUST love.
why are there so many kinds of love?
this and that.
we use love so casually, on every single daily thing.
from my point of view, its just more like you cant live without the other person.
then in that case, isnt it more like dependency rather then love?
they say "love is when you take away the romance, time, and physical contact, and you still
genuinly care for the person."
bullshit.
i look at couples, day in day out.
claiming they love each other like there is no fucking tomorrow.
they break up.
and never see each other again.
what the fuck.
i thought they loved each other?
isnt love forever?
then why does the word "break up" turn the love switch on/off?
does the term BOYFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND, HUSBAND or WIFE determine love?
once the title is relinquished, does that mean love is relinquished as well?
if love can be so well controlled, obviously it was never there before.
love is when you work through the THICK and the THIN.
when breaking up isnt at the side of your mouth.
the moment something dosent go your way, the word break-up suddenly grows wings, flying
round the room.
take for instance, your parents.
you are stuck with them.
why do you think they say,
"all you have is your family"
"blood is thicker then water"
why do u think these cliche phrases were born?
because family DOSENT quit on you.
there is no such thing as a way out.
no such thing as give up.
no matter how much you piss each other off.
no matter how much you shit in their faces.
they will still be there for you.
why?
because they understand the true meaning of love.
your brother is fucking irritating.
your sister is so fucking whinny and bitchy you wanna throw her off the balcony.
your mum is so bloody naggy you want to slap her shut.
and you are so fucking stubborn and rebelious, you parents just want to whack you back into
reality.
but whenever there are problems.
whenever there are trials.
whenever there are issues.
you are all there for each other. as a family.
don't tell me it is different.
you cannot compare family and friends.
there is no bloody difference.
love is just love.
there is no such thing as romantic love. no such thing as unconditional love. no such thing as a caring love.
love is just love.
love isnt fucking.
making love, doesn't equate to LOVE.
making love equates to LUST.
love is a choice. you can stop the emotion any time you want. hence, unconditional love, is
rubbish.
love is not having to be with that person. but rather, a CHOICE, that you want to be part of that
persons life.
love is a concious choice to care for the person. to be there for him'her through thick and thin. through sickness and health.
love isnt holding hands.
love isnt hugging.
these are just signs of affection. things you do to reassure the ones you love you are there for them.
love is being there for each other.
love is supporting each other.
love is being patient.
love is sacrificing for the other.
LOVE ISNT EASY.
you work you bloody guts out for it.
you put all you have into it.
you bleed.
you cry.
you sacrifice.
you lose important things to you, because that person is more important.
love is fragile.
the slightest movement knocks it over.
it falls onto the floor, and shatters into a fucking billion pieces.
but you sit down with your partner, and you piece it back together.
bit by bit.
piece by piece.
and not fucking walk away because piecing it together is troublesome.
you take two pieces and you glue it back together.
glue it stronger.
of course, glass once broken will never be perfect again.
of course, glass once shatterd will have cracks.
but who on this bloody earth ever said love is perfect.
quarrels make you understand each other better.
picking yourself up after breaking into a billion pieces is unforgetable. it is really, priceless.
the road of love is full of pain. full of hurt. full of hurdles. and scars.
love isn't having romantic music walking around some stupid garden holding hands with your partner.
the trials of love are painful, and not many make it through.
everyone compares break ups with shattered glass.
which means, when your love was beautiful.
when your "love" was budding.
it would have been a beautiful piece of glass. correct?
but do any of you actually know how glass is made?
it is put through the HOTTEST temperatures.
put through the most fiery furnaces.
burnt. expending. bubbling.
over and over again.
hell on earth.
is what glass goes through in order to be made.
does that sound easy to you?
not the slightest bit.
love has to go through trials.
love has to go through ordeals.
in order for it to come out, beautiful.
in order to come out as glass.
love dosent come to you on a silver platter.
there is no love at first sight.
there is no true love.
there is no perfect partner.
there is no soul mate.
these are expressions by the inexperienced few who have not the slightest clue of what love is.
they delude themselves into believing that a perfect world exsist.
people talk about owning expensive cars.
owning a big bunglow.
becoming a millionaire.
but let me tell you something.
you can achieve all these in a life time.
but you might never attain love, even in two life times.
it is easier to becoming rich, wealthy and fucking popular then loving someone.
but there is a danger in loving somebody too much.
the danger is your heart. you cant trust it.
hurt. pain. sorrow. tears. all the after effrect of broken love.
and it is so well known by everyone.
but why do people put themselves on the line.
over and over again.
why?
becasue love is essential.
its as simple as that.
there is no point gaining everything in this world.
but having no one to go home to, to share it with.
nothing makes you the happier then making someone you love happy.
no gift is more valuable then a present from a loved one.
love is beautiful.
love is the very essence of us.
love is life.
"You need to learn the patience of love because love isn't perfect.love is just love."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
friends.
they keep me company when im bored.
they keep my spirit up when im down.
they are there for me when i need them.
sometimes, i feel that as we grow older, it gets so difficult to make friends.
especially girls.
they always have this really warped thinking that, whenever guys get close means we like them.
*dUH*
sometimes you want to get to know people, and they are scepticle why you are so friendly.
everyone is afraid of everyone.
people think you have ulterior motives.
when all you want is to make friends.
**********************************************************
well my friend, S, called me today.
and she wasnt really feeling too happy.
i sensed it when i picked up the line.
but i went with my better judgement and decided not to ask anything.
i mean, she would tell me if she was ready right?
if she didn't want to say anything, then i guess all she wanted would be my company.
and that was what i was going to give her.
well, as you all know.
after my break up, many of my views have changed.
i don't really care what i do or say anymore.
i don't really give a fuck about anything.
so there came a point in our conversation, where she decided to open up.
S: "ivan, do you think i'm unreasonable?"
s: "i was asking shawal just now and he said i wasn't, that it was a naturally response"
me: "orh"
S: "huh?!?!"
me: "orh"
s: "what did you say??!?!"
me: "i said, orh"
s: "whatever lor"
me: "whats wrong?"
s: "(mumble mumble)...i don't want to talk to someone who gives me sarcastic 'orh'"
me: "ok then, bye"
s: "(taming tears)... bye"
and that was the end of our telephone conversation.
and i was pissed.
with all honesty..
my 'orh' was just a form of acknowlegment to what she was saying.
so anyway,
i needed a place to vent my pent up anger. as usual.
so i looked through MSN.
scrolled through my list of contacts.
and there she was. online.
so i decided to send her a msg.
me: "i know you are unhappy, but you shouldn't vent your anger out on me."
me: "i didn't do anything"
me: "fuck your bloody arse man.."
s: no reply.
ironical huh..
from S being in the wrong.
the tables were turned and i became in the wrong.
why?
well, for one, my reply was uncalled for.
two, i was insensitive.
well. S is a really dear friend of mine.
one of the closest friends i have.
and i am really guilty about what i have done.
she has always been there for me.
whenever im down, whenever i need someone to pull me up.
and this made me more guilty....
S: "i wasn't venting it on you"
S: "i was frustrated with YOU"
S: "i'm upset, and i just wanna talk it with a friend"
S: "but there you are laughing with your friends, so i figure its best not to talk to you bout it"
Me: "all i said was 'orh' ..do i need to have a pre-determined answer when i talk to you? if so, im
sorry i didnt know. you didnt tell me."
S: "cos like i was talking halfway you can just start laughing"
S: "so i just think i don't have to share this with you"
Me: "whatever."
s: "whenever i know you're upset and you wanna talk"
s: "i immediately shut off my chats so i won't be laughing halfway while you're telling me ur
stuff"
s: "i don't expect you to do that thou"
S: "i'm sorry ivan...."
s: " :'( "
me: no reply.
i really feel very bad.
and guilty. guilty. guilty. guilty. guilty. guilty. guilty.
SHE APOLOGISE TO ME LEH!!!!....
how can?
it is lim peh's fault... den she say sorry.
mmm..
well, my dear friend if you read this.
i hope you arent hurt by what i have done.
i really didnt mean to be insensitive.
just that, i have changed, perhaps for the worst.
i know its not an excuse.
you have always been there for me.
ALWAYS.
and i should be there for you as well.
well, this is as good an apology as you are going to get...tee hee hee..
im not gonna say the 5 letter word.
*guys and their egos*
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's you're heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
i thought i was fine.
but why am i crying again?
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
"it's the small things that count."
it's been 18 days since we broke up.
3 days short of three weeks.
i packed up all the things you gave me.
and they fit snuggly into a shoe box.
i kept all the pictures, albums, frames.
i even took out the pillow casing.
i basically left no trace of you at all in the house.
or so i thought.
when we broke up,
i was so deeply hurt.
and i felt that i dont ever need you again.
i believe its the small things that count.
action speaks louder than words.
ya, this is a pic of my toothbrush holder. ( pls note the toothbrush on the extreme left.)
it spells, christine.
i never got to taken your toothbrush down.
no, not that i forgot.
how could i forget about something i see twice a day.
but its more like i was always hoping that maybe you might come back.
that maybe i still have a chance.
maybe...
so i left it there..
in the hopes,
that perhaps you might use it again.
perhaps...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
"where does insecurity come from"
this is actually a back-dated post, but i needed some time to think about it.
well, a few days back, i was chatting with ting on MSN.
there came to a point when we talked about her new
and as usual, she's all secretive about him. labelling him SBB. abbreveation for some baby boy..hahaha.
well then i asked her if they were exclusive, or just dating unofficialy.
and she said, we're "complicated".
so then i asked her, "dosen't exclusivness give you more security?"
in which, she replied, "dosen't exclusivness bring more insecurity?"
i have been thinking about this for a long time.
as you can see, both sentences are true! but at the same time, they contradict each other.
based on my experience in relationships, yaa, its true. being attached does give suffice to insecurities.
When you love someone, or even just have that tiny ounce of feelings for him/her, you naturally want to be with that person.
so that person is "deemed" yours.
when two of your have a commitment to each other, you feel more secure. More confident that the person won't run away, and the chances of him/her falling for someone else would be much lesser as well because they are in a realtionship, and normally would give it their all. ( yes i know i am making assumptions here. but if i were to talk about all the situations, my post will be 1000000 times longer then ting's post.)
so basically, being in a relationship does make u secure, knowing that the person is commited to you.
now, on the point that ting mentioned, "dosen't exclusivness bring about insecurity?"
yes i agree as well, exclusivness does bring about insecurity. in some cases.
the insecurity comes about when:
1.) you love your partner more then he/she loves you.
2.) when you have LOW self-esteem.
3.) or when you become too possesive.
-you love your partner more then he/she loves you.
This is when, obviously your feelings for your partner surpass his/her feelings for you by a great amount.
Because you loveyour partner so much, you do special things for them.
things to make them feel loved.
things to make them happy.
things that would make them smile.
BUT
you expect them to do the same for you.
however, your partner dosen't love you that much, to be willing to sacrifce, perhaps time/money/effort to do these kinda things for you.
and thats when insecurity sets in.
in this situatuion,
it only gets from bad to worse.
First of all, you will feel DISSAPPOINTED.
Then you will start asking yourself stupid questions..
why is it she doesn't want to recipocrate the things i have done for her?
does she EVEN appreciate it at all?
then, your fuzzy imagination will start bubbling...
hey wait, maybe she dosen't love me!
maybe she's got someone else!
maybe she's taking me for granted.
and you will lead yourself further and further down the path of self-delution and insecurity.
plus, normally in this kind of situations, you will go consult a friend, and obviously your friend will only get to hear your side of the story.
friend will then convince you of how bicthy/jerkish that person is, and back it up with his own experiences.
when, all along, the guy/girl did have feelings for you, genuinly loving you all the way.
just not as much as you.
-when you have low self-esteem
self esteem, confidence. both similliar things. and both extremly important in a relationship.
why?
well because, self esteem and confidence make you feel GOOD about yourself.
and btw, on a totally unrelated note.. a confident person is a SEXY person ( ok im digressing)
when you are together with someone, what your partner dosent want to hear is you whinning all day long that you arent good enough for him/her.
that is a total turnoff.
we dont wanna hear things like...
"dear you're so rich and im not."
or "dear you are so handsome and im so ugly"
or "dear you are so smart im so stupid"
ya, you get the drift...
things like that..
basically, we don't like our partner belittling themselves.
When you have no OR low self-esteem.
you become clingy.
because you dont have the confidence in yourself that you are deserving of your partner, you hold on tight, YOU HOLD ON FOR YOUR BLARDIE LIFE.
obviously, your partner is not going to respond well to it!
he's gonna tell you that just because you "think" im better then you, you hold on for your dear life, not giving me any room to breathe!
when your partner finally sits back and thinks about it...
he'll figure out that being good to you, ISN'T a good thing at all.
the better he treats you, the more you will feel insecure.
and from the moment this thought enters his head.
you will be able to feel the steady decline of his "goodness"
AND THEN, you will assume he DOSENT love you because you arent good enough for him.
and then again,
you will call your friends out,
and start bitching your lungs out about how jerky/bitchy your partner is...yaba-yaba, bla bla bla...
you get the picture.
-when you become too possesive.
well, being possesive, i guess most of you should be familliar with.
but for those
possesivness is creating boundaries for your partner.
telling him/her that, "ok, you wanna be with me then you follow this set of rules"
example of rules would be, more commonly, no going out with opposite sex. no talking to opposite sex. no sexual realtion with opposite OR same sex.
well, the most OUTRAGEOUS "rule" i have seen before is a boyfriend DEMANDING that his girl give him ALL of her allowance so that she cant go out.
mm...now thats a little over the top now isnt it?
tsk..shite.. digressing again... my thoughts are all over the place...tsk..
mmm, ya, on possesivness again..
so..
when you set these rules for your partner,
its all due to insecurities,
"do not meet the opposite sex"
"do not have sex with the same gender"
these are all rules you set for him/her..
things you are afriad he/she will do..
things you are afraid will be detremental to the relationship..
more often then not, we spoil our own relationship..
we create too many rules.
it becomes stiffling.
suffocating.
and when your partner finally feels too tied down and gives up.
he/she will just stand up and walk off.
leaving you in your own pile of rules.
and there you will be...
again ...
thinking about how unfair life is to you...etc..
*********************************************
so actually..
i feel that this word "insecurity", is what we create.
most of the time,
we destroy what is most dear to us.
" love is like a buttefly in your hand, hold it too tight, and you crush it, hold it too losely, and it flies away."
perhaps some of us are afraid of commitment..
some of us are afraid of getting hurt again..
so we want our partner to behave in a certain way, to reassure us that they won't hurt us, not like the previous idiot.
"insecurity" is a viscous-cycle.
your partner breaks up with you because you are insecure and possesive and hence you get hurt. when you go into a new relationship, you are fragile, and even more insecure.. and it just gets worst and worst and worst..
i feel that love, is a risk. a gamble.
there is no such thing as true love.
love has to be worked at. it has to be nurtured.
and it does sound cliche, but yes, it takes two hands to clap.
being neither in an exclusive nor platonic state, i feel that you would get yourself hurt more.
no i dont judge you, sometimes, complicated isnt bad..
sometimes it gives you the abiltiy to be less insecure and possesive.
and when the time is right, you take the leap.
but u cant ask for love, but tell yourself that you dont want commitment.
just like you say, i want to eat a whole cake, but i dont wanna put on the weight.
it is just not possible.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
ok, the NATIONAL LANGUAGE of singapore is MALAY.
our NATIONAL ANTHEM is in MALAY.
our NATIONAL LANGUAGE is MALAY.
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SO THEN WHY IS OUR BLARDIE NATIONAL DISH..
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CHICKEN RICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, singapore is really wierd..
or do they wanna live up to their slogan, "Uniquely Singapore"
You do one-two many stupid things, and ya, you can be classified as "UNIQUE".
i mean, chicken rice, has got NO malay-heritage watsoever.
why don't they make MEE GORENG the national dish for crying out loud.
CHICKEN RICE ISN'T EVEN HALAL...
so now, on all SQ flights, as of today, will be serving... make a guess...
yaa..
so clever...
blardie CHICKEN RICE.
why? you may ask..
well so that foreigners get to taste the FLAVOURS of singapore even before they set foot here.
well, if alumminium covered, over-cooked, extremly-bland, VERY dry CHICKEN rice is what you call flavours of SINGAPORE...
den i wish you the very best of luck.
-_-
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Monday, August 15, 2005
ok.. so all of you know that im going bangkok this friday.
so if u all have an
for example,
maybe you want one of those
or
you want some
or
you want one of those "i love thailand" t-shirts.
or
you want me to bring a wife back for you from thailand.
then drop me a mail, comment, tag or call me sms me, whatever, you have your ways..
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
my name is tay XIAN YI ivan.
the reason why i emphasised the xian yi, is because, that is the whole point of the post!
well, all of my idiotic friends keep poking fun at my name.
XIAN YU!! XIAN YU!!
tamade... sibei irritating sia.. keep calling me xian yu... (english translation is salted fish -_-)
call me XIAN YU very farnie ah..... HAR?!
nah bei...
now, lim peh gonna tell you all what is the meaning of my name..
XIAN YI means .......................................... GODLY- VIRTUE.....
dun play play ah...
the meaning of my name, like very HOLY and SPIRITUAL hor...
nah bei...den u all still dare to make fun..
****************************************************************
mmm...
talking about HOLY and SPIRITUAL...
i was at church last week ( yaa, i know its damn long ago can..)
and the pastor was saying some stuff on the podeum, it goes like this..
Pastor :"you all need to make it CLEAR to the people around you, be it in your work place, or school, or wherever you spend most of your time, that you are a CHRISTIAN, and that you go to CHURCH.. When they hear that u go to church, those who are eager to know about the faith, will ask you to bring them to church and share your faith to them. in this way, you would be able to spread the word of GOD."
nah bei... in my heart hor, lim peh was thinking, "tamade, i tell them i am a christian, they will say... HAR? YOU CHRISTIAN! SURE ANOT?!"
walao, if that happen will sibei sia suay..
hiaz.. now that set me back into a reflective mood..
WHY WOULD SOMEONE NOT BELIEVE IM A CHRISTIAN?
because of the tattoos?
because of the smoking?
because i dont look like someone who reads the bible?
mmm..
after MUCH reflection,
I STILL DUNNOE!!!
hooooowwwwww~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
it is really damn sad lor, when you tell people your religion and they dont believe...
shi bai ah....
******************************************************************
mmm...
just a random thought...
you know, nowadays girls/ladies, like to go fro breast augmentation?
yaa, basically a boob job..
so, the surgeon pumps silicon into her boobs...
so i was wondering...
once the woman dies..
and like instead of being cremated, she's buried...
and after like a 50 years when you go back and dig her up...
all that would be left would be the bones right?
but i was wondering, would there be like two lumps of silicon on the floor as well???
lol... ignore me...just a random thought...haha
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
mmm...
sad sia..
so ting told me THAT MY PERCEPTION AND DEDUCTION IS WRONG!!!!
omg..
but hor...
i still really really really think its HIM!!!
hiaz...
grrrrrrr....
i tot i had it sia..
but obviously she knows better den me.
UNLESS she bluff me!!!
haha..
aiyoh...nvm ba..
not him den hot him lor..
hiaz... SHI BAI AH....
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
ok, mahjong suxs..
i finally lost... haha
well, i guess a winning streak has got to come to an end..
but STILL, it SUCKS!!!
mmm... im gonna take a break from mahjong..
too much isnt good...
besides, im going bangkok soon, NO MONEY TO LOSE LE!!!
**************************************************************
Well, on a happier note!
i won't have to worry about my finances for cigarettes for a few weeks!
mUAHHAHAHA...
got it from my friends 'kang tao'
heEEEeZ~~~*
very happy!!
cigarettes in singapore are getting to damn EXPENSIVE!!
so this is a good way out :)
see my huge smilE? it means im haPPy Happy HAPPY!!
***************************************************************
wahaha, FINALLY...
so, snoopy around really IS a good thing after all..
or did she leave to many hints for me!
lol...whatever it is..
i figured out who ting's SBB is...
whahwahwahw...
HEY, i did do my fair share of INVESTIGATIVE WORK!!
mmm.. but hor, since she wants to keep him annonymous,
den, you all suay lor..
you won't get to find out who SBB is..
I respect PRIVACY wan hor...
wawhahwahwah
btw ah ting,
if u do read this rite..
your voice is really baby voice lor ~>.<~
dun kill me!!! kekek :P
*************************************************************
well, was chatting with SOMEONE the other night,
and we were chatiing about serious stuff,
likes whats to be of us, etc..
and she did tell me something that made me pretty happy..
make me excited..
make me recall those happy times..
well, i hope, it does come true..
becasue even thou i told her i won't be disappointed..
i probably WILL..
*******************************************************
hiaz... tom ive got class at 9 am...
freaking 9 am...
i havent even seen the sun for DAYS..
and guess what, it is blardie RELATIONSHIP MANAGMENT!!!
now like why on EARTH would they wanna come up with this stupid subject..
seriously i think its damn lame..
and EXTREMLY hard to study for..
grrr...the life of a student...
mm... anyway, its 3.30 in the morning...
and if i dont sleep..
i'm gonna be sleeping during class..
not like it matters anyway,
but ya...
out..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Sunday, August 14, 2005
mmm...
was kinda drawing out the final touches of my tattoo..
mm... but cant reall do it... my art really suxs..
hiaz... im gonna go back to the shop, and when she asks me what i want? i wont know how to answer her again...hiaz...
well, finally get to go play MJ with the guys..
hehe...
cmon ya all... wish me GOOD LUCK!!!
well...the bangkok trip has finally become reality.
we're flying off this friday, and its really digging a big fat hole in my pockets..
don't really know if i'll have enough with me.. but i hope i do :'(
well, don't know why, but not really looking forward to going bangkok, well, with everything that has happened, and the poeple going, i don't know how to react..
all i know is that im SERIOUSLY gonna feel damn WIERD!!
i don't really know how i should feel actually, see i really really do miss her, shouldnt i be happy i get to see her for three whole days, and did i mention we will be staying in the same room?
yup..
i guess it could go EITHER way.. good or bad..
hiaz..
sometimes i wonder, are PEOPLE getting more complicated, or do our PROBLEMS get more complicated..
or perhaps as ting said, we are chasing our own tail..
mmm... i'm not an animal, don't have tail le.. -_- very corny rite... heh..
just really bored again.. nothing really much to do everyday, just sit around and slack, but i guess, it is a good thing in a way, i dont have so much stress, and i get to relax..
lol...not like i was under alot of PRESSURE in the first place...haha..
but ya, gives me the time to sit back and think about stuff, do what i want, when i want to.. just for once, take things slow, in a fast paced singapore.
most of the time, im just rushing her and there, and the world is rushing with me..
and everything goes by so fast, you don't even notice it. everything is just a blur.
well, on the other hand, monday is back to school, actually, tommorow is back to school.
for a 'slow-paced' week, it passed by really fast...haha..
hiaz..back to the hectic schedules, insane deadlines, never-ending projects and bitchy classmates..
mmm...
anyway...
actually...got no anyway... going to play mj le.. HAHA
:)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
i am very very very BORED can....
nahbeicheebye.... the whole damn day stuck at home...
somemore, my hp never ring!!!!....
bloody irritatingggg ~~~*
mmmm...
got test coming up on TUESDAY le...
dunno why still no mood to study, like maybe by tommorow night my panic alarm will start ringing or some shit... mmm... anyway, its just a bunch of MCQ's - monkey chicken questions.. whatever... not farnie rite?? ~>.<~
mmm... today even thou ive been at home, like not bad le.. scarlett ting and sassy jan came by to tag my blog... mmm... really wonder how they found my obscure blog...
mmm... walao... i am just daMN DAMN SIAN...zzzzzzzzzzz
hoWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW??????
pls GOD, grant me tHE wiSdOM so that i know what to DO with MY time, so that i won't be sooooooo bloody FREAKING BORED....
NOTHING TO DOooooooooooooooooooOOOooo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
why i got butterflies in my tummy ah..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Saturday, August 13, 2005
:/ ...... my heart skipped a beat....
...shit...
....i hate her....
grrrr.......
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
"What you see, is not who i am"
i was just reading through scarlett's post. and amazingly, she was able to recapture in words what i was never able to.i have been going through an extremly extremly extremly rough patch.
in the begining, i used to feel the pain.
but suddenly, it's gone.
like nothing ever happened.
but i feel dead inside.
an empty vaccum.
i don't feel any emotion, neither happy, nor sad.
in a way it is good, it releases me from the pain that hurt like a bloody shoe in my arse.
As the title goes, "what you see, is not who i am."
The mask.
What i choose to show all of you.
I am an extremly private person.
and my ego is always the number one priority.
The number of people who has seen me cry, can be counted on less then one hand.
i hardly share my inner-most thoughts with anybody, except myself.
You may say that i am magnifing my problems way out of proportion, but i do feel the pain, i feel it, and i learnt how to deal with it, i controlled my emotions, and now, i feel dead.
i feel like my soul is dead.
"self-mutilation" has been the only way for me to feel again.
when i say "self-mutilation", i don't mean chopping myself up with a knife.
i mean intentionally causing pain to myself, so that i can feel, so that i know i am alive.
Tattoos, a form of pain that i seek.
the pain last for days.
throbbings from my tattooed body part.
a constant reminder that i am still alive.
but, too quickly, the pain diminshes, into nothing but an itch.
and my craving for pain is lost.
and there i go again, counting down the days till i go for my next serving of pain.
yes, i have considered using the blade.
a cheaper and more convinent option.
but alas, i don't have the courage to lift up something so light.
i am a coward.
and deep inside i am afraid.
i hide behind a masquerade of skin art.
hoping it will protect me from this black, black world.
but it dosen't, and as we grow up, we learn that nothing can protect us from this world, it's evil and unforgiving nature.
all i have to protect myself, is myself.
but how can i do that when the fire in my soul is diminishing so quickly.
all that is left are ambers.
casting just a dim light against my insides.
sometimes i think to myself, sometimes i ponder, and wonder in serious consideration.
sucide isn't a bad way out.
the thoughts always attack me, but so far, i have been able to fight them off.
the future, however, as we all know, is unknown.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Are you stupid?
- just a simple test to see how stupid you are..
1.) Have you ever accidentally sent a text message moaning about a person to the person you are moaning about? YES/NO.
2.)How long this year having you been punching out your parking tickets as 2004?
(a) Never
(b) A week
(c) A month
(d) DON'T BLUFF LA, IT'S 2001!!
3.) Have you ever pulled out your ezlink card when trying to draw money from an ATM?YES/NO.
4.) Is pork halal? YES/NO.
SCORING
1.) Yes- 10 points, No- o points.
2.) a- o points. b- 10 points. c- 20 points. d- 30 points.
3.) Yes- 20 points. No- 0 points.
4.) Yes- o points. No- 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 points.
HOW DID YOU SCORE?
- less then 10: not stupid.
- 11-20: mildly stupid.
- 21-30: bloody stupid.
- 31+: OMG! you have got to be a female!?!?
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Just the other night, my dad was talking to me about my life. basically what i'm doing with it, what i plan for in the future, what kind of job i want, etc.
Before he left, he asked me a very strange question, a question that startled me. honestly, i was very taken aback by it.
"Ivan, have you ever had a change of mindset?" The answer to this question, had always been kept in the darkest pits of my soul. left to rot. left in a place where i would forget about them. This gut-wrenching question pulled out a torent of unpleasent memories.
A change of mindset, is a deliberate move to change the way you think from one 'track' to another. for example, i am very career-minded, but due to a certain event that occured, i decided that i would want to be more interested with my family instead of my career. something to that effect.
So, as i was saying. The unpleasent memories came rushing back as if they had just occured yesterday.
My answer to my father was, yes, i have had a change of mindset before. and more then once, thrice in fact.
because of the sensitivity of this topic, and the personal issues considered, i shall not disclose what events occured that resulted in my change of mindset. but yes, they do haunt me. up till today. i constantly remind myself not to fall into the same pit all over again.
well, ya i know this is a very vague and uninteresting post, but yaa, it was something that caught my attention and i just felt like putting it up.
enough said.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Friday, August 12, 2005
Friday night.
holed up at home.
huddled under a blanket.
it's wierd not to have plans on a Friday night.
normally, i would have had today packed!
mmmm...
suddenly i'm all interested in blogs.
read 30+ blogs everyday.
i guess, i like to get to know people.
but honestly,
in person i am shy.
so i guess their blog is a good way of me knowing them without opening my mouth.
ya, as u all can tell as well,
i've been blogging alot too.
well, i guess i am trying to look for diffrent ways of frustration "let-outs"
and this is probably one of them.
well, im making an effort not to put up anymore of those sappy posts.
i'll try my best to interest you with more intellectual post :)
lol..
was reading kennysia.
and was reading thru his archives,
when i came across this.
"all men get over break ups fast."
"real men do."
now everyone has been asking me to take things lightly since the break up.
asking me to be optimistic.
and no to dwell on it.
but me being me, i could not succumb myself to their ranting.
but somehow, kennysia's post hit a spot in me.
hit the nail on the head.
kinda like bashed in whatever remaining ego i had.
and crushed it all.
it's been 2 weeks already.
is that long?
but somehow i just feel that i'm wallowing in self-pity.
mmm...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
"Love is friendship set on fire."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Another
It's been like this for like so many days already.
i guess my body has been accustomed to it already.
I'm becoming nocturnal.
Liteally.
I don't see the sun at all.
I'm asleep from like 6am - 7pm.
there is just too much to think about.
My mind is functioning like a superbly oiled machine.
cyphering every single little though that goes through my head.
thoughts of her.
the memories.
the moment my body comes to a stand still.
She comes to my head.
It's like something so instinctive.
so.. natural.
i know it's really cliche.
but i guess,
what they say is true.
"time heals all wounds."
it had better be true.
or i'm gonna seriously become a vampire.
how i wish.
i could just push her out of my head.
delete the memories.
erase her COMPLETELY.
loves comes easily.
but unfortunately, dosen't leave as easily.
one day.
one day.
i will get over you.
and i will live my life.
free.
and independent.
but for now,
all i can do is tolerate the pain.
bury it in my heart.
and make sure,
it never happens again.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
after my breakup i was very hurt, depressed, whatever you wanna call it..
a few days after, i became angry..
and another few days after, i became passive..
but still hurt..
now, i can control my feelings better.. i've learnt how to deal with how i feel..
but i have learnt alot of things through the past 2 weeks.
1.) No such thing as true love.
2.) Relationships are as fragile as glass.
3.) No point in devoting your heart to a person.
4.) This world is black.
5.) Nice guys do finish last .
6.) Emotions are something we are better off without.
7.) The most dangerous emotion is Love.
8.) Machiavellian in nature is what i wanna be.
9.) Don't put your soul into a relationship.
10.) Don't trust anyone.
11.) A shattered heart is a blessing in disguise. cus then you have no more heart to feel.
12.) Once hurt twice shy.
13.) There is such a thing as karma.
14.) Commitment suxs.
15.) People hurt you.
16.) Love is crap.
17.) memories can kill you.
18.) The truth hurts.
19.) Every cloud DOSENT have a silver lining.
20.) My soul is dead.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Thursday, August 11, 2005
I open my eyes
I try to see
but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
mmm..
was just thinking about something..
why don't you duys leave a comment on what you think about me..
dun use the tag board hor..
click COMMENT..
lol..
ya i know you are not stupid..
anyway, longer the BETTER!
and thanks :D
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(6) comments
I saw the two of them on the bus.
sharing a discman.
the girl was leaning on the guy.
playing with his fingers.
it was really sweet.
but it made me reminicent.
about the past.
and try as i may.
no matter what i did.
i couldn't stop that drop from running down my face.
i so wished i could have contained that tear.
but all the memories came flooding back.
good times.
happy times.
even the not-so happy times.
but it was all good.
because wether we quarrelled or not.
i was with the person i loved.
One of my friend told me over MSN.
there are many other better girls.
"you shouldnt give up a forest because of one tree"
as i came out from the toilet.
and looked at myself in the mirror.
i couldn't find anything that a girl would be attracted to.
mmm...
nothing at all.
what on earth would a girl see in me?
personally,
i think, nothing.
everywhere i go.
memories come flooding back.
i don't even want to sleep on my bed.
it's too painful.
hence, the make-shift room.
it is my house.
and i am afraid of coming home.
i walk a lonely road.
i walk alone.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Recently, one of my friend was browsing through my blog.
and she made a statment after reading a few posts.
Friend: "OMG, ivan you just broke up with you gf?"
Me:" ya, i did, dosen't take a genius to figure that out right?"
Friend:" i hope you are ok.. dun think too much about it ok?"
me:" time heals all wounds.. i will be fine."
Friend:"but you did sound very devastated in your blog."
Me:" a persons blog is just a percent of who he is, i am a private person, and i dont put everything into my blog, what u see is just what i want to show you. so i think the word, devastated, is a serious under-statment."
Friend:"........"
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
recently, ive been sharing all my problems with someone i hardly know.
someone i don't talk to when i meet.
we look like strangers together.
someone who didn't even have a good first impression of me when we met.
very much too my surprise.
this person was extremly patient.
genuinely concerned.
extremly caring.
and honest.
she always replied my messages.
and gave me views that i had never even thought about before.
actually i'm really envious of her boyfriend.
not cus i like her or anything ( you think too much!)
but because she really loves him.
she is always there for him.
and is patient with him.
she is understanding.
one day.
i wish.
i can find someone like her.
to take away my pain.
anyway.
i would like to sincerly thank this person.
you know who you are.
thank you for everything you have done.
i know you tell me its ok la.
you tell me you always listen to your friends.
but still.
thank you.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
when i fell in love with you..
you stole my heart..
now tell me..
now that you're gone..
and my heart is still with you..
how can i continue living?
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
I've got so many questions..
and no answers..
so many things i am thinking about..
and no one to appease my thoughts..
i'm going crazy on the inside..
my mind is a whirl..
someone save me..
someone stop my mind from thinking..
i want to re-live those happy days..
they seem so far away now..
i've got so much internalized frustration..
and it just won't leave me..
it's bugging me..
day and night..
just leave me alone!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
there are no exits..
no way of escape..
no way out of this prison..
i can't get out..
and i have given up..
i have no strength left..
no strength to fight..
no energy left..
no oxygen..
i feel like im suffocating..
i feel like im dying..
on the inside..
the pain ripples..
like a stone thrown into the water..
it ripples..
to the very abyss of my soul..
devouring me ..
eating me..
from the inside..
leaving me with nothing..
nothing but a heartache..
nothing but unbearable hurt..
nothing but sorrow and grief..
leaving me..
in a total wreck..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
some pics of my new tattoo..
actually this is old news, got it done last friday..
but due to personal reason, it couldnt be up until now..
so here goes...
as you can see...its not finished yet... still alot of holes in the middle and all over the place..
hiaz...so need to go back 3rd round..zzz
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Sunday, August 07, 2005
i miss her.
i miss her alot.
so so so much.
thinking about her when i open my eyes.
thinking about her before i close my eyes.
thinking about her when i bathe.
thinking about her when i shit.
thinking about her when i piss.
thinking about her in whatever i do.
mummy, i miss you :'(
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
after a few weeks i working on it,
i finally got my new skin done.
well i actually found the new one on blogskins.
cus i actually found it too diff to start from scratch,
i dont have that kind of html expertise :/
so anyway, i d/l the skin from blogskins,
but i edited all the html,
customize the layout, positioning, size, colour, bla bla bla..
so im really proud of this skin..
do comment ok?
like out of 10 being the hightest..
what you think ..
thanks :P
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
i hole up in my make-shift room.
door locked 24-7.
i emerge only for water and a piss.
the computer, my only entertainment.
why?
cus i have many unfriendly faces around me.
you may say i deserve it.
but honestly,
i don't give a fuck what you think..
so just fucking shut up.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
screwed up, really screwed up.
Bad to worse, day by day.
no goals in life.
Nothing to look forward to.
Relationships.
Friendships.
Family.
Finances.
Attitude.
Zeal.
Outlook.
school.
health.
inspiration.
creativity.
all going down the drain.
social circle is engulfing itself.
family is literally a falling apart.
school. what else is there to say.
self-explainitory.
sucks.
finances. $10
if thats what you call it.
There is nothing left.
nothing at all.
all thats left,
is me.
literally.
Bones, muscles, skin, blood.
i need to run away.
i need to get out of here.
i need a new life.
a new begining.
a clean slate.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
I have the right to ask my friends anything i want.
My friends have the right to say what they want.
I have the right to believe what i want.
I believe what i believe based on how you behave.
I have the right to say what i want.
I have the right to type what i want.
I have the right to think how i want.
i have the right to post what i want.
I have the right to do what i want.
I don't judge you on what you do, so dont judge me.
You have no right.
You say you dont care what other people think.
Then why do u care if they think you are in the wrong.
If you know how You feel,
Why do u bother how people THINK you feel.
If you love me so much as you claim,
why cant i feel it?
If i cant feel it,
whats the point of saying you love me?
you say i have no respect for our love,
you mean i cant think how i want to think?
Must i do what you want me to do?
I like blogging out how i feel,
and i will continue to do it.
My friends give me advice, because i ask them.
the reason i ask them is because i trust them.
If i trust them, i will listen to what they say.
If it makes sense, i will believe it.
After all, you are not there to prove them otherwise.
You say you are not avoiding me.
But i say, actions speak louder then words.
I will not deny you were there for me.
But just for the first two days.
Where were you after that?
No where in sight.
The only people here for me are my friends.
and you tell me not to believe them?
not to trust them?
that what they say is false,
cus they don't know how you feel?
well what right do you have.
you cannot suddenly re-appear into my life,
tell me how to behave,
went my behaviour in the first place,
is because of you.
Am i saying this is your fault?
no i am not.
You have the right to behave how you want to.
you have the right to say what you want to.
you have the right to do waht you want to.
BUT
you dont have the right to tell me what to do.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Your soul is black, because it is dead. You
probably spend your time listening to metal/and
or depressing music! Get out of your room and
go hang with friends, that is if you have any.
What color is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
someone finally explained it in a way that i understand..
Just because you love someone, doen't mean you have to be together.
my classmate told me, chris dosent love you anymore, if she did, she wouldnt have broken up with you even if the two of you were not compatible..
and for a while, i agreed with her on that point..
well looks like my views have changed...
I believe chris still loves me..
Love isnt quantitative..you cant measure it..
you cant say i love you "this much"
Love is just love..
Love is unconditional..
Just like my dad loves me very much,
he loves my mum very much as well,
he loves my brother very much as well..
my point being.. chris can love me..
but she can love someone else as well..
she may love me, but she may love me in a friend kind of way..
just like i love sarah as a friend,
i care for her..
im concerned about her..
she is like my sister..
and i love her,
but in an un-romantic way..
so i guess maybe,
that could be how chris is feeling..
she loves me..
but in an un-romantic way..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Friday, August 05, 2005
OK, i really don't get it.. can someone explain to me WHY people like to make their blogs private or like put some freaking password on the blog..
WHY?
i dont understand... i mean, you may say its private and dont feel comfortable with people reading, bla bla bla...but den why dun u jus go get a book to write it in??
hiaz... well its ure blog and your escision to do whatever you want.. was jus making a statment..
well, looks like new new blogs to read... *sianz*...
so if any nice people out there see this post, pls do tag me and leave your link ok? heee... :P
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(0) comments
Before you say i love you again,
think about this..
Love is like getting beheaded.
but ahead of you, the beheader's axe is dull..
yet he wouldnt pardon you..
so he chops and chops and chops mercilessly,
until finally your head falls off..
so what does this mean you may ask..
Love hurts and hurts and hurts,
pains and pains and pains..
you scream and scream and scream..
But one merciful day,
sometimes too far away,
It's all over.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
i want to be a mummy again
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
ok, as many of you know, i have just recently broken up with christine.
I have typed many many posts, and many of them are angry ones..
I would like to apologise to anyone who feels offended or is upset over what i have typed.. i have in no way whatsoever intentionally typed those post to hurt you.
Please try to excuse and forgive me due to the recent 'trauma' i have been through... i was just sad, depressed and angry and had no way of venting my anger except through my blog.. so again..i am very very sorry..
recently i have been able to sit myself down quietly and think about many things.. about the past week.. chris, i know what you have done for me..the effort you put in, the care and concern you show.. and i really appreciate it.. apprecaite how you try to make me feel better even when you are down.. take the effort to call me and msg me just to ask how i am and hows life.. and thank you for the hug you gave me just now..it made me feel alot better... i know i hurt your feelings and in the future i will be more careful of what i type.. take care ok? and always know ill be here for you..
*P.S pls dun be angry with me already :'(
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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Thursday, August 04, 2005
i learnt a new word today... schtomphing..
which is...a nicer word for ... fucking..
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"2nd chance"
went out with chris again today.. went for dinner, and some beer.
aparently, we have a common friend.. beer.. every sad persons best friend.
well i was kinda pissed cus the whole time i met her... she was jus smsing and smsing and smsing and smsing and smsing and smsing... then i asked her to watch a movie, she say dun want, cus very late and shes very tired... but in the end, shes gone to meet her friend... really like wtf... i feel like shes bored coming out to meet me lor.. den i ask her who is her friend she dun want to tell me the name..just keep saying " im going to meet my friend", so whos your friend? " my friend" -_- ... just a lame answer lor.. but anyway, i kinda worked things out with her..and about the friend thing, she says she needs privacy... whatever makes your day honey..
on a lighter note.. i'm looking forward to tom.. gonna finish up my tattoo.. i dont really care anymore wether anyone is unhappy or wether i have no money or wether you think or inmature..i dun really give a shiet anymore.. im gonna do things for my own pleasure for once..
Well before me and chris went our seperate ways, she gave me a very long hug and a kiss on the cheek.. well i dont know what it meant.. but i felt reallly goods after that.. ive been feeling all fucked up and everything.. and all it took was one hug to make me feel or better again..
Well what makes me even HAPPIER was that chris agreed to buy me a HAMSTER when we get back from bangkok!!! YAY!!! always wanted one...they are so cute :D it'll be named "xiao jiao"( no im not gonna tell you why im calling it that) now i really cant wait to go bangkok!! cus when i come back, ILL GET A NEM HAMSTERR!!!! *jumpS FOR jOY*
well here are just some pics i took of her when we were having drinks..
cute reaction...no?
messy hair?
ya i know my pictures arent very good, cus my hp camera lousy la...dun blame me! blame nokia!
well, she said shes gonna meet her friend to talk to her friend about her problems and all that.. i really wish i can become good friends with her... that one day, she will be able to call me out to talk about problems..i really wanna be there for her.. and i hope she will give me that chance..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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i just want to address a few of my friends.
Sarah: not until now, do i finally understand how much i had hurt you.. i am taking that the hurt i have now multiplied by four is what you felt.. i truly am sorry.. i really am.. you do now that i had no intention to purposely hurt you.. you know i wont ever do that..but i am really happy to be good friends with you now..i also want to thank you for always being there for me and consoling me during this rough patch... thanks girl *hugS* :)
Iris: Hey i really want to thank you because i appreciate what you suggested doing during the bangkok trip.. i know you are sacrificing alot by not spending more time with kenneth.. i dont know how to describe how i feel..i just feel that ive got a true friend in you... thanks :)
Kenneth & Eric: to my two besties, thanks guys for always pei me go out even in the middle of the night just so i can clear my head.. i know you guys have always been there for me.. im really happy to have two friends such as yourselves... :)
Jean&cindy&eve&jo&zhen: guys thanks for asking me about how i am and all that.. i really do feel happy that people can be bothered with me, that people care about how i feel.. so thanks a whole bunch :)
Finally to anyone i have left out.. im sorry i left you out, but pls do excuse me base on my current state of mind :S well... once again, thanks to all of you!! *biG HUG*
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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Once upon a time, my heart was as hard as a rock.
Tears couldn't flow, and i couldn't feel.
Someone cracked me upon and brought back my senses.
That was my biggest mistake, to allow someone in.
i will hardern my heart, i will not cry, not one drop more.
i will reach my goal...i swear...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
i'm not stupid.. so stop playing me.. im tired of this game..
ive had enough.. i fucking give up.. you wanna alienate yourself..
dats really fine with me.. my frustration is building up to my neck..
i can't take it anymore.. stop it.. stop it now..
dun play games with me..
when i start playing back.. you wont be able to take it..
hell hath no fury like my scorn..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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"international stupid day"
thats what a few friends (which i don not wish to name) have created for me.. a day name after me.. international stupid day.
stupidty cant be measured..and you dont know wether the person is acting or really dumb.
you guys keep saying i act stupid.. well, be careful, i'm not as stupid as you think..
i have learnt that when you act stupid, people arent too wary of you.. they open up more and share more because they arent threatened by you.. and that is the best way to take advantage of someone if need be..
so be careful, because i may turn around to bite you.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
There are a few thing i want to clear up.
Firstly.
On my break up with chris, will u fuckers stop blaming me for everything..i put my heart my soul and all my strength into the relationship.. i put in alot of effort..as much as chris did..
so i will not succumb myself to all of you blaming me and framing me as the guilty party..
Secondly.
Don't judge me on a fucking tattoo and tell me im not mature just because i went to get it done..
you tell me, cus my parents dun like it i still put..well screw you... you do things that hurt your parents too..and dont tell me you dont.. if u smoke, dont u think ure parents would be hurt? and if you stay out late at night your parents wont be worried? you dont pay attention in school you think your parents arent worried either? so pls..dont give me the bullshiet that im not mature enuff.. and btw, on my views abt maturity..pls scroll down to the post on "does society or maturity make us evil"
Thirdly.
Just because im born with a silver platter dosent mean its any fault of mine, nor does it give you the right to say im spoilt. its not as if i can choose who im born too. and if im born into a rich family..well den its just my fucking darn luck. I get 450 a month, about what majority of you guys get as well. But i dont work, not because im muther fucking rich or i get money whenever i want it.. but it because i SAVE...heard of that word before? do you hear me go chiong? or go out late at night to drink? or go down town to buy stuff? NO I DONT cus i fucking save my money...and so what even if my dad is rich!>!?! dosent mean he gives me everything i want.. in fact HE DOSENT. so get that into your fucking thick head!
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Apparently im a demanding and possesive boyfriend.
all i ever wanted was to see her. see her more often. twice or thrice a week isnt pushing it now is it?
"it isnt my fault you dont want to meet your friends, but i want to meet mine".. so she says.. however, you have forgotten one major point.
i lost contact with majority of my good friends because they were all GIRLS. and you didnt like me talking or going out with girls! and secondly, when we first got together, you didnt have friends either, so i devoted my time to accompanying you so you wont be bored/lonely.
so now, ive got a bunch of friends i can count with one hand.. so it isn't that i dont want to meet my friends..it's that i dont have friends to meet.
If you dont love me, say you dont love me.
according to
the attitude is one of couldnt care less. the body language is one of "piss off" and the behaviour is one of "entertaining" me.
well you told me before your friends are the most important to you, so im happy for you now that you've got your friends back.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Never again..
will i allow..
someone to hurt me..
Physically..
or..
emotionally..
Pain redifines me.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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"akward is the word"
Met up with her on monday. and there was only one word to describe the encounter, akward.
The tension between us could be cut by a knife. It was obvious. An obvious attempt by both parties to abstain from any form of physical contact. Here i was, hands in my pockets. and there she was, hands crossed.
I basically met up with her during her 1/2 an hour break cus i happened to be in town. HALF AN HOUR. and the akwardness was sky-rocketing.
Before we parted, i asked for a hug. just a friendly hug, as a form of, might i say, closure. every relationship needs a closure. a form of ending. parting of ways in a civillised manner.
What i got was a split-second, one foot away, half hug. well, that means, she stood one foot away and put her arms around my shoulders,trying her best to minimize any physical contact, resulting in the "half hug". and we did the "half hug" for less then a seecond. Now thats the kind of hug i would give someone i didnt even know.
so much for the closure i was looking for eh..
well basically, life without her has been wierd.. plain wierd.. lonely and depressing. i know i sound like a pathetic little boy wallowing in self-pity, but this is my blog and im gonna type out exactly how i feel.
been listening to alot of cds lately, guns & roses, green day, etc. anything loud, noisy and with appropriate lyrics to suit my current mood. I just blast the fucking stero so i that all i can think about is the song, and forget about her..now thats the only way i can get to sleep. and its driving my family crazy...
Meals have become a rarity for me. appetite even rarer. no mood to eat, and everything just looks un-appetizing. so i just have a cup of milo everyday, and drink gallons of water.. well this isnt a pityful attempt to gain sympathy.. i'm just in pain, and you dont have to read on if im annoying you. i really dont give a rats ass..
all i think about day in day out is her, her, her, her, her, her and her. i dont understand why one moment she was so in love. and all it took was three words to change her whole behaviour. "lets break up" changes everything. suddenly, shes a stranger.
i feel like shes avoiding me, trying to keep her distance. wasnt it your idea to be friends? you asked me to go to thailand with you, as friends. i felt it was such a selfish request because im not even over you and you ask me to go for a holiday with you?!? and now u treat me like this? i would rather waste the money on the ticket and hotel, then go to thailand with you and get hurt all over again.
"There isnt much i can say. Ive been lonely since the day you went away."
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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Monday, August 01, 2005
"Gone"
They tell you the most dangerous emotion is hatred.. Don't believe them.. The most dangerous emotion is love.
Like an open tap, my tears fell. I had lost the most precious thing to me. Christine.
"Sometimes, just becasue you love each other, dosen't mean that you have to be together." That was what val told me some time back. When she told me that sentence, i was like:" what the FUCK are you talking about?" but finally, i understand.
Sometimes we are just better off as friends. yes, the relationship was good, the love was sweet.. but there isnt a future, there is nothing to look forward to, except puppy love. Getting hurt earlier, is obviously better then dragging the relationship on and on..
Nope, no longer are we little children, what we look for isnt just a nice person to be with nor do we hold the value off "love conquers all".We look for a partner, we look for a future, we look for true love. yes we did try, and fail we did.. the break up was eminent.
It is the most painful thing purposely throwing something away that you hold so dear.. and it hurts me.. hurts me to the very abyss of my soul. My heart aches, my mind misses, my eyes water.
I hold comfort in the fact that we are better off as friends, that our new journey in a less intimate way would benefit us more.
Many of you may think its a bunch off bull, but yes i am still good friends with my ex of 4 years, sarah. i believe if we both want to, me and chris can hit it off very well.
But, as the saying goes, let nature take its course. we will go with the tide, we will step into the unknown and face any challenges that we may run into.
We have come to the end of the road..
a road we have taken for 10mths and 23days..
but no, this isnt the end..
we continue on the road off friendship..
Keep the memories, remember the good times..
and don't forget my presence was once sweet to you..
so my dear girl, here is my tribute to you.. to us..
Not a single second did i ever regret loving you..
The love you showered upon me is unforgetable..
Thank you..for your care, your concern, your presence, and your love..
I will hold dearly, the memories of you and i..
You will always have a special place in my heart..
Do take care of yourself..
and i wish you the best in whatever you may do in the future..
Christine, I love you..
I always will.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Pretty is in the eye of the beholder.
Beauty is in the soul.
something you can feel.
something that can't be seen.
something that can only be appreciated.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
"toilet technology"
More and more I'm noticing a new trend in bathrooms. There's this little rectangular box on the wall and every few minutes it makes a "shhhht" sound, and out comes some air freshener. Not a bad idea.
Now when I go into bathrooms, instead of thinking "It smells like shit in here", I think "It smells like someone took a shit in a flower shop in here".
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
"How much are you paying for sex"
Remember when you first got laid, and couldn't quite imagine that such a cracking -if not smelly- pastime could be free? Right, first time dude.
Getting yourself a girlfriend is as prudent a financial move as a mortgage. Home cooked meals, free CD collection, free facials and free wardrobe if you are her size.
But I was thinking about it and suddenly realized, she COULD be costing me a kings ransom!!
So I devised a simple, idiot proof plan to asses just how fool-hardy your lady-shaped investment really is.
(step 1.) Outgoings.
Entertainment:
Cinema(inclusive of tickets, pop corn, nachos..) $_________
Drinks(Clubbing, pubbing, etc..) $_________
Meals out( fast food, food court, fine dinning..) $_________
Others(KTV, bowling, drugs, cigarettes, etc..) $_________
Transport:
Cabs, petrol(if u drive/ride) $_________
Bus fare + mrt $_________
Fixed cost:
Anniversaries $_________
Condoms $_________
Presents(inclusive of bdae, vdae, etc..) $_________
Others:
Whatever else extra $_________
(step 2.) Number of
Now divide your total expenditure by the number of shags in the last month to give you a dollar-per-dollar score.
(step 3.) How does she rate?
Under $15: Embarrassingly cheap.. in fact.. too cheap. Shes about the same price as a Cambodian whore. She's not your sister is she?
$15-30: Her rate is roughly equal to an Albanian hooker in a dodgy hotel. Good value all around.
$30-60: At this price you can start expecting extras, such as the odd free lap dance.
$60-90: You're looking at the price of a long hot night of loving in a steamy Brazilian bordello- imagine that! This is one pricy female. Sure you don't fancy a drug habit instead?
Over $90: Ask yourself this.. can she rotate those(probably gold-plated) nipple tassels you bought her with the rhythm of a Cuban showgirl? Because shes charging you like one. Every single time you get laid.. its like setting you back the price of a months SCV subscription and one weeks supply of cigarettes. CRIMINAL!!
Ok, now that was all just for fun, I swear, if I know that one of you guys are actually doing this to assess your girlfriend, ill put your balls through a cheese grater.
YOU ARE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER.. DON'T TREAT HER LIKE A FUCKING WHORE!!!
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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"jLn kayU"
yup! just got back from jln kayu.. met up with my frens to have supper and catch up..
well it was kinda fun...kept laffing and laffing..lol
we laughed about seriously stupid things, and literally over everything... oh my god... boy are they lame.. haha
well here are some pics :)
hiaz.. iris forever using the phone.. lol, she say i 'mei you li mao' anyhow take picture..teeheehee..
eric also another one... -_-
late AS USUAL... (ya, i know its blur...)
mr kenneth teo..
yea...so dats kinda about it... we went out for supper.. but nobody ordered anything to eat...haha.. just drinks all around..i think we are all sick of the food already... gotta find a new place for supper :/
well.. but they do have interesting new stuff at jln kayu.. just now as we were about to leave, we saw 'coin prata'...haha
it's just like really SMALL 'kosong' prata... i think like 10 of them fit onto one plate, with mayo and everything.. hmm...looks quite good.. *yum yUm*
well..as for tommorow, i FINALLY get to go out of the house...to school :D YAY!
i've never been this happy going to school..lol..
well.. good night :D
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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Tuesday, July 26, 2005
"110% feMale"
Many girls claim that they are femineine. That they aren't tom-boyish. They dress like girls and behave like a girl should behave.
On the average, i would give the singapore girls a score of "80% female".
so now you may be wondering.. what the hell is ivan talking about? 80% female?
well. being a female is not all about the boobs and genitals of a woman. it's the way you behave, carry yourself, mannerisms and characteristics.
Majority of Singaporean
"so then what would you consider a 110% female?" you may ask..
my answer: trasverseites ( i seriously think i got the speeling wrong), she-males, 'ren-yao'.. whatever bloody name you wanna give to them..
If you still don't know what i'm getting at, simply.. they are guys with boobs.. vagina wanna-be's.. get the picture?
This
hmm...now why is that?....
well the reason being, that these people would do anything and behave in any way, so long as we percieve them to be females. What they want, is for our first glance to see them as a woman, and not a she-male.
They would put on THICK make-up so long as they are visible to the public eye. They would wear HIGH heels wherever they are going. And they Change their voice to sound like a female. (Breast augmentation is an obvious procedure they do, so i decided to leave it out.)
Why i give them a 110% is because they put in effort. Being born as a guy, there are many things that we do, that are very natural to us. for instance..
Sitting with our legs OPEN..
talking LOUDLY..
having a FIRM hand shake..
etc etc etc...
ya, you get the idea..
They make a concious effort to remind themselves to behave like a girl, talk like a girl, move like a girl, sit like a girl. This is the determination that they have to pursue a dream that is almost impossible.
And of course, the most noble thing a she-male could do, to prove his allegiance to the female species would be to cut off his dick..
That, i have to salute... no more 'standing-to-pee', no more wanking and no more blow-job...
what i am trying to get to here is that these people would do ANYTHING to become a woman.
I am quite sure they would be the fucking happiest person on this bloody earth if they had menstruation..
The diffrence between she-males and actual woman is that, or rather, i feel is actual woman take for granted what they have, so most of the time, they forget their behaviour and behave in an 'un-femineine' way... actual woman, sometimes do not bother to 'beautify' themselves, but these she-males constantly take the effort to..
well, that was just my two cents...
**post is based on MY view, and i happen to be a GUY.. so pls do excuse me if i did assume anything**
I know i have been blogging alot.. but if your were me and stuck at home for the last fucking five days...lets see what u'll do...
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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"Oh fuck. Twice a day. He is coming over again. I have the worst job in the world!" lamented the toothbrush."
Shut up," said the toilet paper.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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"what the fuck??"
Sometimes i feel like life has no meaning. What is the point of us being put here on this fucking planet? What is there to do? we push our way out of our mothers bloody
Life is boring
Especially when you feel you have no one around you...
Of course i have my friends and my family and my girlfriend blablabla.. but i just feel that they are not around when i need them.. well, perhaps i don't make it so
Actually i don't even know why i'm suddenly typing this.. i was suppose to be typing about my smoking addiction. well.. what the hell... out.
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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Monday, July 25, 2005
"mRt riDes"
so here i was , after school, taking the mrt back.. and fuckinh hell.. a smelly uncle was sitting right next to me...
I suggest, that everyone should go through a smell test when they enter the MRT. If you stink, you would be asked to go into the smelly chamber to travel to your destination. In the smelly chamber would be tons of other smelly people, and if you stink and you can't smell yourself, perhaps you can smell others.
Imagine this scene...
Smelly Uncle: *beep* (EZlink sound)-A very loud TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!-MRT personnel rush out, clad in gas masks, ala SDU style.
Personnel 1: "Alert alert! Smelly bastard detected! Do not let him escape!!"
Personnel 2: "Roger roger! Target found and surrounded!"
Personnel 3: "Roger! I have got target. Assistance needed. Beware, stench is grade 5, almost lethal!"
Personnel 1: "Well done. Thank goodness for the gas masks.
"Smelly uncle: "Where you all siao kias taking me to? I just never bathe for 10 days only, the gas mask is a bit too kua zhang right??!"
Personnel 1: "Sir, you shall go straight to the smelly chamber, the end of the MRT. In there, you would see all the smelly bastards like yo.."
Smelly uncle, interrupting, "I AM NOT SMELLY!"
Personnel 1 slaps the Smelly Uncle with a heavily padded hand. Some debris caked on the uncle's face falls off. The uncle heaved a deep breath and the breath comes out in a light green misty colour.
Personnel 1, with delibrate patience: "You are FUCKING smelly. And DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!", he boomed.
Personnel 1 grins cheekily at Personnel 3, whom he thinks must be impressed with his authority and volume. Personnel 3 happens to have very nice breasts.
The Smelly Uncle whimpers.
Personnel 1: "As I was saying... You would be with the rest the smelly people. Sitting with you would also be all the bangala who are caught either 1: Holding hands with another bangala, or, 2, caught oogling at females. They could also be stinky of course."
The Smelly Uncle shudders. He thinks that the Bangalas might come hold his hand, but he forgot he stinks so that would not happen.
Personnel 1: "We have also caught some other offenders as well, although these people might not deserve so much to be in the Smelly Chamber. They are people who tickle others with skirts, or sleeves, or scratchy curly hair. We also catch people who play with ringtones on the MRT."These people are punished to put a 3310 to their ear and listen to the same ringtone on level 5 all the way till they reach their destination. This would teach them how it feels like to be an innocent traveller who has to tolerate this torment every time a similarly bo liao person does the ringtone testing."We also catch people who sing on the MRT. Are they stupid or stupid? They think that when they have earphones in their ears, they cant hear their own goddamn singing so others cannot hear them as well. What bullshit. We punish this people to listen to F4 songs all the way till they reach their destination too."
By now the Smelly Uncle has pee-ed in his pants, making, weirdly, no difference to the way he smells.
*****Yes. If I rule the world, the MRT system would really be good, no?
P.S.(certain part extracted from another site)
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(1) comments
"Rich MEn"
If i were really really rich..
I would buy a house. I would buy a car. Actually, i'll buy 2 cars. I would go indulge in really good food EVERYDAY. I would buy a whole storeroom of cigarettes. I would buy a bloody new laptop. I would BUY OVER NGEE ANN, and sack all the teachers. Convert it into a "school of vices". Teachers can only teach students how to play mahjong. You can only get into "NGEE ANN-School of Vices" if you are a hard core smoker and drinker. I would buy over the garbage truck company, and i'll drive a garbage truck to school. I'll dump all the garbage on miss wong's car.
I'll bribe the goverment, and that i'll nominate myself for president. As president, i'll demolish all traffic lights and put a minimum speed of 150km/h on all the roads.
ok... so i am REALLY day dreaming.. but i realised something today.
Lets just say i was really THAT rich and i did all THAT. then what?
I see rich people blurring past my life every single day. and i always envy them. i always ask myself, what would i do if i had all that doe.
well, what i realsied today is that, if i were that rich, life would be straight up boring. even more boring than my life is now.
Right now, i go to school so i can study and hopefully in the future, get a well-paying job. When i go to school, i meet people, i make new friends. If i were that rich, i won't give a second thought about school. I'll just F**k care it.
If i had all that money, after buying everything thing i want in this whole wide world, nothing else would make me excited. no presents would make me happy. nothing would surprise me. nothing would give me the thrill. after all, i have everythign already, what can u give me that i don't have.
so.. i guess..
i'm happy being the poor-old-me.. :D
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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Sunday, July 24, 2005
"dinner"
ok so we went to thomson plaza to get my bros watch battery fixed. and of course had dinner there.
We really had no plans of what we were suppose to eat, but what we were gonna eat later on would haunt us in our nightmares..
We walked passed this japanese restaurant, 'edo sushi' or watever its name was.
it was kinda my dad's idea to go in and eat, cus honestly speaking, that place did not appeal to me one single bit.
it was like dimly lit, not in the romantic way, but more to the "didn't pay electric bill kinda way.
The travelator (not sure if this is the correct word) thing, that you know, carries the plates of sushi like round in circles? ya, that thing was like 80% empty. and it had half-dead looking sushi/sashimi going around in circles for god-knows how long already.
the staff inisde the kitchen were chinese, from CHINA-chinese. what the hell is a china-chinese chef doing in a jap outlet? shouldnt she be like at crystal jade or something? sorry jus some nonsense sterotyping on my part.
so anyway, that place was really not a single bit attractive, but, we still went in to eat anyway.
i picked up a plate of sake sushi (salmon) from the travelator, and ok, it wasn't fantastic, but better then i expected it to be.
What was gonna give me nightmares tonight was the sashimi my dad took. i swear, after 10+ years or loving jap food, i have never in my life seen this kinda fish. But ok, if you never try, you never know right? so ya, it looked like maguro (tuna) but it was more dull, looked tough and dry, and honestly speaking very yucky.
well looks like my eyes were trying very hard to warn me, because the taste and the texture of the fish can only be discribed in one word, SUXS. haha, seriously! it was really flaky, even more den maguro, and it tasted like cockles... i mean like wtf? its a fish for gods sake, and it taste like a clam??
*shivers* ...ok lets not talk about the fish anymore.. it was really disgusting..
so after that "fabulous" sashimi, i told my dad, we gotta get outta here.. this place is really REALLY bad. so we payed the $40+ bill (what a bloody waste of money) and made our way to the food court next to it.
well, we had the simple fare, carrot cake, hokkien mee, fried rice and some korean food.. but it was good..
heh, the food court had tee-vees on the wall, and E.T was showing, so there we were sitting at the food court for an hour plus watching E.T, omg, it was so lame.. haha but free-entertainment..haha
hmm..i just realised, i have posted EXTREMLY alot of post today.. haha... well in conclusion, all i can say is that EDO SUSHI SUXS!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrr......
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
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"beautiful colours of the rainbow"
Rainbows are what comes after the rain...
The seven beautiful colour that never fail to awe little children.
Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Violet,orange...err and 1 more that i cant remember..heh..
rainbows are a sign of good things to come after the storm..in most occasions..
many people believe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and many people have gone to look for it..but of course..never found a single penny...
well..rainbows don't only appear after the rain...they appear on friendster too!
hmm...i count 5 colours..
I wonder if theres a pot of gold below there somewhere...
More colours...hmmm..
**not intentionally meant to insult anyone.**
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(4) comments
Revenge of the dick
"Revenge of the dick"ok..im really pissed... remember the "dick" in the previous post? yea...he called today while i was sleeping.. and he wasnt gonna stop till i picked up...so i rolled over and picked up the daMN PHONE... and that idiot now wants me to print out the proj question cus NONE of them are bringing laptop...WTF... so nvm, i told him i dun have a printer, can he get some1 else to do it...and guess what the fuck he tells me, go and COPY IT OUT!!!! KNN!!! you know how bloody long that thinG is!!!!!
omg....pls...someone save me before i kill that dick.....grrr......
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(5) comments
fickle- minded..
"fickle- minded.."well, the first time i started my own blog, i used an original template for my blog skin.. but i wasn't happy about it..so i spent the next 2 hours searching for a skin.. i found a few skins, but i wasnt really happy with them, so i did some "self-editing", but my html isnt that good.. so i ended up with a so-so blog..and now im back at square one..with an original template...hiaz...
but im really happy today... finally doing a blog by myself.. hope you guys will continue reading yea? so i wun just be typing to MYSELF! lol..
anyway, a dick called jus now and asked me to do project last min...knn.. sibei irritating.. NOT only that ah, i stil have to bring lap top lor...fukin irritating..
hiaz...anyway. thanks to dar, val, and iris for helping me with some html stuff.. :D
Well, on a brighter note, the 11th of aug is coming NEARER AND NEARER!!! woohooo! whats on the 11th of august? well, haha, its when my tattoo turns 1 month old!!! and that means that i can CONTINUE!!! YAY!!!! hiaz..so looking forward.. but obviously, you won't be able to understand why i can rant on and on for days about this tattoo thing..haha.. see on the right hand corner --> it says TATTOO FETISH.. this means, that it gives me the right to rant on and on about tatoos all i want!!! whawhawh...
hiaz...anyway, bcus of that dick that wants to meet me at angmiokio macs tom at 2..ive gotta go slp le.. night all.. cheers~*
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments
Saturday, July 23, 2005
i'm really reall sad... "i'm really really sad.."
break ups are tough... and im sure many of you guys know what it feels like.. the feeling off being torn away from the one you love... but the two of you knows that a seperation would be for the better..
she wanted her space...
she didnt want me to hinder her...
she didnt want me to stop her from changing to what she wanted...
so i must agree... seperation was probably the best descision...
how could she do this to me...
after everything ive done..
omg..i don't believe im crying..
arghhh...there's something in my eyes.. those arent real tears...
hmmm.... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA
nah, me and chris didn't break up... but... our blogs did!! haha.. hmm... did i catch you there for a second? keke :P well.. its now a competition to see whos blog gets the most responses and reviews...hwahawh
so looks like there will be a heated competition all the way!!!!
On your marks... GEt set... GO!
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(3) comments
My Angel.
"my angel"My Angel
Is the one I think about each day,
I smile and I know she'll never turn away.
My Angel
Is the one I hold close to my heart,
I hope we will never be so far apart.
My Angel
Is the one who always makes me smile,
looks at me and tells me I will always be worthwhile.
My Angel
Is the one who wipes my tears away,
she always knows just what to say.
My Angel
Is the sparkle in my eyes,
I hate each night when we say our goodbyes.
My Angel
Is the one to which no one compares,
she is the answer to all of my prayers.
Written specially for you..
my angel..
i love you..
-Tattoos define me.Pain redefines me-
(2) comments